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“Gray,” I said solemnly. Sensing the shift in mood, the gravity in my expression, Gray straightened to give me his full attention. As if he could read my mind or simply sense my apprehension, he placed his palm over my clenched fist. Enveloped in his warmth, I instantly relaxed. Gray’s presence acted as my own special drug, simultaneously calming and erasing any inhibitions or reservations I held.
Taking a deep breath before continuing, I savored his spiced cinnamon and musk scent, feeling more vulnerable than ever before. A feeling that I was far from comfortable with. “As you’re aware, I’m not much of a people person. I keep everyone at arm’s length. I know you’ve hinted that you want something romantic between us, but I need you to understand what that would mean for me and what I would need from you.”
“I’ve done more than hint Colt. I want to be with you, and I’m willing to do anything in my power to be the person you need me to be.” Gray intertwined our fingers, meeting my gaze with those captivating blue eyes that pierced through my soul. The sincerity in his statement left me speechless. How could he make such a promise without even knowing what I wanted? Because for most people our age, my revelation would likely be a deal-breaker.
“Well, then it might not be that much of a surprise to you that I don’t have any romantic experience. I’ve never been intimate with anyone.” Gray’s face remained unchanged, confirming that he had suspected as much. “I haven’t even kissed anyone.” This time, a small smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.
“And I don’t want to kiss anyone,” I declared.
12. “Kiss Me”
Colton
“Oh, so you’re ace?” Gray responded without a flicker of surprise at my revelation. He asked the question so calmly, so casually that initially I was left questioning whether he had truly registered my words. But his follow-up made it abundantly clear that he not only comprehended my disclosure but also understood the nuances I hadn’t explicitly conveyed—even if it wasn’t entirely accurate.It sparked a fleeting suspicion this might be revenge for my earlier prank. Except, I knew Gray operated on a level of integrity that meant he would never exploit such a vulnerable moment, no matter the circumstances.
Still, the notion struck me as utterly implausible—that Gray, of all people, would willingly embrace a relationship devoid of physical intimacy? It bordered on absurd. I had never encountered someone who reveled in tactile connection as fervently as he did. If rumors were to be believed, Gray really enjoyed sex. With men, women, it didn’t matter. To surrender such pleasures willingly? Especially for someone like me, who had less than nothing to offer him.
Confirming or dispelling his assumptions felt like traversing a treacherous terrain, one where every step carried the weight of potential complications. Nonetheless, an insatiable curiosity urged me to delve further into his view on the topic before I showed him all my cards.
“And if I was? Is that a problem for you?” I asked.
“Well, obviously I’d have questions. I know I may not come across as the brightest guy out there but I do know that a label doesn’t tell you everything important about a person and what they want. I also know that being asexual can be a broader spectrum than most people realize.” He shifted, a subtle maneuver to get comfortable, all the while maintaining an unyielding gaze that seemed to penetrate the depths of my own eyes.
“But no, I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep telling you as many times as you need until you truly hear what I’m saying. I have feelings for you, Colt. You. Not some idealized version of you. I pay attention to you and from what I’ve seen, you’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. I’m falling for your mind, your wit, your strength, your breathtaking talent. As beautiful as you are Colt, your body is the least interesting thing about you.”
A prickle of tears stung the backs of my closed eyelids. Gray, with his uncanny ability to find the perfect words, effortlessly eased anxieties I hadn’t even been aware were holding me back. In that instant, certainty washed over me; Gray would always accept me for who I am. He would understand the reasons for waiting, reasons that, until now, I had carried with a sense of shame.
“I’m not asexual. At least, not in the way most people probably think of it. I’m not unwilling to be intimate. Wait, no… It’s not that I lack attraction,” I backtracked, grappling with how to convey the nuances of my emotions to him, when I still wasn’t one hundred percent certain of them myself.
A gentle squeeze on my hand redirected my focus back to Gray. He had grasped my hand, a gesture of solidarity mirroring the support I had offered him back in the cafeteria. “Hey, breathe. You don’t need to neatly categorize your sexuality just for my sake. And whatever you share with me now isn’t set in stone. You’re allowed to grow and evolve and change your mind. I won’t judge you for it, okay?”
