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Speaking softly, she made it easy on him. “I’m pre-law right now, but,” she tried to find the words but they didn’t come smoothly, “I don’t know, it’s okay, but who knows.” She fidgeted with her pen, seeming nervous herself.
Her voice, though sounding nervous, was inviting and agreeable. It helped calm Jesse down, and they talked for the next several minutes about other mundane things: their majors, how they’d done on the last test, how much they disliked chemistry. She smiled warmly, and her smile infused Jesse with a feeling he had previously only imagined.
The class soon began and they were silent. Jesse had figured the start of class would provide a break from having to think of things to say, but now he actually wished he could keep talking to her. He had a hard time paying attention to the professor, the physical being of so many of his fantasies sitting right next to him. The professor was still lecturing as the clock passed two-thirty, officially the end of class, and the sweeping second hand pushed forward into the students’ free time.
“I hate it when he does this,” she said as the class became restless.
“What, talk about chemistry?”
She chuckled softly. “I hate that, too. I have a class in Winthrop, on the other side of campus. He always makes me late.” She was packing up her books and notebook as the professor wound up his lecture. She stood and began to make her way past the contracting knees of other still-sitting students.
“Thanks for letting me copy your notes,” Jesse said as she squeezed by him.
“Oh, no problem. Bye.” She waved and smiled. Jesse’s stomach went on spin cycle, his insides warmed like a crackling fireplace on a cold, wintry night.
Jesse headed for dorm after class, but his reverie carried him past his dorm and onto the city streets. He put his headphones on and just walked. He could have gone ten, maybe twenty blocks—he was too lost in thought to keep track. Delightful images of the black-haired girl blended seamlessly with the music, her warm, inviting smile the dominant image in his mind. There was no misinterpreting that smile. It meant she had enjoyed his presence, however brief. It meant that his plan to sit next to her and talk to her was a success. It meant that he could approach her again, this time talking of more substantial things, perhaps even asking her out.
Jesse floated on air for the next two days. He made sure to get to class early on Wednesday to get a seat next to her, but she didn’t show up for class. He was disappointed he didn’t get to see her, but the next class was only two days away.
He had had an appointment with his Modern Lit professor on Friday to discuss his final paper and was kept later than he’d anticipated, so was running late for chemistry class. The lecture had already started when he got there. He went in a back door and crept into a back row seat, all the seats around the black-haired girl being taken. He didn’t even open his notebook and pretend to pay attention; he was too busy wondering what he should do about her. Should he try to approach her after class? He could walk with her if she was going to her class in Winthrop. Or should he not rush things and just wait until Monday? But then, he hadn’t even talked to her that much, and if he waited, she might forget about him entirely. Before he had made a decision, the professor concluded class—six minutes early—and everyone began to rise from their seats and head for the aisles. Jesse bolted up and scurried toward the aisle, keeping an eye on where the black-haired girl was going. He saw her walking in his direction. He stood off to the side and, keeping one eye on the oncoming rush of people, pretended to look for something in his backpack. He looked up as she neared him. They made eye contact.
“Hi,” he said as she approached him.
“Oh, hi,” she said, seeming to not recognize him at first, then immediately looked forward and pushed hurriedly into the crowd.
“Are you…“ Jesse began to say, but she was already by him, washed away in the stream of students. He felt awkward, embarrassed. He slung his backpack over his shoulder and walked into the crowd, fighting his way through the throng, and went out a door at the front of the lecture hall.
“What a bitch,” Jesse said to Todd and Meredith later in his dorm room. He sat slouched down in his desk chair drinking a Harpoon. He splurged for good beer when he got the job, but the spicy pumpkin flavor wasn’t enough to sweeten his sour mood. The best he could hope for was to dull the sickly feeling of rejection.
“Maybe she was just in a rush,” Meredith said, leaning against Todd, who sat on his bed with his back against the wall. “You said she had that class right after. Maybe she was in a hurry to get there.”
He hoped Meredith was right, but it didn’t seem likely. “I doubt it. We got let out of class early. She could have spared thirty seconds. She hardly even looked at me.”
He had gone over it several times. He’d only spoken to her briefly before class about relatively superficial things. Was all his hope merely the result of his daydreaming? Though at times carried away by his imagination, he wasn’t delusional. He knew there had been nothing substantial between them. But she had seemed so receptive when he spoke to her. And there was that smile. That smile could have melted glaciers. Oh, what’s the point, Jesse thought. He tilted the bottle high above his head and drained his beer, then slid the empty bottle on his desk. He watched the empty brown bottle rotate on its base for several seconds before increasing in speed, clinking against another empty bottle, and coming to a stop. That’s something you could count on: beer. You knew what you were getting every time, weren’t ever going to be let down. He reached into the mini refrigerator for another.
“See what you women are capable of doing,” Todd said while looking at Meredith.
“Us women? What are you talking about?” Her voice raised an octave as she punched him lightly, jokingly.
“You know what I’m talking about.”
Meredith said something to Todd that Jesse couldn’t make out, and the two nuzzled into each other.
God, don’t they know there’s someone right here in the room with them, Jesse thought, and took another swig. But he also felt a pang of jealousy. He wished he had someone to jest with like that, even if it was as lame and sappy as Todd and Meredith.
“Hey,” Todd said as Meredith sat up straight. “You still have the escorts.”
“I can’t believe you do that,” Meredith said. “You actually drive hookers around.”
Jesse smiled. He knew Todd was kidding, but there was some truth to it. He looked forward to driving the escorts, even considered some of them his friends. At least they had a friendly working relationship. The interaction with the opposite sex made him feel engaged, though he knew it was only a cheap thrill. It wasn’t the whole connection he was looking for, but for now it was all he had. It would have to do.
“I think I’m just gonna be a monk. You know, live in a monastery, renounce all desire. Spend all my time reading and contemplating the universe and shit.”
“That’s what girls like,” Todd said. “A guy with no goals and zero ambition.”
“Are you working tonight?” Meredith asked.
Jesse looked at his beer. “I don’t think I’m driving anywhere tonight.”
