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Sincerely,
I found love in Philly, you can too!
After much deliberation, I conclude that I can’t spend the rest of my life in my bed, tempting though it may be. Sure, I vomited all over my best friend’s gorgeous brother, and my love life is looking more and more dismal by the minute, but neither of those problems can be solved by demolishing a tub of ice cream while watching Law and Order reruns. I know this because I already tried. Just to be sure, I tried it twice.
So, it’s on to Plan B, then. A quick text is all it takes to get Millie on my doorstep, dressed for comfort, per my instructions. No long-winded explanation is necessary. She’s ready to help me with whatever I need. I might feel the teensiest bit of guilt at taking advantage of her trust, but I brush it off quickly. I need to crack down on my plan, and Millie won’t mind helping me out. “Alright, let’s go, Mil. We have an appointment to get to.” A glance at my wristwatch shows we will be late if we don’t leave right now. Dragging Millie’s hand, I pull her toward the door.
“Wait… where are we going?” Millie asks.
“You’ll see,” is my flippant reply as we jump in my royal blue mini cooper, affectionately named Coop, and start driving. I love my little neighborhood. It’s cute and quaint with rows of townhouses lining the street on both sides. The sidewalks are dotted with wrought iron benches and pretty greenery. I’m tucked away from all the hustle and bustle of the city back here, but I’m also just a few blocks away from the best coffee shop around. Not to mention, Cecil’s favorite dog park is walking distance from here. I moved here because it gives me the best of both worlds, and three years later, I still love it.
I’m quiet on the drive. Millie’s been badgering me for answers the entire time and I don’t trust myself not to give something away. But twenty minutes later, we finally pull up outside Willow Salon & Spa.
“Ooh, a spa day! Why didn’t you say so earlier?” Millie jumps excitedly out of the car and waits for me to walk around to her side. “Why this one, though? There’s a spa like three minutes from your house?” She scrunches her nose up in confusion as I reach her side and loop our arms together. It looks like a friendly gesture, but it’s more so Millie doesn’t run away when she finds out what I’m up to.
“Oh, because I don’t want someone I know seeing my lady bits.”
Millie nods mutely like that made sense, but I can tell the exact moment my words register. Millie jerks me to a stop in front of the glass doors. Eyes wide and voice strained, she asks, “Lady bits?”
I smile and nod like this is a completely normal occurrence for us. “Yeah. We’ve got the full-service spa package scheduled. My treat. Massages, facials, and bikini waxes.”
“We?” Her voice is rising now, and I wince a bit at it. She is even less happy about this than I thought she would be.
“Yes. I don’t want to go by myself. I need some confidence boosting. This whole process hasn’t gone so smoothly thus far, but I want to look and feel my best.” Reasonable. I try to sound as reasonable as I can manage. Like it’s totally normal to ambush your bestie with a bikini wax appointment for the sake of your search for love.
Millie nods hesitantly, her blonde ponytail swishing with the movement. “Okay. Fine. But why did you book me an appointment also? Because I can assure you that Todd doesn’t mind me all natural down there.” She gestures with her hand just in case I wasn’t picking up what she was putting down.
Sighing as if Millie is the one being unreasonable here, I say, “Oh, come on, Millie. I need moral support here. I didn’t want to go by myself. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with trying something new. Maybe Todd will love the new look.” Widening my eyes into the pleading look I have long since perfected, I eye Millie silently. Her hard and fast stance sways under the weight of my patented puppy-dog look before finally crumbling completely as she nods her head in defeat.
“Fine, but you’re really going to owe me after this one.” I barely refrain from jumping for joy.
“You’re the best, babe. And like I said, I’ll pay. All you have to do is sit back and relax.” I pretend not to see Millie’s eye roll as I turn to drag her into the salon before she can change her mind.
“I hate you.” Millie’s deadpan voice comes from the other end of the couch, but neither of us moves to face the other. We somehow managed to make it back to my house with the assistance of some strategically placed ice packs but collapsed on the couch almost as soon as we made it inside. I dug out two of the loosest pairs of pants I can find in my dresser, and we slouched back on the couch, our legs spread as wide as we could manage as we prayed fervently for some relief. Even Cecil is giving us a wide berth, lying on his doggy bed in the corner of the room eyeing us warily. Any other time, he would have exuberantly greeted us at the door and pushed us out of his way until his furry butt could squeeze between us on the couch, the perfect position for ample puppy loving, but not today.
