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Avery decided to take advantage of the empty pool and the warm air, heading out for a night swim. I was going to go with her, but Jake asked me to stay while the band talked about Gary's audition. He'd left a little while after Max demanded that he stop giving away merchandise. He paid them, at cost, for the stickers, and this upset both Andrew and Max because every band knows that merchandise is where you make your money. Club owners don't always pay up at the end of the night, but fans do. They want the souvenir concert tee and wrist band or sticker for their binder. And that night, they'd made a killing-but that was not the point. The point was that you don't give merch away unless you can afford to and Analog Controller could not.
We were in a circle. Max and Andrew sat in the only two chairs at the small table near the window and Jake and I were sitting together on the side of the bed to face them. I pulled my legs under me, settling in to listen though I knew what was going to happen.
"Gary's out." Max stated, swirling an open bottle over his lap. "You don't walk into a conditional situation and start making decisions without consulting the band."
Jake nodded, but said nothing.
"Sorry to say it, man, but I agree." Andrew looked to Jake, whose hand was moving along my thigh. "I know you don't want a girl in this and I get that. But he was wrong, dude. So, it's either Angelica or you keep doing what you've been doing."
Jake turned to look at me. He took a deep breath. "What did you think of the show?"
"It was fantastic. But you-you're vocals were so much stronger. It surprised me. I didn't realize how much you were holding back to play lead."
"Yeah, man, I got a lot of comments from other bands, asking if you were taking voice lessons." Max chuckled. Andrew joined him.
"Potheads" Jake almost smiled. "I wasn't restrained. Playing rhythm was easy. I could focus on singing."
"You focused the shit out of that crowd." Andrew saluted with his water bottle.
Jake sighed. "Basically, what I'm hearing is that if Angelica can play half as good live as she did in rehearsal, she's in?"
"She's in." Andrew repeated.
"And if she doesn't give our shit away." Max added.
+++
I held Jakes' hand on the way to my room. He was quiet, his shoulders set noticeably lower than a few minutes ago. Once we were inside, he coolly sat on the bed, holding his head.
"You're taking this awfully well." The sarcasm was supposed to distract him, but he just sat there.
"Do you ever get that feeling like something is about to happen?"
"No. I'm always surprised." I thought he'd see the irony and laugh, but he stayed quiet. When Jake raised his head, I was shocked by the stress in his face. "You just had one of your biggest shows ever. You're signing with a record label . . . What is going on with you?"
"I've had this knot in my gut for the past month and I can't figure it out."
"It's probably nerves about all the changes that are happening. It's nothing."
"Or maybe it's everything."
I took a deep breath. The mood should have been buoyant. Happy. But Jake was a ball of stress. Those two words passed through my mind again and I felt frustration cover me like a blanket.
"What are you going to do about it?"
"I don't know . . ." He looked down.
I took my hand from his knee and sat back, irritated. "You know, but maybe you don't want to say it. You've been stressing since you told me about that girl. What I don't get is why?" Those two words played on repeat in my head. 'Not yet . . . Not yet . . . Not yet.'
He nodded, picking at a string on the motel bed spread. I waited for him to say something to break the silence that felt very intense. He just kept pulling at the threads of the blanket. It wasn't like Jake to be so quiet. Not with me. We talked about everything. And that silence he was emitting felt like it spoke volumes, like he was trying to tell me something he couldn't say, something I didn't want to hear.
"Not yet."
I huffed, "Do you want my permission to fuck her?"
His head snapped up. I saw a second of outright shock before his eyes blazed. "What the hell kind of thing is that to say to me?"
"What else am I supposed to think?" I was just as shocked. I'd never spoken to him like that before. And asking the question out loud made me realize how ridiculous it sounded, but there was no other explanation that I could see.
