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I nod, so I don’t have to admit it with words. Cillian’s social media was a huge point of contention between us, because of Trina. Because it clued me in to what was happening when I wasn’t around. While I still follow his career, I quit following his personal life a long, long time ago. For all I know, they’re still an item.
“She’s not even that pretty,” Kit says. It’s a lie; of course she’s pretty. But I love Kit for saying it.
“It’s hard to resist a woman throwing herself at you when your girlfriend is across the country, I guess.”
“He kept posts up with you in them too. Shit, you look so young,” she muses. “How do you think he’s going to react to Sadie?”
“I don’t know,” I answer Kit. “She’s so damned loveable. I can’t imagine anyone not wanting to be part of her life once they’ve met her. But it’s been five years, so maybe he’ll just be indifferent.”
“Assuming he remembers you telling him,” Willa says. It’s something we’ve discussed more than once. The possibility that Cillian was more out of it than I thought. Or more than I wanted to admit to myself.
“If that’s the case, he’ll be shocked and furious. It would explain some things, anyway.”
“Why?”
“If he knew, I can’t imagine he’d have hidden it from Erin. She’s going to hate me, too.”
“Is that Cillian’s mom?”
“Yes. I think she would have found a way to get ahold of me, if she knew.”
“Didn’t you block her, too?”
“Not at first. Not until after shit got bad.”
“You were in a shitty situation. She has to understand,” Kit says. Willa stays quiet though. She sees the joy Sadie brings my parents; she knows what I’ve deprived Erin of. I’ve always felt guilty that I haven’t allowed her the knowledge of her granddaughter. “I can’t imagine she’ll hate you. Who could?”
“It’s like you don’t know me at all.”
“I know all the parts that matter,” she says. “Are you nervous?”
“Fuck yes.”
“About how he’s going to react to Sadie or to you?” Willa knows what my answer will be but poses the question regardless.
“Both. You can get mad at me all you want, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’m not the perfect size four I was back then. While I don’t want his cheating ass back, I’d still like to be appealing.”
I’m in good shape. I’ve worked hard to drop most of the weight I gained while pregnant. Especially this past year, with the help of Zander. He’s a defenseman for the Timberwolves and as soon as Dad brought him around the first time, we hit it off. He’s a great friend, my best. Though, he’s four years younger than me. He’s mature for his age, more responsible than most guys I know. And he adores my kid.
Zander comes from a large family, spending time with me-knowing that it will almost always include Sadie-didn’t phase him at all.
If the man was straight, he’d be a dream boyfriend. There was never interest in that department, not even before I knew he liked sex with both men and women, but mostly men. It wasn’t something he came forward with right away. The hockey world isn’t the most accepting, unfortunately. Zan took a few months before trusting me with it, and even then, he only dropped small hints until I finally confronted him with it in a cautious way. It was important that he felt safe with me.
“You want to see that fire in his eyes just so you can be the one to extinguish it,” Kit says.
“That part,” I say, pointing to our friend, then continuing to dig through the candy bag for anything that looks appetizing.
“What if he does want you back?” Willa hedges.
“Fuck. That. Man,” Kit repeats.
“That part,” I say with conviction. “Fuck Cillian Wylder, and not in the good way.”
* * *
Tuesday comes before I’m ready.
“I think we’re ready for tomorrow. What about you?” Katherine asks. She’s my new coworker, and so far, seems laid-back. Her sense of humor is great, too, so I’m hopeful we’ll make a good team.
