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“Adley, it absolutely should.” Farrah moves to the other chair next to me and pulls me in for a hug. “We’re here to lean on each other, good or bad.”
“I love you guys.”
“We love you, too.” They wrap me up in a group hug and I almost spill it. Ialmostsay he was so high and drunk and that’s why he doesn’t remember. Ialmostsay that he has a problem and I’m scared to death for him. But I don’t. And for no other reason except that I think I’mthe only one who could save him. And I don’t want to say that in those words and make it sound like I’m better. I’m not. But I see him differently. And I’ve been through it already with my father. I know I could walk it with him.
But how on earth can I be the one when I’ve already run from this same scenario? I need to end what I’m in before I can take on another. I’ve got my own demons to battle, ones I need to overcome before I can take on his. Because if I can’t be strong enough for me, I definitely can’t be strong enough for both of us.
I want to vow to pull him out, but I’ve already failed with my dad.
I wasn’t enough no matter what I did to make him stay.
And clearly I didn’t leave that impact with Billy, either.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
BILLY
After leaving the engagement party,I got wasted.
Having Tom home on leave while that party happened was fortunate because he kept me one step away from going too far.
I could tell he wanted to be anywhere but here, and I know that’s partly my fault, but I couldn’t make myself stop.
I look forward to his brief visits home, but once he gets here, he’s always different. He’s not the brother I knew when he left the first time, and he’s not even the brother I knew when he left the third time. It’s been three years since he joined the military and I’ve seen him a grand total of about one hundred hours in those years, and it’s fucking killing me.
Everything is different now. Life is changing and I’m not ready for it. Everyone calls me a baby, and in some ways I know they’re not wrong, but it shouldn’t have happened this fast, and I can’t force myself to catch up and be okay with all of it.
I haven’t managed to find a way to adjust to this new reality andI’m sinking quicker every day. Everyone is moving on to bigger and better things and I’m just that same old clown living up to the ‘out-of-control Casanova’, but why not? At least the women love me. For a night, anyway.
Working for Adam has been a shit show. Ever since I got that DUI, he’s been my shadow, and I can’t get a minute alone. As the older brother, he’s become obsessed with making sure I’m making all the right choices, but I’ve already got a dad. I don’t need a second.
Jackson is spiraling out in the NFL. The weekend after the party, I had to get away from this town, so I visited him at a Carolina home game, and we had a fantastic time. It felt like the good old days when we had no worries.
I was so damn proud to see him on that field. To know one of us made it out of this town was just amazing. I couldn't care less about the other athletes around him. He plays with some big names and it’s still surreal to me that he is one of those names now. But to me? He’s still the same old Jackson that my sister has been in love with since we were kids.
Yes, I know how she feels. You’d have to be a blind fool to miss it. I don’t know how the others don’t see it. All those stolen glances, and questions asked about how he’s doing. I’m not sure he knows, but he was questioning what she’s been up to, as well.
“Jackson, I’d want nothing more than to call you my brother-in-law. Seriously, man.”
“Bill. Knock it off. It’ll never happen. Your sister is way out of my league.”
I came home from that weekend with him, and it made me miss everything even more. Miss the way he and my brothers and I hung out every day after school.
I went to mom’s house looking for comfort. She cooks every Sunday and lately, I’ve been the only one showing up. Tom is deployed, Francesca is in the city and Adam is too busy working and trying to make it up to Chelsea when he isn’t.
But I enjoy the one-on-one time with mom. She and I have always had a special bond. I don’t know why, but she gets me. Nights spentby the fire, talking about life, love, and my future. She helps me see so much more outside of where I’m at.
“Hey Ma, something smells good!”
“Billy! Come on in. It’s just you, me and dad tonight.”
I roll my eyes, not at all surprised. “Let me guess, Adam’s kissing ass to Chelsea?”
She shakes her head,tsking me as she replies, “Chelsea was in the office yesterday and said she had planned a night for them tonight. It’s their anniversary.”
“Oh? Anniversary of the time he continues to choose work over her?”
“William. Leave him alone. He’s doing the best he can.”
