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It hurt quite a bit, but not for long. I think the pain of it, the intensity of everything, is what gave me the space tofeelthe emotions that were infecting me. The space that I needed to just let go. The complete release of pain, fear, pleasure, and confusion pulled me back toward myself. It wasabsolutelyincredible.
He was so rough and forceful. I don’t think that it's how your first time is supposed to be, but I wouldn’t change it for the world. It was what I wanted without knowing that it was an option.
I didn’t think that my first time would be so heavy, yet somehow, it was the sexiest thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have never been more turned on by someone or something they did - ever.
I lick my lips and taste my blood on them. It should disgust me, but it doesn’t. After seeing how much it turned him on, I was also turned on by it.
“Little bird, I am so sorry.”
I tilt my head up toward him, confused by his words. I am the one who should apologize to him for lying to him the entire time we have spent together.
“What do you mean?” I ask. “What are you sorry for?”
“For being so rough with you - I didn’t mean to. I honestly never wanted to hurt you.”
“You didn’t hurt me, Antonio. It was incredible.”
He wraps his hands around my waist and leans my body away from his so that he can look at my face. He frowns, a look of concern traced over his expression.
“But you were crying?” he says, brushing his thumb across my cheek.
“Oh, um, yes, afterward, I cried a little. I just felt some very intense emotions.”
“Emotions? Not physical pain?”
“I felt pain. I mean, it hurt, but that isn’t why I was crying. I just got overwhelmed.”
“It wasn’t too much for you, Seraphina? Honestly, I know I got carried away - for your first time. I had intended to be so gentle with you.”
I smile at him. I reach up and brush my fingers over his blood-stained lips. “Well, um, you changed your mind at some point?”
He chuckles. Relaxing at the sight of my smile.
“I guess I did. Fuck, honestly, that was the most intensely satisfying experience I have ever had.”
I shift my body back a bit, wiggle my butt across the bed, and hold my hands up toward him.
“What?” he grins. “Do you want me to untie you?”
I nod. “I need to talk to you,” I say, knowing that it will not be a straightforward conversation.
He pulls the belt loose, weaving it off my wrists, and tosses it onto the floor next to the bed.
“Let’s hop in the shower; let me wash you, then we can talk over a cup of tea. I bet you still have eaten nothing.”
“I haven’t.”
I don’t feel hungry at all, though.
He climbs off the bed and takes my hand in his, leading me toward the bathroom. When the shower water is flowing, he steps in with me. And he rubs soap all over my body. The water runs off my skin, bubbly and pink, stained with my blood, then it runs clear.
He washes himself, so I take the soap from him, and he leans his hands against the shower wall above my head while I wash his body.
We are both quiet. Perhaps he is as lost in thought as I am.
I am thinking about so many things. I am trying to figure out what I want to say to him and how best to say it. I am also thinking about my father and how much hate I have for him.
Antonio leans past me to switch off the water.
