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I have to give Lily credit for holding her temper longer than I'd have thought she would have. She waits until we're in the parking lot before she whirls around, her hand on my chest. "Start talking. What did you have to do with my seven-year-old daughter punching another kid and getting herself suspended right before the end of school?"
"She's suspended from first grade?? That's ridiculous." What is wrong with that fucking school? "I taught her some basic self-defense moves, okay? How to throw a good punch and –"
Lily interrupts. "You taught Chloe how to throw a punch? Why in the world? When, for goodness sake?"
"Hold up now, I'm not the one you should be mad at here. Neither is Chloe. If it's that little shithead Alex that she got into it with, she didn't do anything wrong. I told her the next time he pushed her, that she should push him back. Or hit him. Basic self-defense."
Lily's face is white. "Have you lost your freaking mind? Are you actually insane? You can't tell a seven-year-old to punch another kid!"
"He was pushing her around. Alex and Hannah have been bullying her, pushing her and tripping her and stuff. They kicked dirt in her face!"
Lily stops, looking at me with her brow furrowed. "She told you that?"
"Yeah, when we were fishing."
"Why wouldn't she tell me?"
I exhale heavily. "She didn't want to worry you."
"You should have told me! Why on Earth wouldn't you tell me?"
Shit. "I thought I was helping!"
"Helping parent my child by teaching her how to punch someone to solve her problems?" Lily is furious. She reaches for her car door, yanking it open. "I don't need that kind of help."
She yanks the car door closed and then she's gone.
What was I thinking? That I could hang out with Chloe, bond a little bit, and that somehow I'd do the right thing when it came to a situation like this? Who in the world am I kidding? I have less than zero parenting skills. When I was a kid, I gave enough other kids black eyes that even the biggest bullies knew not to mess with my brothers or me anymore. Apparently, that's not how you do it.
I'm left standing there with a sinking feeling in my gut, the sense that everything is crashing down. I fucked up – and I didn't even realize I was fucking up. I thought I was doing the right thing, which means I have no fucking clue what I'm doing.
When it comes to kids or relationships.
40
Lily
I'm so angry I think I might actually explode. The entire drive to the elementary school, I'm thinking about how mad I am at Killian. How dare he teach Chloe to punch someone? He taught my kid to use her fists on another kid.
I'm furious with him.
But the anger at him quickly gives way to something else – guilt. I'm angry with myself, because how did I not know Chloe was being bullied at school? She should have been able to come to me, but instead, she didn't want to worry me.
How terrible is that? It feels like I'm the one who's been hit right in the gut. She told Killian instead of me.
And Killian kept that secret for her. He should have told me.
I should have known that getting involved with him was a terrible idea. Chloe and I were doing just fine without Killian in our lives. Sure, I've been having fun, laughing and feeling lighter for the first time in as long as I can remember – and Chloe likes him. But what was I thinking, dating someone who knows nothing about children?
It's completely irresponsible. I've been irresponsible.
"I'm really sorry," Chloe sniffles, her eyes red. "I know you're mad at me."
I exhale heavily. "No, honey. I'm not mad at you. I'm disappointed that you didn't tell me what was happening. Alex and Hannah shouldn't have been doing what they were doing. But I'm the grownup and it's my job to protect you. You're not supposed to handle that on your own. That's why you're supposed to tell me what's happening."
"You would tell Mrs. S."
"So? That's who I'm supposed to tell. She's your teacher!"
"They would just do it more. That's what happened after you talked to her before. It wouldn't do anything. And you get worried."
"My job is to worry about you, Chloe. That's what I do, because I'm your mom. And it's definitely my job to help with this kind of stuff."
"Alex pushed me in the shoulder."
"So you punched him in the face?"
"Hannah said that I don't have a dad because I'm stupid and ugly, and then Alex pushed me in the shoulder."
"Hannah said what?" That little shit.
"I know it's not true," Chloe says, exasperated. Her eyes well up with tears again. "But it hurt my feelings, and Alex was laughing and he pushed me again and I wanted him to shut his dumb mouth and stop pushing me. So I punched him."
