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If Laura and I are going to submit to him, I want to know what that means. So does she. She doesn’t know much about it, either, beyond what little was in the book we shared on the cruise.
I must admit I’m curious. We’ve met several dominants and their submissives since entering the “scene.” The lifestyle community of kinksters, swingers, polyamorists, relationship anarchists, etc. People who aren’t interested in traditional white wedding gowns and pearl earrings (or at least not interested in those things strictly along societal norms). I feel relief among them. I’m allowed to get married, have children, whatever I like, of course. I won’t be rejected from the community for violating those standards (unlike the all girls’ and only girls’ organization I belonged to in high school that kicked you out if they found you were living with a boy specimen). But the whole idea is you do it onyourterms. Not society’s. Not your parents’. Not your friends’. Only yours and your partner(s)’ desires and expectations.
If I go down this path, the world is my oyster. The idea thrills and frightens me. I can do whatever I want. But also,I can do whatever I want.I no longer have anyone to blame for the choices I make, because I will make them entirely based on my own free will. Anything I like. I don’t even know what’s possible yet, but I do know anything is possible. Anything within the limits of human imagination and earthly physics. There are no answers, not right or wrong.
An acquaintance of mine confessed she only had her baby to make her husband love her. Another of my friends revealed to me that she told her husband of five years, “I need things in my life that I never told you about, and if you can’t accept that, I will leave.” She was beyond lucky that he stayed by her side. But she had a child by then. Suppose he’d said no? Would she have abandoned her life? Made her child split their life in two? Or simply given up a piece of herself?
I will never be her. If I do this. I will never, ever have to give up who I am. But also, what if I don’t do it right? What if I mess up? I will have nobody but myself to blame, and, more importantly, nobody to fall back upon but myself. Because if I fail, they’ll tell me, “Well, you’ve got nobody to blame but yourself. This is your fault for overstepping, for going against what everyone knows works.” Except it doesn’t work.
Well, I am not going to lose my head. I am going to read up on this, because I have never gone into anything without grasping the essentials. I don’t even go into a restaurant without checking out the menu first! I’m certainly not going to give over my autonomy without consideration.
In movies, it’s sexy for the heroine to shove her romantic interest against the wall, and take him without bothering to ask what he wants. It’s dramatic and exciting to have love triangles. But this isn’t fantasy. This is my life. I don’t want drama. I want love. I put my head back into the book lying open on my bed.
In the BDSM world, there is something called “subdrop,” It’s what follows “subspace.” To reiterate, the BDSM world is divided into dominants and submissives (with all manners of folk who fall along the spectrum, often called “switches,” as they are capable of switching between roles).
“Subspace” is the mental adjustment a person makes when they wish to be submissive to their dominant counterpart. It varies, depending on the person, as with anything else— but essentially it is the attitude that distinguishes them from their “normal” self. A submissive might have a routine that puts them in that “proper” headspace, as an actor might apply makeup and do their hair to help put themselves in “character.” Some submissives never leave subspace, entirely. Some do.
Whenever the submissive is allowed (rather, allows themselves) to leave that space, there is some degree of “aftercare,” where the dominant holds the submissive, treats them gently, helps them move out of the intensity of the scene into their everyday, vanilla selves. Life goes on as it always does. Except— there are times, often the next day, when the submissive might experience “subdrop.” The person feels the lack of an opportunity to enter subspace, to feel fulfilled through being submissive. It’s the low that happens after the high. They might feel lonely, anxious.
David is attempting to help me attain this state of mind. My whole self resists this idea.Letting myself be helpless? Absolutely not.But he says it won’t work unless I free my mind. Which means entrusting it to him.
Can I do that? Can I trust someone that much? I couldn’t trust my own mother that much, and she brought me into this world. I couldn’t trust my father. I couldn’t trust anyone. But I can trust him? That seems crazy.
The craziest part, though, is that I do trust him.
Chocolate
Chocolate is a flavor. Kink is a flavor.
Ice Cream
Ice cream is a thing. Sex is also a thing. (Now I could switch it around and say that chocolate is a thing and kink is a thing. Which could also work. But I’m just mulling over a possible analogy here…)
Chocolate Ice Cream
You can have either chocolate or ice cream. Or both. Or you could combine chocolate and ice cream into chocolate ice cream (plain ice cream, by the way, isn’t a flavor. Vanilla is actually added to make plain ice cream into vanilla ice cream. Something I might not have realized until I was a little older than I should have been).
Perhaps you might go so far as to say that chocolate gelato– oooh, how fancy!– is the only ‘real’ ice cream. The only acceptable frozen delicacy for your palate. Maybe the speculation of any other frozen crème is utterly abhorrent.
Nevertheless, ice cream is still ice cream to the majority of the population, even if it’s strawberry flavored.
So, are kink and sex the same thing?
They are related. They -could- be the same thing (i.e. chocolate ice cream.) But the existence of chocolate ice cream doesn’t erase the reality of chocolate and ice cream as their own separate identities. Not even if you’re the type that only recognizes chocolate or ice cream in the form of the aforementioned chocolate ice cream. It is your right to take your own personal stand on chocolate ice cream, but that doesn’t change reality for everyone else.
Similarly, I could have a kinky play date without sex*. I could have sex without kinky elements. I could do both together. I could only have kinky sex, and never have vanilla sex. I can combine the two in an infinite number of ways, presumably. Of course, I would be doing this for science.
Allow me to reiterate:
Chocolate and ice cream are two different things. Kink and sex are two different things. Please do not assume you -know- how someone wishes the two combined (if at all).
Some people might only enjoy each thing (kink & sex) when the two are combined. Some may enjoy each separately, or only indulge in one or the other. Some people may have their preferences change over time, or simply depending on their current mood.
Just like how a person might enjoy chocolate, ice cream, and/or chocolate ice cream. Enjoying chocolate, but not chocolate ice cream, might be a rarity among consumers of ice cream and chocolate. But that does not make it an impossibility.
And that is the relationship between chocolate, ice cream, and kinky fun.
Okay, I think I can handle that. I love food and understanding concepts through food. This clarifies the concept in my head. Because I’m not sure I even want some insane, crazy sexual rollercoaster. I want someone who claims me and makes me feel— something different.
