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“Marry me! I need to know you’re mine!”
“Marry me! I only want you.”
I’ve seen huge strides with Billy. We all have. And it’s not just recently, it’s been a slow build over time, and I couldn’t be prouder of the man he’s become. Having a storm to walk through only means you get a chance to prove to yourself and everyone around you that you can walk out the other side stronger.
I love him and couldn't ask for a better husband, and father to our baby.
But I’m scared to death.
I’m scared to death not of him anymore, but of me. Years of avoiding commitment make the idea of embracing it now,terrifying. I’m older, wiser and I’m definitely more established, so my inability to let it go is mind-boggling and frustrating.
I’ve been the one to help everyone out. I’ve bailed out my sister. I’ve been there for my friends. I’ve stood by Billy’s side. But now that it’s time to let them do it for me, I just don’t know how to let it happen.
I’m afraid to commit because after what I’ve seen and what I’ve grown up with, I’m afraid to repeat that cycle. And once it’s no longer just him and me, if things take a wrong turn, I’m affecting more than just myself.
Billy has gone from a young kid without a care, only out for a good time, to a steady force to be reckoned with. He’s a major part of his family‘s business, whether or not he believes it. His nieces and nephew adore him, and I love the relationship that he has formed with them. Unknowingly, he’s forming a strong connection and establishing a sense of safety as someone they can rely on.
Bill told me Jackson came to him to talk about this new coaching job and what would happen if he left. Billy‘s advice has been top-notch, and I don’t think he understands the impact he has on this family.
I don’t know what it means to have a twin, but I do know what it means to have a sister. That bond is strong. I understand why he felt alone when Tom left. He relied upon him, and it transformed his personality into a dependent nature.
Though we are there for each other, I feel like I'm more of a crutch to him, but now, I need him to step up for me, like he’s done for everyone else. I need him to stay strong in our relationship and I need him to stand strong as a father to our child. I realize he will insist on marriage, so I must decide for myself what I want to do. I can put rules on our relationship, and I can help him level up, but I want him to have the desire to level up.
And I don’t quite know what that means.
Maybe it means deciding about the bar. Maybe it means taking greater control of the construction business. Maybe it means I let him step into the head of household role at home.
You know, let him put a ring on it.
He owns my body. He says all the right things. But to take all that and put it into an action plan is an entirely different matter. It’s one thing to ask haphazardly, but another to actually mean it.
I should shock him one day and say yes.
Then there’s the fact I confuse myself because I complain when he asks, and I complain when he doesn’t.
But I know I can’t keep using ‘all words, no action’ as an excuse when I see the work he’s putting in.
I’m going to have to decide.
** *
I’m feeling almostgood today.
I found that if I constantly suck on a lollipop, it calms the nausea. So, spending the day shopping with Farrah for the anniversary party was enjoyable. I found myself feeling lighter, happier. It was like we had a secret we were keeping from everyone we passed, and I wondered if others could see it.
Returning home, I find Bill in the kitchen starting dinner. It’s such a simple act, but it means the world to me. My dad never made it home for dinner despite mom preparing it nightly, expecting him to walk through the door. It’s a memory that haunts me; sitting at the table with my sister, plates in front of us, the food turned cold waiting for dad to walk in. He never did.
“There’s my queen.” He pulls me right to him, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my forehead. I inhale his scent. There’s no hint of alcohol. Just his light scent of cologne and sweat from a hard day’s work. He turns and sits on the stool at the island, widening his legs as I step in. “You look gorgeous today.”
“Thank you. Farrah and I were getting things for your parents’ party. I really think they’re going to be so surprised. You’re a good son, William.”
He smirks. “You know me, always looking for a way to one up my siblings.”
I push at his shoulder, and he pulls me tighter. “Stop it. You know your heart is in it for them and you know this party came about because you love them and want to show off that love.”
“Do you need to write that down?”
Rolling my eyes as I try to step back, he locks his legs around mine, stopping me. He palms my breasts and his eyes light up, and I pretend to be annoyed by turning my head away, but he pinches my nipples and I gasp, earning a laugh from him. “Mmm, don’t act coy. You’ve been waiting all day for me.”
