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Lying on my side, I watch him sleep. He’s on his stomach, head turned away from me. Thick arm tucked underneath the pillow. His breathing is deep, even. Innocuous.
A startling contrast to the snarling, howling beast he was last night.
What isn’t he telling me?
How do we cope with Dad being sick if none of us are talking?
I’m overwhelmed by all the unknowns. My eyes are swollen from crying. I’m in bed, not moving, but I can already tell my body is sore as hell from... well, Abel.
Not just between my legs. I also feel like I pulled muscles in my back. My hamstrings are tight to the point of pain. And my neck has this weird crook in it.
Rolling onto my back, I muffle a groan. The bruises on my backsidehurt. My chest feels heavy.
My body is a living, breathing reminder of this man. The wonderful things he did, and the way he made me feel.
My stomach flips at the memory of how we clung to each other in the dark after my brother left.I need you,Abel said. He meant it.
I needed him too. The comfort of his presence. The power of his body to make me forget, even for a little while, Dad’s diagnosis and Tuck’s anger, his warning that Abel would hurt me in the end.
Tears press hot and insistent against the backs of my eyes. I’m terrified I’ve fucked up by lying to everyone.
Glancing at Abel, I’m terrified I’m lying to myself.
I hear the girls scratching at the door. Mother of the year over here, locking her dogs out of her room so she can get laid.
I don’t want to wake Abel. I also need some time to myself to think. I’m silent as I creep into the bathroom and throw on shorts and a University of Texas sweatshirt. Letting myself out of the room, I close the door behind me and go downstairs.
I feed the girls and slip on my tennis shoes. Then we head to the beach.
The sun is just breaking over the horizon when Cher, Tai, and I hit the sand. Sunset on the island will always be my favorite time of day, but sunrise might just give it a run for its money. The sky is soft pink. The ocean is calm, almost quiet, the breeze gentle. The beach is deserted.
Perfect for a long walk. I let the girls off their leashes and they scurry out in front of me, sniffing at everything. I breathe in the salty air and move my legs. I’m so tired my head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton.
I feel the soreness between my legs with every step.Abel. Abel. Abel.
I actually had sex with Abel. I looked him in the eye and—oh my God—asked him point blank to hook up.
Even after everything Mollie said about Abel being attracted to me, I still thought he’d turn me down. We’re so different. And his relationship with Tuck means a lot to him. He wouldn’t risk that unless...
Can’t go there.
I love how he made sure I always came first, and hard. How he pushed me to keep asking for what I wanted by telling me what he wanted. And the aftercare—that wasthe best.
Was Mollie right? All the times I’ve caught him looking at me over the years, his random acts of kindness. Is it so far-fetched to think Abel feels the same way about me that I feel about him? My heart soars at the idea.
But he made very clear from the beginning he’d never want an actual relationship. Even if he did want me as more than a hookup, more than a fake wife, Tuck is right. We ultimately don’t want the same things in life.
How, then, did he sound so convincing when he told Tuck last night that he loved me? That he changed for me, because of me?
Why won’t he fully explain why he doesn’t want a family of his own? I know some of his story, but I’m clearly missing some important pieces of the puzzle.
Cher stops to dig at a dried-out horseshoe crab. I gently guide her away, wishing I’d brought some of those treats Abel bought.
Would Tuck feel differently about Abel and me being together if he knew what a great fake husband he’s been?
I’ve only seen my brother that upset one other time. It was when his first wife walked out on him when Katie was six weeks old. He was angry at first. But as time went on, I realized that his anger was really sadness. The kind of grief that’s so deep and hurts so much it manifests as rage.
Tuck’s pissed that I married his best friend, yeah. But underneath that, he’s sad, and that makesmesad. Is he upsetbecause we lied to him? Or is he upset because he genuinely believes Abel is terrible for me?
