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I twiddle my fingers under the water, not really sure where to go from here. But, thankfully, Micah steps in and saves me.
“What’s happening with Atticus?” he asks.
I shake my head and get more comfortable now facing Micah. He frowns and tugs my feet into his lap and starts massaging one of them. It’s almost as if he needs the contact between us.
“I don’t know,” I say. “Did he seem off to you, too?” Micah nods.
“I heard Devoss,” I say, and Micah now frowns. “Well, I read the message in the group chat about how he was upset about how it was Orson that got to check on me.”
“I don’t think he was upset,” Micah starts, but I shake my head, and he stops talking.
“No, he was. I heard it very clearly even though it was just a text. Do you know about Orson’s sister?” I ask. Micah nods, biting his lip in a move that should not be sexy since we’re talking about some heavy feelings, but my wolf doesn’t agree. No, she’s panting in my mind, fully aware our mate is naked here with us. Shit. I can feel myself getting warmer, a heat that has nothing to do with the bath, and when I shift, I smell my own arousal. Micah’s eyes darken, likely scenting it too, so I quickly go back to the topic we were talking about.
No way can I keep this level of arousal when we’re talking about death.
“I think I was so worried about Orson’s reaction,” I say, and Micah’s dazed look makes me realise I’m not the only one affected. “Like, when I realised I wasn’t dead, that I was never going to die, I knew Orson was going to be the one that was really upset with me.”
Micah’s brows pull into a frown, and he scrunches up his nose. It’s as if the thought of Orson being mad at me just doesn’t comprehend in his brain. I understand that, I do. Orson treats me like I’m something precious, like I’m delicate, and he protects me from the anger of the others.
But that doesn’t mean he’s never going to get mad at me.
“The other day, he came in as I was showering, and he asked me if I was going to kill myself, and I told him no. I don’t know if I promised, I can’t remember. It was a really big haze of darkness,” I say, shrugging my shoulders in shame. Because how can I sit here and be like, oh yeah, I don’t remember what happened even just a week ago.
But Micah’s not judging me. He’s thoughtful and listening.
“So, in my head, I was more worried about facing him, and I think that’s the only reason that when he came to my side, and he was there, that my wolf reacted and pushed me to the forefront. We thought he’d be mad, that he’d leave like everyone else does… but he was there, and he wanted to help. I latched onto that, wanting him to comfort me because I’m selfish.”
“You are not selfish,” Micah snaps before taking a deep, calming breath. “Nobody is upset that you relied on Orson, Nora. Not even Devoss.”
“I think Atticus might be,” I say because that’s the only thing that makes sense to me. “I think he’s blaming himself for me trying to kill myself.”
“That’s stupid,” Micah snaps, the calming breath he just took clearly not working.
“It is,” I say, sitting back in the water. I bite my lip, the hot water now covering my shoulders, and everything just seems to click into place.
Atticus is the one who brought me my note from David and got me the invite to the ceremony in the first place. He’s the one who stopped Micah from following after me when I needed space.
He’s the one who got me into therapy in the first place—the place I got the tablets from.
I think in his mind—in his lion’s mind—he failed has mate, and he’s the reason I tried to kill myself.
Even if that’s not true.
Not even in the slightest.
“This was something that really hurt me,” Micah says quietly. “But not once have I blamed myself. I don’t think that’s fair from any of us. Not really.”
“What do you mean by that?” I ask.
“Regardless of us being your mates, we don’t get to dictate how you live your life,” Micah says. “You’ve tried to hurt yourself and that’s devastating, of course, it is.”
I bite my lip hard enough to draw blood, using the pain to keep myself present for this conversation because I want to hear about how he’s feeling. Even if it hurts.
“It absolutely gutted me, hearing those howls, walking out there, seeing you… fuck, Nora.” He meets my eyes, shaking his head at the sorrow he sees. “I could live for the rest of my life never hearing that sound again, and it would still be too soon. It was horrible and gut wrenching, and my tiger is still terrified to let you out of our sight.”
I blink. That’s it. I don’t try and move away. I don’t avoid eye contact. I don’t even block my ears and scream ‘la la la’ at the top of my lungs like I want to.
I sit there and take in what Micah says. He sat and listened to me, and now it’s his turn.