Is it wrong that I know I'm supposed to teach her not to hit other kids, but inside I'm secretly a little bit pleased that Chloe punched the kid who's apparently been tormenting her?
I slide my arm around her and pull her onto my lap, her head against my chest. "You can't go around punching people in the mouth when they say stupid or mean things. Even if you want to. I want to punch people in the mouth sometimes, but I don't."
Chloe starts to giggle, then sniffs. "No, you don't."
"It's okay to feel angry and upset, but it's not okay to just hit another kid in your class. If you told me or the teacher what Alex and Hannah were doing, we'd make sure it stopped."
"Do I get to stay home from school?"
I groan. "Yeah, you get to stay home from school. They suspended you for three days. That's the whole rest of the school year. That means you're stuck with me at the bakery."
Now it's Chloe's turn to groan. "All day? But tomorrow is crazy hair day." The last week of school is basically a fun week, which means Chloe's getting doubly-punished by missing out on all of the end of school activities.
"Yep. Remember that the next time you think about giving someone a fat lip. And no TV this week, either. Make that two weeks."
"Mo-om."
"Don't mo-om me."
She sighs, but she snuggles up against me, quiet in my arms. "Are you mad at Killian?"
I exhale heavily. Am I mad at Killian? That's a complicated question. "I'm not mad at anyone, Chloe."
"I love you, mom."
"I love you, too."
"What am I going to do there all day?" Chloe whines.
"You're really going to go with whining here, when you got suspended from school?" I ask. "Hanging out with me all day long is your punishment."
"Mo-om."
My phone vibrates, signaling a text, but I don't open it because I'm driving. And also because I know it's Killian. Opal's daughter is already in town, so Opal is not texting me at eight in the morning. And I haven't quite worked out what I want to say to Killian, even though it's been running through my head all night.
This isn't going to work.
You made a mistake, let's move on. Just consult me before turning my kid into a boxer, okay?
I'm bouncing back and forth between extremes, and I don’t know which way to go. So I'm delaying responding to the text I know must be from him, even though I'm going to see him in a few minutes and have to deal with it then anyway.
When I arrive at the store, my heart stops. I can't even pull up to my regular parking space on Main Street. A bright blue van is parked outside of the bakery, and Killian stands on the sidewalk, his cellphone pressed against his year, yelling at someone.
I think I'm going to be sick.
What's that saying about bad things happening in threes? First Opal breaks her hip, then Chloe gets suspended. What the hell is going on at the bakery?
I park on the other side of the street, get Chloe out of the car, and take her hand as we cross the road. "Killian!" Chloe yells, running up to him and he high-fives her before hanging up the phone.
My heart is racing when I reach him and I don't know if I want to look inside the bakery.
Don't tell me something happened with the bakery.
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Don't tell me. Please don't say it.
"Something happened last night," Killian begins.
My heart sinks.
"What? What happened?" Chloe asks as she darts for the front door, but Killian scoops her up and deposits her in front of me.
"You can't go inside there, Chloe. It's all wet."
"Why?" she asks.
"What happened?" I choke out the words, my head spinning. Everything I have is inside that bakery – all of my hard work. My future. Chloe's future.
Killian grimaces. "It was the apartment directly above the bakery. A pipe burst and—"
"A pipe burst?" I squeak. "Well, it's a pipe in a small apartment. It can't be that bad, right?"
Killian frowns. "It's not great. The owner wasn't home. So it's been going all night."
No, no, no, no, no.
I tell myself to keep calm.
"Can Chloe stay outside with you for a second so I can take a look?"
"They're in there surveying right now, Lily. It's pretty wet. You should stay out here."
Fuck no. This is my bakery, my equipment. Oh, God. All of the equipment that I bought with my business loan. And my inventory and –
"My insurance paperwork is in the office."
"These guys aren't the insurance guys, Lily. I didn't want to go poking around in your things for your insurance policy. They're an emergency crew I called out – it's better to take care of water damage immediately."
