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CATERINA
My days areall starting to blend together.
I wake up. I eat something that I can stomach, which is usually just some toast or an apple. I wander around the empty mansion, completely alone, completely out of touch. I’m trying to find a way out, but so far, I’ve got nothing.
It doesn’t help that I’m totally alone. For the first time in years, it’s just me and my thoughts.
And I think my thoughts are winning.
Every day feels like more and more of a burden just to get up. I recognize the feeling; I’ve been here before.
I can’t, however, stop it as it slowly creeps over me.
When I had Luna, for the first time in my life I experienced depression. It was definitely post-partum, compounded by the fact that I was grieving the loss of my parents, but I had never experienced anything like it before.
Lots of people describe their depression as something big or consuming, a feeling that overwhelms them or makes them feel like they’re totally losing control.
For me, it’s more like… watercolors. Everything starts vividly, but over time, the colors fade. My connection to the world dulls, diluted by the distance I’m feeling, until I’m not there at all anymore.
I’m painting with water on a blank paper, and while it’s there at first, as soon as it dries, it’s gone.
I’m gone.
I realize that I haven’t even seen Gia in days. I wonder if she’s left, or if she’s just doing something else.
I pretend that it doesn’t sting that she’s left me too. Elio obviously wanted to assign her to be my babysitter, so it shouldn’t bother me.
I guess it doesn’t.
But nothing does. Very little actually makes an impact on me, except thinking about Luna.
I spend most of my day thinking of her. I wonder what she’s doing, whether she’s enjoying Nonna Mia’s farm.
Whether she misses me too.
She has to. I’m her mother. I’m her whole world. Me, Marco, Sal, Dino… she doesn’t even go to kindergarten yet because we’re so afraid to send her, because one of her classmates might recognize Elio’s looks on her face.
Seeing him look at me was one of the hardest things, because all I could see was her.
Even Gia as his twin feels like I just see Luna everywhere. Gia’s features are less like Luna’s, but her hair is a curly mess just like Luna’s.
For a few days, I wanted to get the hell out of here. I turned over every nook and cranny trying to find evidence that would lead me to be able to correctly identify who murdered our parents, and how we can prove it was Elio.
But there’s nothing.
And today, any of that motivation has…
Faded.
I just want to be with Luna.
I’m sitting by the window that overlooks the backyard when I hear noise. The armed guards that patrol the property at all times aren’t nearby, and they rarely make enough sound to register anyways.
Gia’s voice comes next. “Caterina! You better not be looking out of the window like an old-school widow!”
I pull my sweater closer and ignore her.
“Caterina,” Gia singsongs. “Where are you?”
