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CILLIAN
It’s late and I’m exhausted from the drive by the time I pull up to Isla’s building. I’ve driven for thirty-six of the last forty-eight hours. Stupid? Yes. Necessary? Also, yes. Because something changed in the last two days but I’m blind as to what.
Isla was her typical self when I spoke to her the other night when I’d stopped off near Cleveland to get some sleep. Meaning she still had her guard up but was at least talking to me. When I called yesterday, she didn’t spare me two words before passing me off to Sadie. The same thing happened today. She won’t even respond to my text messages.
I’ve gone over everything I said to her, and none of it should have caused her to retreat to the ‘pretend Cillian doesn’t exist’ stage.
It fucking pisses me off. An emotion I’m becoming all too familiar with these days.
So, I don’t give a shit that it’s after nine at night when I knock on her door. We’re not playing whatever hide and seek bullshit game she’s got going on. If there’s a problem, we’ll deal with head-on and right away. I’ve learned that lesson the hard fucking way.
When Trina and I got closer, I could have, no, should have, manned up and broke things off with Isla before the situation festered into what it became. Maybe then she wouldn’t have felt as blindsided and completely cut me off. Maybe then she would have felt like she could have told me about the pregnancy.
Better yet, I shouldn’t have fucked around with Trina in the first place. Heeding Isla’s warnings about her would have been the smartest move, but I wasn’t a smart guy. I was a lonely dumbass. We all agree there. That’s not who I am anymore and I’m not losing another second with my family because of whatever is going on in Isla’s head right now.
At first, Trina was just a friend. Something I didn’t have in Boston. Coming from the closeness the Coles have, and all the support they gave me, it was hard to be there and alone. I clung to the attention Trina offered, thinking it came from a genuine place. She wanted to help me with the adjustments that you make as a professional player. Or so I thought. In the beginning, she would ask me about Isla regularly, making me think she wanted to get to know her, too. I didn’t pick up on the subtle changes as time went by. What was supportive became something that I can recognize now as more manipulative.
What a hard pill that is to swallow, that I was taken by a woman with ulterior motives and my dick ate it up because my brain had shriveled up to nothing. That day in the gym, the one that I stupidly posted pictures of… it was the beginning of the end.
Trina had offered to meet me and take some photos and video while I trained. It seemed harmless. I didn’t think about the fact that she could only make it late in the day when most everyone else would be gone from the team’s training facility. I didn’t even think it was odd that she showed up in barely-there workout gear, figuring she’d get a workout in, too.
In between taking shots of me, she would strategically use equipment in my line of sight. I recognize it now. Back then, I thought it was just an unfortunate coincidence for my young libido. She noticed when I started to get hard, because she kept looking and darting her eyes away. Which only made it worse for me to control myself.
I should have distanced myself then, like I told Isla I would. What a rookie fucking move. One that cost me way too much.
A few days later, she came by the apartment with dinner for Tor and me. She kissed me goodbye when she left that night. I gently pushed away and reminded her I had a girlfriend I loved. That didn’t stop me from inviting her back. It didn’t stop me from allowing her the opportunity to kiss me again. The second time I kissed her back, it was the greatest mistake of my life.
“Cillian?” I shake the regret away when Isla opens the door, looking confused. I drop Saint inside the door, and she immediately runs past Isla and further into the apartment.
“Hi.” Damn, she’s beautiful. Her messy waves are piled high atop her head, face freshly washed and glowing so I can see every small freckle that dots her fair skin. Isla is gorgeous no matter what, but this was always how I liked her best. Clean and bare; it was something not everyone got to see. Like it was a special, vulnerable part of her that she shared with only me. “I loved you so much. I’m so sorry I hurt you.”
They aren’t the words I planned yet I can’t help but say them as I pull her close and wrap my arms around her.
“Cillian,” she says again, this time muffled by my smothering. She tilts her head up to look at me, her face a rainbow of feelings. When I lean down to kiss her, Isla shakes her head. “No! You don’t get to do that anymore.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m not yours,” she cries, her voice breaking a little right along with my heart. “You lie and I can’t take that hurt again.”
“I told you I’ve changed. I’m never going to lie to you again.”
“You already have.”
“What do you mean?” Isla pushes me away to go retrieve her cell phone. After a few swipes, she shoves the device into my hands. It’s a message from an anonymous account on Instagram, and all it contains are pictures from the going away party the other night. All of which include me and Trina. “What is this?”
“Proof that I still can’t trust anything you say.”
“This isn’t proof of anything except that we were at the same party together,” I say. Of the three pictures, one is the most incriminating, only because Isla doesn’t know the context of it. The other two are group photos that we both happen to be in.
“You said you were done with her before your last night in Boston. Clearly, that wasn’t the case.”
“I was, I am,” I protest, holding up the phone so she can see the selfie that Trina took of us. “Look at me here, Isla. Really look at it. That isn’t me enjoying myself. That’s me at a party where I didn’t control the guest list, where I played nice as to not make waves with the rest of the team. That look on my face? That’s forced. Look at it, see it.”
See me.
“Convenient.” She scoffs.
“It’s not convenient, it’s the truth. I avoided her all night. This moment here? That’s her rushing up to me, shoving the phone in front of us, and taking the picture. It would have been unnecessary to push her away and refuse in a room full of people.”
