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“Your sneaking off to beat the shit out of people every night is, though. Why?” He blinked, and I was momentarily distracted by his thick lashes that kissed his wet cheeks. They were so dark against his light skin, such a contrast to everything else that it made his eyes even more intense as they scanned my face.
He would never understand. None of the guys we hung around would. So I’d kept it a secret. I’d used it as a tool to get out all of my frustrations. A tool to keep me from going too far off the rails. Because when no one cared about you, it was hard to give a shit about yourself.
“None of your fucking business.” I turned my back on him, grabbing my cigarettes from my pocket and quickly lighting one up, keeping it under the cover of the awning overhead. The high from earlier slowly dissipated as I stood there shirtless in the middle of the pouring rain, with my face aimed up toward the night sky. “Go home, Gavin.”
There was a slight pause, and then, “What?”
I glanced over at him, noting the way his impeccable suit was now plastered to his slim legs and lean torso. “I said, go home.”
“No.”
“Jesus, what is your deal? First you follow me here, then you almost get jumped, and now you won’t leave me alone?” I took a drag of my cigarette then blew it out. “You wanna fuck me? Is that it?”
Gavin’s jaw hit the pavement at that. His eyes roved over my naked torso and down to where my jeans barely clung to my hips. I knew he wasn’t interested in me that way, but since ordering him home wasn’t working, I had to find a new tactic—and this was it.
“Do I want to?—”
“Fuck me? You seem to be following me around a lot lately. Pushing into my room when I’m naked?—”
“Uh, you’re insane.” Gavin shook his head. “I think you’ve gotten one too many punches to the head during those fights of yours.”
“Or maybe I’m right. We live together, you’re single, maybe you’re a little hard up.”
Gavin scoffed. “Yeah, that’s why I followed you down into an abandoned railway tunnel, because I wanted you to fuck me in it. Did it ever occur to you that I might be worried about you? That I might care?”
No it hadn’t. “Who asked you to?”
Gavin’s jaw twitched as he glared across the alley at me, and I had a feeling that if I were closer, he might’ve landed a blow to my jaw.
“You’re such an asshole.”
“Again, this isn’t news.”
“Is it so horrifying to you that someone would worry about you?”
“Yes. So do me a fucking favor and stop.”
Gavin’s shoulders went rigid as he angled his chin up, his Adam’s apple bobbing as he swallowed back whatever retort was on his tongue.
“Fine,” he finally said.
“Fine.”
“If you want to hurt or punish yourself for whatever reason, who am I to stop you? Go and get the shit kicked out of you, see if I care.”
Gavin’s harsh words contradicted the worry etched into his features, as I flicked my cigarette butt to the ground and stomped on it like it was his feelings.
I didn’t do this. I didn’t do feelings, have friends, or people who cared about me. I hung with the rest of the group because that was where I’d been put. But this softness in Gavin’s eyes, this caring and worry I could see under the annoyance—I didn’t do that. I didn’t know how. I didn’t want to. Because when someone cared, you had a responsibility not to fuck it up, and I knew myself better than that.
Someway, somehow, I would always fuck it up.
I crossed the alley, and was about to step around him and head back down into the tunnels when Gavin reached out and put a hand on my arm.
“Try not to get yourself killed.”
For a second there my heart jolted at the soft request. But I masked my reaction with a derisive smirk. “’Cause you wanna fuck me?”
Gavin’s eyes narrowed and he shoved my arm away. “On second thought, do whatever the hell you like.”