“I hate myself too. Why was there no mention of how badly a bikini wax hurt? All the women in the brochure were smiling, happy, confident. Meanwhile, I feel like I was in a traumatic accident where I was flung from the vehicle and landed vagina-first on the pavement. This is what genital road rash feels like and I paid for the privilege. Seems a lot like false advertising to me. We should sue!” I’m whining. I’m well aware of that fact, but I can’t help it. This did not go according to plan. At all. Millie giggles a bit at that. I’m glad she can find humor in this situation because I’m traumatized.
Somehow, even after all we’ve been through today, Millie still looks beautiful. Oh, sure, her blonde hair started to escape her ponytail, but somehow the wispy strands framing her face just add to her perfect features. Her eyes shine with laughter and her normally pale cheeks are flushed with humor as her smile lights up the room around her. Meanwhile, I probably look like a troll after the day’s escapades. Just then, Millie’s eyes widen, and she puts a hand over her face as if she’s just remembering something serious. Before I can ask about the change in her countenance, she looks into my eyes imploringly and asks in the most serious tone she’s used all evening, “Oh, God. I forgot to ask. How long do you think it will be before she’s… operational again?”
Just the thought of anything sexual right now has me curling my lips in disgust. “Shoot. I didn’t ask. It really didn’t seem like it would be a big deal. I mean women do this all the time, right?” I turn my head to look at Millie, my eyes wide with disbelief at the fact that women would voluntarily do this more than once. “I don’t get it. This is a horrendous beauty trend that should have died out ages ago. How is this going to help me find my prince if it’s rendered my snatch out of service?”
“Your what?” Millie sits up, a disbelieving smile adorning her beautiful face.
Rolling my eyes at her, I say, “You know what I’m talking about. I don’t like the word vagina, so I’m testing out some alternatives. Seriously, it’s such a blunt, unattractive word--” I don’t get to finish my train of thought as Millie’s laugh drowns me out. She laughs so hard I can see tears forming in the corners of her eyes as she leans forward clutching her stomach. Giving her the most irritated look, I can muster under the current circumstances, I say, “ha. Ha. Ha. You laugh now, but really think about it. Vagina is like the least-sexy word in the English language.”
“Oh…my sweet…sweet Charley. You’re about to be thirty years old. You can call it a vagina.” Millie is still giggling between her words like this is the funniest thing she has ever heard, and I’m starting to get annoyed with my best friend. Finally, she pulls herself together, the giggles stopping, but her wide smile stays in place as she gingerly sits up to look at me. “I love you so much, but sometimes I wonder about what goes through your head.”
“I need you to focus, Mil.” I brush her off, gesturing toward my desolate love board. “I’m getting desperate, here. I have nine months left and I’m no closer than I was last month. And after the last hundred creeps, I’m terrified of online dating altogether. So, it’s your solemn duty as my best friend to set me up with some of Todd’s single friends.”
Millie’s smile dims a bit at that. “Charley, you know I’m not a great matchmaker. I’m not even sure Todd has any close friends anymore, honestly.” My face falls as another plan bites the dust before it was even able to get off the ground, but Millie rushes to reassure me. “But I can ask. Maybe one of his old friends from college is single.”
It doesn’t sound promising, but at this point, I’ll take whatever I can get. Nodding, I say, “I need a backup plan. And I need something quick, because I’m not going through another bikini wax.”
“Hmm. Maybe you can get a hobby? Like joining a book club! Or getting a gym membership? My cousin met his second wife at the gym!” I can feel some of Millie’s excitement rubbing off on me. It isn’t the worst idea I’d ever heard. And, let’s face it, I’m not going to meet anyone stuck in my house all the time.
“Yes. Yes, that could totally work.” The idea of working out doesn’t appeal to me much, but that isn’t really the point. I just need to get myself out there so my prince can find me. “I could buy some cute yoga pants and join a class. What do you think… a kickboxing class? Or yoga? Kickboxing sounds more masculine, but I’ve seen a lot of very fit men in yoga classes…” My voice trails off as I mentally plot my next course of action.
“I think definitely kickboxing. Ooh, should I join you? I’ve always wanted to learn! Or maybe we could take a self-defense course? They generally have sexy instructors. You could ask for private lessons.”
