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“How could I not?”
“How could you not?” I replied louder than I was intending to and hoped Romina didn’t pick up on the tension in my voice. “I loved you. Salvatrice. I loved you more than anything in the world. Fuck, I would rather cut both my hands than ever hurt you. I spent the last six years in hell; I can’t get married; I can’t even fathom a connection with another woman. My sex life is a scheduled transaction that means nothing more to me than physical release. The day you walked out on me, my whole world turned dull so no, Salvatrice, you don’t get to be afraid of me. You don’t get to be the scared victim when you know damn well I would have given you my life. No, fuck that, I gave you my life and you turned your back on it. Tell yourself you’re the victim all day if it helps you sleep, but you were just a vicious bitch to me.”
When I was over, my chest was heaving and my skin was on fire. It was like the anger was trying to escape through my pores. I guess I finally got what I wanted – look into Salva’s eyes and tell her off. I yearned to have a chance to do this, imagining it would be our end, but it wasn’t. It was the beginning of our intertwined life where we had to raise a kid.
Salvatrice had her way of making me feel like shit, even when I was the one bashing her.
“Oh, go to hell, Stefani!” She jumped to her feet and pointed a finger at me. “We were living together, and I had no idea who you were. You knew all the shit I’ve been through; you knew everything about me and one day I found out I was in bed with a man who could snap my neck without blinking if I pissed him off. What did you expect to happen when I found out? Still marry you?!”
“I expected you to give me the decency of a fair warning, not run away like a thief.”
“Can you even comprehend how terrified I was that day? How hard it was for me?”
“For fuck’s sake, Salvatrice, you pissed me off every damn day. You are stubborn and compulsive, you nagged me about the dishes in the sink and the coffee cup I used to leave on my nightstand. What happened every time we fought? I went into my office for a couple of hours and came back with a smile, begging you to let me lick your pussy. Why would you ever think I could hurt you?”
I was shaking from head to toe but so was Salva. Her green eyes were not reflecting the summer sun anymore, but rather burning from inside. We were both freefalling and I wanted to reach over and hold on to her, but I had a feeling she’d just slap me and walk away.
“I was stupid, ok? I made a rushed decision to protect myself. It’s called fight or flight, Roman, and I chose to bolt!” Her voice went up several notches, enough to disturb Romina from her peaceful watch of the waters.
“Salva,” I tried to warn her, but she didn’t pay me any attention.
“Don’t call me a bitch and don’t lecture me on good choices when you’re corrupted to the bone. Yes, I fucked everything up, but only because you pushed me to it.” Salva took another step forward and pushed me and when Maximus saw that, he released a loud bark.
“Sit, Maximus.” I told the dog and he listened, but wasn’t happy about it one bit.
Salva finally realized that we weren’t alone anymore.
“Are you alright, Mama? Why were you screaming?”
“I’m fine, Remy, I just need a moment.”
“Mama, but you…”
“Remy, I said I’m fine!” Romina flinched when Salva raised her voice, obviously not used to it. “Stay here with Roman. I need a moment to think.”
Salva left through the doors that led to the lower deck before I could say anything else. She was cut raw and my natural need to protect her was stronger than ever, but as soon as I looked down at Romina, all I wanted to do was to take the little girl in my arms.
“Is Mama mad at me?” Her lips were in a pouty frown, and she looked about to burst out into tears.
“No. God, no. She’s… well, she’s mad at me.” I gave her my hand and she took it, so when I saw she was ok with me, I picked her up and sat her on the table, so we could be eye-to-eye.
“Why? Did you do something bad?”
“No, actually, it’s your mama’s fault.” I wasn’t about to lie to her. “Adults fight, Romina, but you don’t have to worry. Everything will be fine.”
“Is this the last time we will see you?”
“Why would you think that? You are going to see a lot of me.”
“Because,” she said with a very serious grimace that was kinda funny on her little face, “after mama had a fight with Marco, I never saw him again.”
If Romina would have reached inside my chest, ripped my heart out and threw it to Max to chew on it, I would have felt better. The rage was nothing compared to anything I’ve ever felt. Salvatrice was scared of what I was capable of doing? Then she was going to hate it when I painted her bakery with the insides of this Marco.
“What did you say, Romina?”
“Yeah. He brought me a chocolate once, but it wasn’t good. It was bitter. Mama said it was because of the cocoa. He used to take Mama out, but I was never included, and after they fought, he never came back.”
And if he had half a brain he’ll never, ever set foot within a hundred yards of Salvatrice or my daughter again. I wanted to find that dirty motherfucker and make him pay for every second he spent with my daughter and the woman I loved, stealing them from me.
