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Yep, it was definitely no coincidence Willy had kept hold of my phone. I knew all too well the kind of speculating headlines and commentary that would be saturating the internet at this very moment, and I had no desire to subject myself to it.
A knot of worry the size of Texas formed in my gut as I pictured the media tracing everything back to Gray. I could vividly imagine the reporters and Colt Ray stans stationed outside his hospital room, hungry for any tidbit of information. And then there was Violet, just a child, who at any moment could be unfairly thrust into the harsh glare of the spotlight without her consent. They didn’t deserve to have their lives dissected by strangers because of me.
With a sense of urgency, I scrambled out of bed, unable to bear the weight of inaction any longer. I needed to find Willy and my phone, to plan…something. I wasn’t sure what yet, but at the very least they’d need security for the immediate future. I’d ask Santi to devise a more comprehensive plan once we addressed that. I also needed to call my legal team and have them start digging into Carl’s actions carried out in my name.
My thoughts swirled chaotically, half-formed ideas flitting in and out of my mind so rapidly that a sudden thud jolted me out of my reverie. I looked up, locking eyes with the person I had just collided with, and did a double take.
“Dr. Vangari?”
“Hello dear,” she greeted me warmly, giving my shoulder a reassuring pat. “It sounds like you’ve been through quite a lot these past few days?”
“How…?” I trailed off, still sounding dazed.
Willy chose that moment to poke his head in from the kitchen. “Oh, good, you’re awake.” He sounded far too chipper given the circumstances.
“What…what’s happening?” I struggled to piece things together, still groggy from the pills and failing to comprehend why my psychologist was suddenly in my living room.
“Right,” Willy interjected, snapping his fingers like that would jog my memory. “Sorry, I did mention it last night, but I guess you were kind of out of it before I put you to bed. I called Ilene for you and explained the crisis on our hands. I’m great at listening, but this is way beyond my pay grade. So, she’s cleared her schedule for the entire day to be here for you.”
Ilene turned to me, offering that familiar reassuring look that always managed to calm my nerves a little. The look that said she had everything under control, and all I needed to do was listen to her.
“No pressure, Colton,” she assured me. “Willy just thought it might be helpful for you to have someone to talk to, to help you sort out your feelings surrounding the events of the last few days. You know how difficult it can be to process everything, without also worrying that you might not have the appropriate tools to process your feelings.”
Her words didn’t exactly instill a sense of comfort. In fact, it sounded like a fucking nightmare, dredging up the raw memories of Gray’s scarred flesh. But deep down, I knew it was what I needed right now before I spiraled into a full-blown breakdown.
“O-Okay,” I said hesitantly. “But first, I have to make sure Gray and Violet are safe. I need to orga–”
“It’s already taken care of,” Willy cut me off. “Relax, Colt. I’ve been by your side long enough to know the drill. I’ve chatted to Santiago, and he’s already sent a group of his best guys out there. Gray and Violet will have a twenty-four-seven but discreet security detail, both at the hospital and at their house. I’ve also been in touch with Remy, and he’ll keep us updated if any journalists start sniffing around. But I don’t want you to worry about that right now. Just trust me, I’ve got it under control.”
Briefly, I wondered when Willy had gotten Remy’s number, but I pushed that thought down, figuring it to be the least pressing concern I had. Instead, I did wonder where the fuck Carl was, because handling situations like this was in his job description, not Willy’s. Although, I also felt some relief knowing Willy was taking charge. Dealing with Carl was the last thing I had the energy for today.
After Willy excused himself to give me some privacy, I settled into my favorite plush armchair with Dr. Vangari sitting opposite me. Given her thorough knowledge of my history with Gray—he dominated at least ninety percent of our sessions—I dove straight into recounting the events of the past few days.
“Can I just say, before anything else, that I am immensely proud of you, Colton,” she praised, her lightly accented voice filled with genuine admiration. “I know it may not feel like you’re coping right now, but I can see how you’ve really taken on board all the strategies we’ve been working on. The Colton I knew even six months ago wouldn’t have been able to prioritize his mental health enough to walk away from that situation. You would have stayed, even if you broke in the process. You’ve really come a long way.”
“I don’t think leaving was the right decision. It doesn’t feel like something to be proud of. How does leaving make me anything other than self-centered?” The guilt gnawed at my frayed edges. I felt wrong, like I’d abandoned the best part of myself in a hospital bed to potentially be preyed upon by vultures.
Ilene responded with the gentle smile of hers that might have seemed patronizing on anyone else. “Let me ask you this—what help could you have offered Grayson if you were stuck in a bathroom having a panic attack?”
“That’s not fair. I would have pulled myself together if I knew he wanted me there,” I said defensively.
“Colton, that wasn’t an attack,” she clarified. “Of course you would have “pulled yourself together” as you say. I’m just trying to get help you to see that leaving was how you managed to do just that.”
Shifting uncomfortably in my seat, I couldn’t ignore the growl of my stomach as the scent of bacon wafted in from the kitchen where Willy was currently preparing breakfast. I felt antsy, frustrated by the unspoken rules of therapy that prevented Ilene from simply telling me what to do with my life.
With a sigh, I pleaded, “Can’t you just say what you mean for once?”
“Fine. Stop acting as if you’ve made a permanent decision. You have the option to fly back to be with Grayson whenever you want. But I believe doing it on your own terms is what needs to happen. You left a way for him to contact you if there’s a change in his condition, so stop acting like you’ve left him to completely fend for himself,” Ilene chastised, and I felt like a child being scolded.
Don’t hold back Ilene, tell me how you really feel.
“It’s clear how much you still love Grayson,” she continued, her earlier hard edge softening out once more with understanding. “We’ve discussed at length how you fantasize about what you would do if you ever reunited with him. I think it would be beneficial for you to have a proper conversation with him, even if it’s just to give you real closure. A significant part of your inability to move on stems from the unanswered questions you have for him. But, yesterday wasn’t the right time for that. Both of you were too fragile and vulnerable.” Her warm brown eyes locked onto mine, and for a fleeting moment, she reminded me of Brenda.
“So you’re suggesting I go back there? But you just said I did the right thing coming home!” I exclaimed, frustration causing moisture to pool behind my eyelids.
“I’m not telling you to do anything Colton,” she chided gently. “What I’m saying is, you did the right thing by recognizing the difficulty of the situation you were in. You were being forced to confront a traumatic event from your past without warning or time to prepare, and yet you were strong enough to put yourself first and take a step back. By doing so, now you’ve given yourself the time to think through your options without any external pressure influencing your decisions. You can decide if you want to finally address your unresolved issues with Grayson, or if you have decided it’s time to move on for good.”
32. “Amnesia”
