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“That’s not like you,” Alice comes to my rescue. Ordinarily, it would be me saving her from a missed stitch or improperly sewnhem. But she throws her hands into my work, grabbing the seam ripper she reworks the stitches for me.
“Tania,” she says, her hands busy with my mistakes while I sit there numb waiting for the bot to stop scolding me in front of my co-workers. “What’s gotten into you?”
“I just can’t think,” I admit, grabbing my head with my hands.
“You’ve been like this since we got back.” This time I catch a tone in her voice. She’s been skirting around a subject lately, getting close to saying something. In the back of my mind, I think I know what she wants to say, but it's a question I'm not ready to face yet.
“I’m just hungry.” I throw down the fabric as soon as she hands it back to me. It’s true. I’m so hungry I can hardly think.
“You’ve been very hungry lately.” There it is again. Much as I need to face this question she won't ask, I know I can never take back the answer once it’s been put out in the open. As long as I bottle it up, it won't be real.
It can’t be.
“Well, who isn’t? She cut our rations at meal break.” I complain, hoping to distract her.
“She cut our milk from whole to 2%, that's not really a big deal.”
“Yes, it is!” I'm shocked as much as she is at my lost temper, but, as soon as I try to apologize I find I’m sitting again, lightheaded.
“I brought a snack today,” she says with that intrusive tone I've been trying to avoid. As I think about it, Alice has been more handy with snacks in general. “Granola?”
“Yes! Anything.” She reaches for the snack, and I sense the conversation looming.
As I devour her distraction, the words come at me, catching me in my defenseless state.
“Hey Tania,” I hear through crunches in my mouth. “I just realized that my period started today. I don’t have anything for it. Do you?”
“On no,” I tell her casually, crunching away and totally unaware that she finally found the right words to get my attention. “I haven’t had a period in months, sorry.”
As soon as the truth leaves my lips, I shriek. “Oh my god.”
“Yup.” She’s nonplussed.
“It's been months,” I shout through a mouthful of granola.
“Uh-huh.” She doesn't even blink while I sit there, nearly choking on a truth I've been avoiding for far too long.
“I might be pregnant,” I say without thinking.
“Shh!” she ducks me into the restroom. A common hangout away from the prying eyes of bots, Alice throws up her hands. “Everyone out! Tania and I need a moment.”
As soon as they leave she leans into my face.
“It's been how many months now?”
“About three,” I say, shaking now that the truth is hitting me in the face like a ton of bricks.
“Have you been nauseous?”
“Not really.” Maybe that’s why I didn’t catch it before, or even why I've been able to tell myself that this truth wasn't true. But now that the words have hit the fan, there’s no going back.
“I’ve been hungry.”
“I noticed.” She paces, the worry hitting her as much as me.
“And I'm so tired. I just can’t even think half the time.”
“Well, it’s not a mystery that we didn't catch it before. This is the first chance we’ve had to think since fashion week ended. What are we gonna do, Tania?” Her hands on her hips she looks out the window and back at me, just long enough for me to muster tears in my eyes.
