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‘A thought on which I have reflected every day of the last ten years,’ Nicky said. ‘Do you think that hasn’t occurred to me? That if I had just been more patient, had more sense, if I had given himtime?—’
‘You’re suggesting he might have grown out of it,’ Aaron said. ‘I think he was, if anything, growing into it. You are both letting the man he could have been blind you to what he was becoming. To me, in that last argument, it was very clear indeed.’
There was a moment’s silence, then Ella exhaled, long and deliberate. ‘Perhaps. I don’t know if it matters, really. He knew you didn’t love him any more, Nicky, and I quite believe he would have destroyed you for it, and Jem with you. Perhaps he would have been sorry afterwards, but he was too angry, too hurt, to consider that. I saw as much in our—our last conversation.’ Her voice faltered on that for the first time.
‘What happened?’ Jem asked, almost in a whisper.
‘I told him he’d won, and Aaron had broken the engagement, but that I hated him and he was no longer my brother, never would be again. I meant it with my whole heart, and he knew I did, but he wouldn’t retract. He had to win, even if it meant he lost me. I told him he had, and the next day he was dead, and I have felt as guilty as though I struck the blow myself ever since. No wonder you didn’t believe me, Aaron.’
‘I’m sorry,’ Aaron said again. ‘I should have trusted your word.’
‘And I’m sorry, Nicky,’ she said quite levelly. ‘If you came to him after that conversation, he would have been desperate for someone to take it out on. And also…ugh. I told him that if he laid information against Aaron, I should let the world know he had betrayed his friend. It’s possible I made him realise he needed a catspaw.’
‘Perhaps,’ Nicky said. They both sounded calm, in the way a man might be calm crossing a tightrope above an abyss because, if he lost control at all, the fall would be terrible. ‘But he always liked to have people dance to his tune. It’s just that the tunes used to be pleasant ones.’
‘Especially you,’ Ella said. ‘He got you drunk forCymbeline, didn’t he? Do you think, when he picked up the knife, he intended to hurt you? Physically?’
There was a long silence.
‘I don’t know,’ Nicky said at last. ‘I think what he really wanted was to make us both know our place. For me to admit that he could kill me and get away with it.’
‘Because you belonged to him.’
Nicky’s face twitched. ‘Not as much as you.’
‘No. Toby thought you belonged to him, but heknewI did. Grandfather used me as an example to teach him how to run a household. “Your sister has stained her dress with playing at scientific investigation, how should she be punished?” “Your sister wishes to attend the Royal Society lectures, should that be permitted?” When I wanted to attend a women’s college, Toby and Grandfather agreed that it could only be Anselm Hall. I wanted to go to Girton, but Toby was going to StAnselm’s and that was that. It never crossed his mind that he didn’t have a say in my marriage; as far as he was concerned, he had the only say.
‘I loathed Nicky growing up, because my importance in life was entirely related to Toby, and I couldn’t afford for him to care about other people. And he liked the devotion, the competition. He had Nicky for school and me for home, and he loved us because we loved him best of all. And when we failed to do that, when we put our own lives and loves first, we betrayed him unforgivably. We betrayed him, and you twostolefrom him.’ She glanced between Aaron and Jem. ‘Because Nicky and I were his. And if he’d only thought about it—if he’d justtriedto be generous or magnanimous, as he could be…’
‘Because he could be wonderful,’ Nicky said harshly.
‘But he had to be the main character, or he’d ruin the play,’ Ella finished. ‘I miss my brother. I miss him every day. And I’m so relieved he’s gone.’
She swiped angrily at her eyes. Nicky was huddled in his chair, both arms wrapped around himself. Aaron was stiff with tension, hovering by Ella, not touching her.
‘And what does that mean?’ Jem said, more roughly than he intended. ‘Where does all this get us?’
‘Toby’s life was worth no more and no less than any of ours, no matter what he may have thought,’ Aaron said. ‘The question is whether Nicky’s life is required to pay for Toby’s.’
The words thudded into silence. Nicky swallowed. ‘I—would prefer to avoid a trial. My family, you understand. If you give me until tomorrow, I will do the decent thing. I’ll leave a letter, of course, to be made public.’
‘No,’ Jem said.
‘The law—’ Nicky began.
‘Be damned to the law,’ Aaron said. ‘Laws are what got us all into this. The three of us most affected by Nicky’s act are here?—’
‘Prue, too,’ Jem said.
‘Pruecausedthis, when she went running to spill our secrets,’ Ella said, with a savage bite in her voice. ‘If there is one single act of stupidity that precipitated this whole disaster?—’
‘It was mine,’ Nicky said. ‘Whatever anyone else did, I’m to blame.’
‘Yes, you are,’ Aaron said. ‘And yet I cannot see how driving you out of the world will do the slightest bit of good. It won’t bring Toby back, or restore his memory, and it certainly won’t clear our names: I expect the letters will only increase in volume. So I ask again, does justice require an eye for an eye?’
‘I don’t want vengeance,’ Jem said through a dry throat. ‘I wanted to know what happened because I thought that would be the only way we could ever put anything right.’
Ella steepled her fingers in front of her face, as though she were praying. ‘Putting things right. How do we do that?’
