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But when he sweeps in and fuses their mouths together, when Atlas’ melts like chocolate over an open flame, it feels like my chest is caving in. Like I can’t breathe. Like I don’t want to.
“I have plans for you, Huxley,” Blair mutters, and I turn away when he swoops back in for another kiss.
The brownie sitting neatly on a little folded paper towel on a tiny ceramic plate feels like a lie. A piece of my past masquerading as my present so I won’t notice that the world around me has shattered away and patched up into a funhouse mirror version of itself.
I want to stuff my face with mushy goodness and chase it down with a bottle of whiskey. Numb it up and shove it down because I shouldn’t resent my brother, and I shouldn’t hate my best friend for being in love.
“Shiloh?” Blair’s voice is strained—surprised but not. I’ve seen the frustration at the fact I’ve hardly left Atlas’ side in days except for classes and sleep, but I need my best friend.
The funkiness in my brain from sharing a room with Corvin is blurring the lines I set for myself. If I have to choose between my unrequited feelings for Atty and the unwanted desire for the man I’m living with, I’ll choose Atty every time.
My body, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to be in support of that decision.
“Shiloh,” Blair repeats my name on a heavy sigh.
Just give me this, I want to tell him. Give me a little longer.
“Blair.” I copy his tone and rest my head on the back of the ugly orange couch.
He’s frustrated with me, and he’s trying not to be because I’ve been good. Well behaved. I’m not doing anything to hurt myself or anyone else so he wants to be supportive. But the way he’s looking at me right now is how every big brother in every coming of age movie looks at their little brother.
Like a pest.
“Don’t you get enough of him at home? Now that I’m not there.”
Once upon a time, Blair would have rolled his eyes and laughed at my flat joke, but now his expression is just tired. Exhausted. Like he’s had his fill of me even though I’ve been avoiding him since I got back.
When I look at Atty because I can’t stand seeing the heartbreak I’ve caused my brother anymore, I’m met with a soft, apologetic smile and a warm hand carding through my hair.
“We’ve got long standing plans, bud. I’ll see you on Sunday, though. The usual.”
Ah, yes. The ‘usual’ workout torture session where he’ll spend half the time being self conscious about how much of his skin is visible and every little touch between us. Because he can’t knock the fear that I’m going to read into everything he does. Because he wants to be considerate.
Atlas could scrub his hands over every inch of my body, and I wouldn’t for a single second think it means anything more than a lifetime of friendship.
Because touch is how he shows he cares, and there’s only ever been one person in the whole planet that he’s wanted a deeper kind of intimacy with.
Blair.
I wave him off and stand, shoving my hands in my hoodie pocket.
“You don’t have to worry about telling me you have a date. I’m happy for the two of you. I’m shit at showing it, and sure it hurts a little…” I wince, not meaning to let that last bit slip out.
Before I can cover, Blair sighs so loud I feel it in my own lungs. “Stop it,” he says softly, eyes pleading the magnitude of the words. “It isn’t fair to me or Atlas.”
I clench my fists in my pocket, biting down on my cheek to temper the urge to shout that I haven’t done anything. Rehab taught me that rigorous honesty is a huge step in recovery, in staying sober, and hiding this shit is what broke us all apart in the first place.
“I still have feelings, Blair. I’m sorry if you don’t want to hear them.”
“We’ve heard them. You won’t let us forget them.”
“What, so it’s a one and done? Get it off my chest then bottle it back up?”
“That’s not what I meant—”
“Sounds like it!” The shout burns like a poison in my throat.
For a moment, Blair’s eyes just seem lost, like for a brief second we might be on the same page, but then he closes them, and I know when his shoulders slump it’s not because he understands—it’s because he’s given up.