Inhaling deeply, as Gray had advised, a sense of calm began to settle over me. “I can feel attraction, but those instances could be summed up on one hand. I do feel attracted to you, Gray. The truth is, and it might sound a bit absurd, but my hesitation revolves more around what unfolds afterward. As much as I like to pretend I don’t need anyone, it’s actually the opposite. I get attached way too quickly, and it kills me when that connection is broken. I learned that lesson the hard way.” Pausing, I had to swallow against the lump in my throat prompted by the vulnerability of my admission.
“The first few foster families I was placed with, I threw myself all in thinking I had a new family that was going to love me unconditionally. Thinking I’d finally have a mom or dad who’d genuinely care. Then, inevitably, I’d have to leave for one reason or another. Each time I cracked a little more. Pretty quickly I learned to stop opening myself up and allowing someone to have that kind of power to hurt me.”
Feeling the warmth of Gray’s palm grazing my shoulder, I startled slightly. So focused on sharing my story, I hadn’t noticed him inching closer until our bodies were almost touching, and I could sense the heat emanating from him. Wordlessly, he began rubbing soothing circles on my back.
I felt grateful for the space Gray afforded me, allowing me to unravel my emotions without interruption. His gentle, non-verbal encouragement bolstered my resolve enough to continue.
“I don’t even know why, but I have a very romanticized view of sex. God knows I’ve had all the examples in the world that it is anything but that. I don’t know. Maybe that’s why I hold on to the hope that if I can find someone who thinks that way as well, maybe my life will also turn out differently than I’ve always seen it. Anyway, it doesn't matter. When I say it out loud, it sounds stupid.”
Gray tenderly lifted my chin, guiding my eyes to meet his. “It matters, and it’s far from stupid. Your desire to wait for the right person is a beautiful choice. Just because something isn’t the norm anymore doesn’t diminish its worth.”
An audible groan escaped me, and I succumbed to the urge to cover my face with my hands. Ugh. Might as well lay bare all the embarrassing fantasies swirling in my head in one fell swoop. “In my head, I like to pretend that I’m in a fairytale and that I’m waiting for my Prince Charming to come and save me,” I informed him, my voice muffled by the barrier of my palms.
Gray’s soft chuckle caught me off guard, causing my head to snap up in alarm. The warmth of his sweet smile instantly eased my nerves. He was undeniably laughing with me, not at me, as I'd feared.
“I don’t know if you’ve picked up on it, Princess, but I happen to be addicted to ridiculously cheesy romance novels. Our place is practically a shrine to them, and I’ve got them queued up as audiobooks for my morning runs. I’m all for the fairytale romance. But I want to make one thing crystal clear. You certainly don’t need saving. You aren’t the damsel in distress. You’re the valiant hero who kicks ass and decides if anyone in the kingdom is worthy of sharing your presence. Don’t ever sell yourself short.”
My cheeks flushed with warmth, a now familiar reaction to Gray’s words that never failed to tug at the hopeless romantic buried within me. While some might gag at such a saccharine sweet declaration, I reveled in it. I loved how Gray seemed to understand me on a fundamental level that felt almost too good to be true. He comprehended not just my hopes and dreams, but also the insecurities waging war within my psyche.
“So, you’re okay with taking our relationship at a slower pace?” I asked, attempting to temper the hope in my voice. Part of me yearned to lean in and kiss him right then, but I suppressed the impulse. I needed to ascertain whether he’d be comfortable with not progressing beyond that point for the foreseeable future.
“Princess, I’ll wait as long as you need. If it takes five years before you to feel comfortable kissing me, I’ll still be here. Being around you these last few months has made me happier than I ever thought possible. I light up in your presence. So, we’ll go at your pace. I won’t push. You’ll take the lead on anything physical. Just one condition.”
I raised an eyebrow. “And what condition would that be?”
Gray grinned with that signature goofiness.“I still reserve the right to my cuddling privileges.”
