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“I'm fine, mama.”
She sighs into the phone; she knows me well enough.
“When will you come for dinner?”
“Soon, mama. Thank you for calling.”
We say goodbye, and I hang up quickly. My mouth clenched, my shoulders are tense, and my muscles throughout my body are tight. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to go for a session at my gym.
I don't know where else to put this heavy feeling that has settled on me.
My mother calls him a monster; she says he is cruel, but I'm him. I'm his son. His blood is my blood, so what does that make me in her eyes?
The more I think about it, the more I feel distanced from my Hong Kong family. It is a familiar separation that I have always felt; it just feels more intense right now.
I know they will never accept me for who I truly am.
Despite exerting more effort than usual at the gym that afternoon, I should be depleted of energy and emotion, but I’m not. I feel overwhelmed with questions that I'll never have answered.
Tomorrow afternoon is my father’s funeral. I want to be there. Nobody would even know who I am. I don’t even know if anyone on that side of the world knows that I exist.
I toss and turn in frustration until the small hours of the morning, when I finally drift off to sleep.
In the morning, I call my assistant and tell her to cancel everything scheduled for the day. I can't face meetings or clients. Not today.
I got out of a cold shower, just in time my housekeepers knocks on the door.
“Sir, your parents are here.”
Fuck.
“Thank you. Please tell them I'llbe out in a moment.”
When I walk into the living room where my parents are waiting, my mother jumps up and rushes over to me. “Antonio, I brought you your favorite dim sum buns. I made them last night.” She wraps her arms around me, and I hold her against me for a moment before stepping back. I'm not fond of intimacy, but I know she is just trying to show her love for me.
“Thank you, mama.”
My father walks over to me and wraps his arm around my shoulder, giving me a brief half hug. “Dad, it is good to see you. Can I have the chef make some breakfast for you two?”
“No, no, that is unnecessary; we are just stopping by. We are on our way to the flower market. You know how your mama loves to spend time there.”
“Some tea then?”
“We just wanted to come and check in to see that everything is going alright. What have you got planned for today?”
“I have taken the day off.”
“Oh.” I can see that this has upset my mother. “Is it because of what happened?”
“Yes, mama, I want to take the day to process it.”
My mother twists her fingers together, fidgeting. “You don’t need to live in fear anymore, Antonio.”
I grind my teeth, taking a moment before I spit out the first words that come to mind. She is my mother. I have great love for her, but I didn't view him the same way they do.
“I never lived in fear of him, mama. Maybe he only hid me from his enemies.”
She nods. I know she wants to disagree with me, but she presses her lips together. My dad is patting her back to comfort her.
