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I take my seat beside her and begin eating. The synthpaste tastes like wet paper, but I can’t afford anything higher than the lowest tier of a lifetime membership. This means that the food will be shit, but it’s better than going hungry.
I used to dream of running my own fashion design company. Now, I dream of being able to afford seasoned food someday. “What are we going to do?” I say to my little daughter.
She blinks at me, her golden eyes wide as though she’s contemplating the answer to my rhetorical question. “Ah-brrrrrp!” The raspberry she blows does a pretty good job of summing up my feelings. And then she makes one of those shrieks that babies make when they’re delighted by something.
In spite of my fear and exhaustion, I smile. “My sentiments exactly.”
Grabbing a wet cloth, I wipe her chubby cheeks. She looks so much like her father, especially in the eyes and the way they crinkle when she giggles.
Sometimes, when I lie awake at night, I worry that I will come to resent Garet and, eventually, her. After all, he stood me up, abandoning me with a baby. I may know intellectually that there was no way he could have known about her, but after years of this kind of stress, I might not be so rational.
And I love Armani so much. I can’t fathom ever not loving her, but it’s simply a fact that she is the reason we are in this situation. Obviously, it’s not her fault, but like with Garet, it might be easy to lose sight of this fact when we live like this for years on end.
Alice would say something like,“If you worry that you’re going to resent her to the point that it keeps you up at night, I don’t think you’re ever actually going to do it.”
“Okay, let’s get your jammies on,” I say, lifting her from her highchair and setting her on the floor. I swiftly change her into a clean diaper and grab the set of patchwork pajamas I made for her. She grows so quickly that I’m sure she won’t need it in a month, but that’s a problem for later.
Once she’s all bundled up, we sit on the couch and cuddle for a bit. “Do you want me to tell you about your daddy?”
She opens her mouth in a contented yawn. I’m not sure why I want her to know her father, or at least, know of him. He left me with barely a note and will likely never meet his daughter. But still, I think it’s important for her to know him.
“Once upon a time, there was a servant girl who got lost in the woods. She was very frightened and after hours of searching for home, she sat on a log and cried. Suddenly, there was a rustle in the leaves. She froze, listening and expecting a monster to pounce. But it was no monster. Instead, it was the most handsome hunter she had ever seen. When he spoke, her lips seemed to stage a mutiny against the words her mind wanted to say. He was—”
A knock at the door interrupts my words. I quickly set Armani in her crib. She protests the abrupt end to cuddle time, but it can wait. This could be a new repair job. I’m not sure how long I can go on like this.
“Coming!” Please let it be a new repair job.
I tear open the door, only to find the face of the one person I never expected to see again now standing in my hall. “Garet?”
He smiles nervously. In his hands is a bottle of Kaleidian wine and a bouquet of flowers. “Hi, Tania. Can we talk?”
Overjoyed, I throw my arms around him and squeeze him as tight as I can. “How did you find me?”
“I’ve been looking for you for a while now, actually. It’s a very long story, but I wasn’t having much luck until I ran into Alice just as her shift was ending. She told me…well, she told me everything.”
I blink. “Everything?” Even about Armani?
She could have given me a heads up that he was coming by. I wish she had so that I wouldn’t be standing in the hallway of my shitty apartment building, gawking like an idiot. But knowing her, she wanted it to be a romantic surprise.
“Can I…come in?” he asks, peering over my shoulder at the cracked door like he’s trying to take in as much of my living space as possible.
“Right, right, of course!” My voice is unusually high and squeaky. I can feel my heart acting like a battering ram against my chest, threatening to burst free from my ribcage with every beat. “Come in.”
I step aside to let him pass. Glancing around the dirty apartment, I feel a twinge of embarrassment. Scrap fabric is strewn about the ground and the table is still messy from dinner.
But then I realize that he’s not looking at the mess. He’s looking at the most important thing in the room. Armani stares up at him, her golden eyes matching his. She smiles and makes a happy baby screech.
“May I?” he whispers like he’s asking to touch a work of art or holy relic. My heart flutters at the reverence in his tone.
“Go ahead.”
He picks her up and carries her to the couch to bounce on his knee. Armani, delighted by the attention from someone new, giggles.
“So.” I join him on the couch, and she reaches for me. At that age, other people’s attention might be fun, but Mommy is the most important thing. She’s not fussing, though, so I give her my finger to hold and let him keep her. “I guess I want to start by asking what happened? Why did you stand me up on that date? I thought you weren’t interested in me anymore.”
He huffs and has the decency to look embarrassed. “I’m not sure exactly what happened. I was given the chance to retake my exam, so I sent you a note to reschedule. After my test, I went to that bar every night for weeks hoping you would be there, but you weren’t.”
My brows furrow in confusion. “I couldn’t read the note. It was raining that day. It got wet and I couldn't read it. I had toreturn here soon after, though, so I wouldn’t have been able to go back to the bar even if I did know.”
