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“The funny thing is, I’m only here doing this because I never let myself have the chance to think about what happened before for too long. I spare myself that agonizing time, and instead, I volunteer. I volunteer for as many things as I possibly can, just so I’m not left alone with those thoughts.”
My throat dried up as I listened, deciding that hearing her out was better than floundering and getting frustrated when my explanations weren’t resonating with her. With each word that left her mouth, I found my stomach twisting more and more.
It was hard to hear that I had caused anyone that pain, let alone the girl I had crushed on since we were kids. I never knew my teasing had such an impact on her, but after better understanding it, that guilt only grew within me.
She never deserved that treatment. She was only a child, just as I was. I never knew my words had that monumental of an impact.
Struggling to find a better place to start, I swallowed hard. “How do you have the time to volunteer when you’re a busy journalist?”
She shook her head absently and busied herself, stacking the toys we had already collected. “I don’t have much free time either, but I figure that if I don’t allow myself to dwell on the past, then I hope someone else can get something out of my time.”
Those words seemed to circle my throat, applying just enough pressure to make me regret ever thinking I could get her to like me by calling her names and teasing her. While I didn’t previously think much of it, letting myself think back to that time made me realize how idiotic I had been.
None of it had been necessary, and if I had restrained myself better, then there was a chance our strained connection never would’ve been exactly that.
Maybe then I would’ve found myself on a better path from the start, and then perhaps I would’ve had a chance with her.
It came to my attention that I had never thought much about the past or the kind of impressions I had made. But speaking with Cora opened my eyes completely.
Even if she still hated me, knowing she was a good person who cared about others above herself made the situation even harder to deal with.
I felt terrible for rejecting her that night, especially knowing how much I liked her as a kid. Something in me had always felt tied to her, even if I didn’t know what to do about it.
There was no way for me to know how to get around the wall she put between us. It was a daunting task to try and overcome, but something was intriguing about her still. I was curious about her and why I suddenly cared enough to try and make amends. Regardless of the reason, I wanted to find a way through that wall.
Cora helped me see just how badly I affected her with my pointless ridicule when we were younger, and while I was still cautious, I wanted to prove to her that I wasn’t the same anymore. That I changed.
Chapter 18 - Cora
I wasn’t sure how I was supposed to prepare myself for the meeting, but the time had approached must faster than I anticipated.
The workday had felt like a write-off due to the amount of time I had spent staring at the calendar on my laptop with the word ‘meeting’ typed on that very day. Each time I glanced at it, reminding myself that I only had several hours before I had to meet with Liam’s former boss, my stomach turned.
I didn’t know what was causing me such a strong reaction at the thought of it since I had spent more than enough time interviewing people and getting the scoop wherever I could.
While it shouldn’t have been any different from my usual work, it put me on edge. I didn’t like the dread that manifested within me, but I forced myself to ignore it.
Throughout the day, I promised myself it would be fine. That I only had to meet with them and hear what they had to say. From there, I could decide if it was worth potentially destroying Liam’s career and image.
As the tall trees frosted from the cool air moved by me with every step I took down the street, my confidence shrank. While the path continued toward the outskirts of town, it felt lonelier the farther I traveled. I became more aware of just how alone I was in that moment, and a part of me wished I had someone to accompany me.
But that wasn’t possible. Whether it was out of shame or to keep the information about Liam completely to myself, I didn’t want anyone else to know yet. I wanted the choice to release whatever information I was about to receive on my own time, if ever.
While the idea of getting revenge still lingered in the back of my mind, I couldn’t deny how that uneasiness started to make me question all of it. If it was even worth the effort at all.
Liam burned me twice, and while I wasn’t even close to forgiving him for either, something in me felt he wasn’t out to be malicious.
When we were volunteering the other day, and I got some of my grievances off my chest, he seemed genuinely confused, if not startled, by how everything had weighed me down as a kid. Even now, as an adult.
As much as I didn’t want to admit it to myself, I started to see a better side to him during our time volunteering together. Even if he didn’t seem entirely apologetic for how he had treated me, he seemed to genuinely want to get along. At the very least, stop our bickering.
Regardless of how hard he tried or thought he was trying, I was still resisting him. He couldn’t seem to understand how difficult it was for me to turn the other cheek and forget about how hellish my childhood had been because of him.
I couldn’t just chalk it up to childhood teasing and move on. As much as I wanted to forget about it completely, Liam’s treatment had left a permanent mark on me, and coupled with his callous dismissal of our connection, I was still bothered by it.
Even if I was opening up to him just enough to let him know how awful he had been to me, and even if that spite was dwindling, my curiosity was getting the better of me.
It was less about destroying him and more about discovering his secrets for my own sake. He was incredibly bothered by just the idea of me figuring out how he passed his time in the city, and that was the only influence I needed to keep searching.
