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But before he was drafted, we were happy. He used to surprise me with random romantic gestures. Money wasn’t abundant for him, so he’d sometimes pack a picnic for us to go eat at a park. Several times, we ended up soaked because he never checked the forecast. I didn’t mind that though, I’d have run through thunderstorms naked to spend time with him.
Then there were the little notes. When we lived together, if he had to leave before I was awake, there was always a note on his pillow waiting for me. He never missed a day of saying goodbye, and he loved me without waking me up to do it.
I saved each note until after I had Sadie, when one night I was so sad, thanks to my postpartum depression that I pulled them out, read them one by one, then threw them all away.
The streets we drive are all familiar yet look different today. Something has changed; like the world has shifted on its axis without anyone noticing and now everything is only slightly askew. The lines are all blurred but the colors are more vibrant. I’m lost, floating out into deep water without an anchor or the knowledge that someone is ashore waiting to pull me back in. Sadie has been my tether and me hers. Does that change somehow with Cillian in the mix?
I’m an awful, selfish person to think that. Nothing much makes sense just now except that my intrusive thoughts are worrying. At least I’m not too far gone to recognize it.
By the time we get to the house, I’m on the verge of crying. Cillian hasn’t tried to pursue a conversation with me. I leave him to get Sadie out of the car as I grab her overnight bag and rush inside. Straight into my mother’s waiting arms.
“What’s wrong,” she asks, cupping my cheeks and pulling my face up to hers.
“I need to talk,” I whisper to her.
“Hi, Grams,” Sadie calls, sleepily behind me. “Where’s Curly? I need to tell him about my new friend, Saint.”
“He’s in the backyard with Pops, why don’t you take your dad out there?”
“Okay, come on, Daddy.”
Cillian nods at my mother and follows his daughter.
“Tell me everything,” Mom says once they’re out of earshot.
I detail the last few days for her.
“You didn’t used to put this much pressure on yourself, sweetheart.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean,” she starts, swiping a piece of hair off my cheek that’s stuck there from the few tears I allowed to fall. “That when you were younger, you were always so confident in your decisions. Whether you knew it was right, or you knew that even if it was wrong you could fix it, you never wavered. You’d dive in with surety. Even when it came to Cillian. You didn’t tiptoe into dating him; you said yes to that first dinner at Dick’s Drive-in and came home calling him your boyfriend.”
“Look where that got me.”
“I know where it got you, Isla. It got you your first love, your first heartbreak, and your first child. How do you think that balances out?”
I’ve never regretted my relationship with Cillian, because it brought me Sadie. However, I’ve never asked myself what my mother just asked me. Hating what Cillian did to us has been my go-to. How much I got out of it was never a conversation I had with myself. Maybe because then I’d have to analyze that same thing for Cillian.
Which would make me force myself to face what I was denying him.
“It’s tipped in my favor, isn’t it?”
“Is it?”
“I’ve had Sadie. He didn’t get me or her.”
“You didn’t get him either.”
“She’s worth more than the both of us combined,” I say.
“Spoken like a true mother,” she says, taking my hand. “If you block out all your fears, and you quit listening to the voices telling you what you ought to do, can you say what it is you really want to happen?”
Mom can fancy up the question all she wants but the truth is that she’s asking me if I want him back. Do I? Could I ever trust him enough for him to take him back? I don’t know that answer. I don’t even know why he chose her to begin with. There are still so many unanswered questions.
“Rubbing a golden lamp so I can make a wish to turn back time isn’t the right answer, is it?”
“If only life was that easy.” She laughs. “What would change if you had that power?”
