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I want to watch her reaction. The moment when she discovers she is free of him. The man she brought into her home and allowed to abuse her daughters is no longer around to supply her drugs and stamp on her dignity.
“Dead?”
Her expression is confused, and she appears sleepy, and Katerina says in disgust, “There were several lines of coke on the side. She’s tripping.”
Mikhail sighs beside me and I say sadly, “It doesn’t surprise me. He always liked her out of it. I expect it was the first thing he arranged when he strolled through that door. She would have been desperate as he had been away for a few days.”
I sigh heavily and walk toward her, saying gently, “Mickey’s dead, mom. He’s not coming back, and we are taking you to the hospital.”
“Dead. I don’t understand. Your father’s dead. Mickey’s alive.”
At the reference to my father I harden my heart. I’m not sure if mom even cried for him. Mickey was in our lives before his ashes were cold and I wondered about that. Did she know him before? What was their story?
“Go with Katerina, mom.” I sound weary and I am. I should go with her. Make sure she’s okay and settle her in, but I don’t want to. It’s hard to even look at her sad, pathetic figure, knowing she is part of me. Part of Reggie and yet she wasn’t strong enough to stand up for us.
I don’t even feel bad as Mikhail nods to Katerina who pulls her sharply away and mom’s voice floats back to me as she says loudly, “I’m just stepping out for a bit Mickey. Don’t worry honey, I won’t be long.”
The door slams behind them and I stare at the place she last stood and test my heart. To be honest, I’m wondering if it’s still there at all because I’m numb to everything.
“Are you okay, baby?” Mikhail says sweetly and I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat.
“Yes. I am. Thank you for asking.”
I drag in a deep breath and, reaching behind me, I remove the diary and stare at it with sadness.
“It’s all in here, Mikhail. Hope turning to despair and then damnation. A life that should have been a good one, that counted for something, is destroyed as the pages turn and hope bleeds through the cracks. It doesn’t make for easy reading, but I hope the answer you seek is written there. Please can you return it when you’ve finished? I may not like what’s inside, but it’s all I’ve got left.”
I hand him the book which he accepts with a concerned frown.
“Is there anything you want to take before we go? Think hard, Lilli, this is the last time you will be here.”
“I need nothing. there is nothing worth taking from this life into the next.”
He nods and casts a derisory glance around the place I once called home.
“It’s nothing like the world you live in, Mikhail.” I sigh and picture his own lavish home.
“It’s better than I expected.”
“In what way?”
“Clean. Tidy and cared for.”
“Because of me.” I shake my head. “I suppose it was the only thing I could do to forget. I used to spend hours scrubbing this place, hoping to eradicate some of the dirt in our lives. Mom wasn’t bothered, and Mickey definitely wasn’t. It became my coping mechanism. Give me a cloth and a spray bottle and I am happy.”
It makes me laugh sadly. “Perhaps that will be my new life. I could clean for a living. It beats lying on my back and tossing my soul out onto the internet.”
I’m surprised when he spins me around and grips my face in his hands and the ferocious gleam in his eyes is strangely comforting as he hisses, “You will have a purpose in your life. You won’t have to clean away dirt to make it count for something.”
“How can you be so sure, Mikhail? I must start again, and nobody knows where life will take us. I will do anything to be independent and make my own way because I am all I’ve got now.”
“You have me.” His voice is rough but his touch gentle as he stares into my eyes with an unreadable expression.
“You?” I smile. “Only for as long as you want me around.”
He makes to speak, and I shake my head. “It’s okay. I understand what this is. Don’t feel as if you must make promises you don’t mean, Mikhail. We have a few weeks to test what this is and there will be no hard feelings if you decide it’s game over. I won’t make a fuss. Maybe just help me out with a bus ticket and some money until I can get a job. I don’t want much, I never have.”
“Except that date you were yearning for.” He whispers, the light sparkling in his unusual gray eyes.
