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‘He’s moving soon, though. Going travelling? He does it all the time. Months and years at a time. He’s that sort, you know? And I .?.?. well, I’m driving myself insane with it all. I’m in, then I’m out. I’m like – playing .?.?. the bloody hokey cokey.’
Mum nods, knowingly. ‘And what’s stopping you stayingin? With this person.’
‘Jack,’ I say, smiling at the sound of his name, here with me in this room. ‘I keep feeling frightened about going any further with it in case it hurts when he leaves. Which .?.?.’ I laugh. ‘I mean, regardless it’s going to hurt when he leaves, isn’t it?’
Mum simply smiles, her eyes, glistening. She is always low-key. If anyone is going to cry if I ever do walk down the aisle, it’ll be Dad who bawls his eyes out. Mum will simply stand tall, smiling, as if she always knew this moment would come and she is amply prepared. ‘The age-old fear,’ she says. ‘But look, it’s a frivolous sort of feeling, liking someone. Don’t let all those thoughts extinguish that.’
‘I know. And he makes me want to be .?.?. silly, too. Giggly. Young.’
‘And that’s what love should be,’ she says. ‘At the start, definitely, it should be that way. But it shouldn’t be lost to the years. It wasn’t that way for Julian and me. But me and your dad – we’re still silly. Still bring out the giggliness in each other.’
And it brings me hope that she and Dad are still the same. That it can still go back to how it was.
‘Owen and I didn’t really ever feel giggly. Or silly. Not really. It was just .?.?. hard in the end.’
‘I remember.’ Mum simply nods again, lets space expand, for me to fill.
Rain patters at the kitchen window, and everything feels so strange. As if this could be a scene from years ahead. Jack’s right. You can’t plan, can you? Not really. Because who would have thought thatthisis how life would look, a few months ago? It feels like I’m running out of places to hide. And I think, for the first time in a while, that maybe that’s a good thing.
‘For a while, I punished myself. Because I thought being with Owen would give me everything. Everything you’re supposed to have. But Owen wasn’t actually very nice to me. He made me feel less than .?.?. less than me, for justbeingme. And all under the guise of love.’ And I think now, of Cate and Nicholas. Maybe that’s why I could see Nicholas so clearly. The anger I felt was mine to feel. What is it Lin said? ‘It holds up a mirror.’ It’s that. I could see myself in Cate.
Mum nods. ‘It’s hard to see when you’re in it, though. I know that. You don’t see it for what it really is until you’ve gathered enough distance for it to come into view. But nobody, Millie –nobodyshould make you feel like you should apologise for who you are.’ And I wonder, for a second, if she means herself, too.
Before I leave, Mum helps me pack the boot of the car.
‘What if I don’t want to be the things you think I can be?’ I ask, my hand on the open car door, that first conversation in the garden with Mum, after Julian, feeling like a hundred years ago now. ‘And what if can’t, or what if I don’t know what I want yet? What if I don’t get married, or find a career, or have children, or .?.?. I don’t know. Brunch things. Auntie Vye’s conservatory things. What if I’m not what you hoped I’d be?’
Mum gazes at me, with round, tear-filled eyes. She reaches up a hand and cradles my face. ‘Oh, Millie,’ she says. ‘You already are.’
*
Text Message from Kieran:Millie, Dad told me everything that’s been happening at home. I feel like a total shit that I had no idea. Are you all right? We all have our skeletons, but another husband? One’s enough! (OK, too soon?) Please remember I might be miles away, but I’m here. I know I’m rubbish at checking in. We’ve just finished renovating. I’ve started lecturing in the evenings. But regardless of time and distance, I will always be your big brother. Mum and Dad will be okay. I know it. xx
Chapter Twenty-Three
Text message from Cate:Mate, I’m not even joking. I’m in A&E. I’m OK, don’t panic, they think it’s my gall bladder. I’m with Ralph and I’m being looked after. I’m so sorry I can’t follow you down, but please tell Alexis I love her. (That bitch better show up.) Something about being in hospital that makes you realise what really matters. She’s a dick, but I love her. And you. So much. Please stay there and enjoy it. You deserve it.
*
It started off fine. I called Ralph and said I wanted to turn around, come home, but they both insisted I headed to the treehouse and enjoy myself. Cate sounded giggly on pain relief, and Ralph was in full nurse mode, and when I got to the treehouse, I was really glad, in a way, they made me stay. The treehouse isadorable, and the view – the view is spectacular. Trees and trees for miles, webbed with endless, endless velvet sky. I had that feeling when I arrived. That opening inside of me – that feeling of newness.
But then: the rain.
Oh my God, the rain.
And at first, it was exhilarating. Romantic. Cosy. ‘I’ll pour some wine,’ I’d thought, ‘run a hot shower, get my pyjamas on,enjoythe peace.’ Because what could be so bad about that? I could cook the giant lasagne I’d grabbed from a Waitrose on the way, and all while being surrounded by nothing but trees and sky like those autonomous people do on Instagram. The ones who live in a van for a year and upload pictures of rainy truck windows and cups of steaming coffee.
But very quickly, it went oh-so-bloody wrong. The storm started. Rain first, yes, and then absolutehollersof angry thunder. And it’s not the water this time, like it was with the Yurt from Hell. It’s the power. The actualpowerwent out. And now I sit in darkness, with a phone at less than 15% battery, no electricity, and rain lashing down so hard, I can’t even see out of the window. I found candles under the sink and lit them with matches, but the thunder has ramped up a notch, now, which, along with the tree branches scratching the windows, makes it sound like the ceiling is caving in. The sky is a theatre, and I am a mere background artist in its show.
I’m trying to enjoy it.
I’m really, really trying.
Ilikenew things. I like new experiences. Right?
So, I sit by the candles, with a rockstar romance book Cate lent me a couple of weeks ago (mainly when I needed somewhere to vent my sexual frustrations after that almost-kiss in the cloakroom with Jack) and try to relax.
I’ll be fine, right? I am to treat this as a retreat, time to get my head together. Away from the stress of work, of Mum and Dad, of a life, A.E. But – it’s getting darker and darker. Wetter and wetter, angrier and angrier out there.
