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“I don’t know. But I really don’t have anything to take with me,” she says.
I simply nod, not pressing any further. I can’t begin to imagine what she’s feeling. It kills me not knowing what goes through her mind right now. But we’re both a little preoccupied and a serious conversation will have to wait.
The rest of the temple’s inhabitants stare at us, wandering about. I try to ignore their judgmental eyes as best as I can. But Shana can’t help but return their gaze.
As we make it to the exit, a magical carriage awaits us. I don't know who sent it but I’m assuming it’s from Ishiraya. Carefully, I help Shana walk inside, and I follow behind her.
I shut the door, cutting us off from the stares. The door’s a barrier between Shana and the life she once knew. She's completely cut off from it and is now mine.
That’s what I want to think, at least. Her declaration to die by my side allows me to be selfish again. To decide on my own that she’ll be with me forever now.
Shana sits across from me, her head lowered and her hands balled up in fists. Her hair covers her face, and I don’t know if she’s crying or angry or anything. The adrenaline from Karona’s wrath dissipates, and now we sit in heavy silence.
Her knuckles are scratched red, the second of her ‘impurities.’ I’m the first one, after all. Now, I can’t laugh at that. I don't even want to, since I know it’s brought her so much pain and turmoil.
What if she wants to sever the mate bond?The thought pops into my mind.
A sense of dread overcomes me. I know I wanted to break out of it in the first place, but now I can’t think of anything worse. But I can’t discount the idea that the possibility could have crossed her mind.
The longer the ride, the heavier the silence. There’s so much I want to say to her. But where can I start?
I stare at her as I think over everything. I have to agree with Karona’s dislike for what I am. While she gave me the best pleasure and happiness I will ever experience, what have I given her?
I break the suffocating silence and kneel down in front of her. She’s taken aback, and I grab her hands. Mine shake from all the rampant emotions I try to suppress, reining in the fear of being rejected once again.
“Carus? What are you doing?”
“Shana, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I start to say.
She tilts her head. “Why are you apologizing? You shielded me from Karona and even went up against her.”
I shake my head. “That’s not it. I’m sorry for everything that I did since the moment I met you. I’m sorry that I was incredibly selfish and just thought of myself only.”
“Carus… you don’t have to apologize,” she says softly as she squeezes my hands.
“No, of course I do. At the time, the only thing I cared about was to have my needs met. To satiate this obsessive hunger for you. I tried to ignore the mate bond since I didn’t believe in it at first. All I wanted was carnal fulfillment. I’m sorry I used you, Shana.”
The shame and guilt fill my veins. I can’t bring myself to look up at her. I don’t know if I can bear to see her expression full of hate and resentment, even though I doubt she’s capable of such drastic emotions.
I lower my head on her lap, smelling the dirt and blood from her clothes.
“I beg you forgiveness. For everything that I did.” I frown at myself. I squeeze her hands as mine shake uncontrollably. “I know it’s too late, but I realize it now. I turned your life upside down just because I couldn't keep away from you. I kept making your life worse with all my wrong decisions. I even almost left you to face all the wrath.”
My face is hot and tears threaten to fall. I’ll show a disgraceful sight to her if it means she can forgive me. I don’t care if we’re not physically together, but I just want her in my life. Just a piece of her will be enough.
“If you wish to search for a way to sever our bond… I’ll accept it. I just ask that you don’t completely toss me aside. I’ll even be a friend to you.”
At this point, I’m just bargaining for anything like a pathetic being.
“Carus,” Shana says as she gently cups my face. She presses her forehead against mine. “Please don’t say those things. Of course, I forgive you.”
My eyes widen as I lift my head. “You do?”
She smiles and nods. Relief washes over me, and the heaviest of weights lifts off my body. The injuries don’t hurt anymore, and I can’t help myself but to pounce on her, hugging her and peppering kisses all over her face.
“Oh, Shana, my sweet and dearest Shana. Thank you for forgiving a wretched dark elf like me,” I say.
“Don’t call yourself that. You are anything but that. Especially since you were willing to protect me with your life.”
