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Prologue
I stare up to the sky, unaware and uncaring of what time of day it is. I’ve been sitting on these steps for what feels like a lifetime.
The rain is pelting hard against my face, now making me unsure if the water dripping down my cheeks is purely rain or a mixture of my tears as well.
My life has just been forever altered by the rejection and fate of the night. The darkness that once only flittered between my heart and soul now consumes me.
She’s fucking gone.
In an instant, the perfect storm of emotions occurred. I witnessed the moment her feelings went from ones of lust to rejection before turning into an unfiltered rage and, finally, desperation. I couldn’t give her what she wanted, and because of that, she’s gone forever.
Hours earlier, as I laid down next to her almost silent heart, I knew there wasn’t any hope that she would live. One reaction gave life to a series of unfortunate events that neither of us can ever take back.
I didn’t save her in time. How can I ever live with myself knowing that I caused a death? Not just any death, hers.
I can feel my heart ripping from my chest as the memory of staring at her lifeless body on the asphalt repeats on a loop in my mind. Sirens and smoke all around us. Nothing but the memory of the night to devour my very existence for eternity.
I don’t know what to do or say.
I shouldn’t have run after speaking to the officers; I wasn’t a suspect to them. If anything, I was a fucking mess the police didn’t want to deal with as they took care of the dying woman on the side of the road.
But I shouldn’t have disappeared, not on her. What kind of man does that make me? Fleeing as soon as possible so no one had to see me as the mess I was.
Truthfully, I didn’t want to have to look him in the eyes at the hospital when he was told that she was gone forever. When the inevitable moment came when he asked me how and why it happened.
He’ll never forgive me. If anything, I’m a man who went back on his word, and the gravest of consequences happened because of it. I’m not a good person, but I can’t fucking stand the idea of what this will do to him.
A life is lost that had so much left to live. Regardless of the mess we were in, she didn’t deserve to die by bleeding out in one of the worst rainstorms I’ve ever experienced.
What am I supposed to do now?
How am I ever going to face the others who will ask me so many questions I can’t give them the answers to? This is a story that I can’t share, not with anyone.
If anyone were to hear the truth of how the night unfolded, it wouldn’t do any good. It would only bring her more harm, him more sadness, and fuck if I don’t deserve to bear the weight of the night after what transpired.
It’s my fault she’s not here anymore. Her body is in a hospital room, and her loved ones are getting confirmation of what I already know to be the truth. There can be no possible argument about it—she’s dead. And I’m responsible for it. I don’t deserve to be face-to-face with those who care about her. I need to disappear.
The rain is still coming down hard on me. I’m sitting up high on a set of steps, resting back on my arms. Embracing the agony the rain is causing me. I need the pain to remember I’m still alive, even though she isn’t.
Letting out a long sigh, I debate my next move. My white dress shirt is practically see-through at this point.
I have to go back and face them all. I can’t be this coward who runs away forever, can I? Facing them is just not something I think I have in me, but what other option do I have? If only there were some way for me to repent without facing everyone.
I hang my head low before running a hand through my hair.
“Fuck.”
My eyes are welling up again.
“Watch that language, my child; you’re in someone else’s home, understood?”
I turn around quickly to face the deep, booming voice I hear behind me.
A man with balding white hair, wearing all black with a pop of white around his neck, is standing at the top of the entranceway to the building.
I just realized where I am. Of course, I came here.
“Sorry,” I whisper before facing forward to return to my self-loathing. I’ve been on a really good roll with it, after all, no reason to stop now.