"Not the insurance guys," I repeat stupidly. My thoughts are cloudy. I can't quite think straight, not with my head swimming, thoughts flying in a thousand different directions about things I need to do. I need to call the landlord. And I'll have to remake the cakes. A little water couldn’t damage all of the equipment, could it? It's heavy-duty stuff.
This won't be terrible, I tell myself.
"I can't pay for this, Killian," I say numbly. "The emergency guys, I can't pay for them."
"Your insurance will probably take care of it," Killian says, his voice calm. "Or the tenant's insurance or whatever. I paid for it. We can figure out the details later."
"What's wrong?" Chloe asks. "Can we go inside now?"
"Nothing's wrong, baby. There was an accident with some water in the store and we're just trying to figure out how to get the water out."
"Someone spilled something?" she asks. "You can just wipe it up."
"Good suggestion," Killian notes, and Chloe beams.
"You can't just pay for it," I whisper to Killian, my jaw clenched.
"I'm helping."
41
Killian
Lily keeps it together while she listens to the assessment of the damage, which is considerable. She nods mutely and bites her bottom lip, but not in the sexy way she does when she's with me. Now she does it while pressing her hands together, her fingernails digging into her palm. I stand there like a jackass, listening to the guy basically tell her that her business – her dream – is totally fucked and there's nothing she can do about it.
I mean, sure there's insurance. But that involves reams of paperwork and bureaucrats who will try to avoid paying, or else pay the least amount possible – and probably a clusterfuck between the tenant's insurance and her landlord's insurance and her insurance company. While they drag their feet, Lily's store will be closed for months and everything she's worked for will be destroyed.
So I stand here on the sidewalk, distracting Chloe by playing "I Spy" with stuff that we see around us.
And feeling more helpless than I've ever felt in my life.
Lily keeps it together when she's finished talking to them, and after, she makes a phone call, then walks back over to us, giving her daughter a sad smile. "Hey, Chloe, I called the babysitter. Bethany is going to come pick you up and bring you back to our house to play for a little while."
"Why? You said I could come to the bakery today!"
Lily pales. "Remember how just said there was some water inside the bakery? The guys just have to clean itup and it's not safe for kids to go inside right now."
"All riiiight," Chloe sighs.
She keeps it together until Chloe leaves, painting a bright smile on her face and playing "I Spy" with us like nothing out of the ordinary has happened.
But as soon as Chloe is gone, she lets out a deep breath, one I can tell she's been holding this whole time. She sits down on the sidewalk, leaning with her back up against the side of the brick building façade, and puts her face in her hands. I sit down beside her on the ground. "Please let me help."
She doesn't respond for a minute, but I can see a tear running down the side of her cheek and it just guts me. When she finally does turn toward me, it's with a defeated expression on her face. "It's bad, Killian. And the insurance – it'll be forever before they pay out or the place is suitable again. I'm sure I can get out of my lease, but not having the revenue coming in…" She inhales deeply as she stands up and wipes her palms on her jeans.
“Maybe you don’t have to close the store for months.” I pull myself up off the sidewalk and face her. I can see the fear in her eyes and it makes me feel sick.
I could just tell her – I can pay for everything. I could get everything fixed. It’s not even a big deal. It would be like a gift. A really, really big gift. What the hell else do I have to do with the money?
“There’s no way I can avoid it, Killian. I don’t know if I can – everything I have is in the store. I –" She sighs heavily. “I’ll figure it out. I’m going to have my parents pick up Chloe a little early, since she was suspended anyway.”
I grimace at the reminder that I fucked up with that. I’m sorry Chloe got suspended, and I think I’m supposed to feel sorry that she punched that kid. Except I don’t feel sorry for that part at all.
“I can help –" I start, but she puts her hand up, shaking her head.
"It's nice of you to offer, really, it is. But this is my problem, not yours, Killian."
"This is our problem," I correct her.
“This isn’t our problem, Killian,” she says, an unmistakable edge in her voice. “This is my problem.”
Irritation rushes through me. Her problem? “I want to help. Do you think I’ve really been hanging around you and Chloe this whole time so I can ditch you two just because some shit happens?”
