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“I never wanted your money, Cill.” The check sits at the bottom of my underwear drawer, waiting for me to find the right place to stash it away for Sadie’s future use. But I haven’t made it a priority or anything. Because I make enough for us to live on, and Cillian has been providing for her in every way he can think of. They go on small shopping sprees regularly. Mostly, he provides for her the way it counts most, by doting on her with love and affection.
“What do you want, Isla?” He cups my cheek, turning my head to face him.
“I don’t know how to answer that,” I admit. “What I wanted was for you to adore me the way I adored you. The same way you did before the draft. What I wanted was the silly dream of young love that lasts until death. I was so confident, you know? In us, and in you. Looking back, I hate that I didn’t walk away when I first saw what was happening. I was just so sure you’d do the right thing and tell me if it was going too far.” I’m not mad tonight. Maybe it’s taken me this long to move on to another stage of grief, or maybe I’m done mourning the us that used to be. “What happened shook me so thoroughly, it was like I was walking on earthquakes for weeks. What I want, Cill, is to be sure of something again.”
“If only it was as easy as me saying you can be,” he says sadly, pulling me under his arm so I can lean back on his chest. It adds another layer of warmth and a comfort I haven’t gotten from him in so long. “What happened… what I did, I never intended it. I left for Boston as sure in us as you were. There’s no excuse for what I did. Maybe I can explain, though. Everyone around me was feeding a side of my ego I’d never known. Not just Trina, but especially her. You always called me Superstar and for a hot minute, I was just that. The press, the fans; they loved me. Every step of the way she was in my ear, offering help and advice. Eventually, she started offering other things that fed my libido along with my ego. This older, experienced woman wanted me. And even though I didn’t want her back in the same way I wanted you, the things she offered became harder and harder to resist. And I started to rely on her always being around in the same supportive role you had always been in.”
“Did you only kiss her? I mean, while we were still together, before that night on the video call.” It’s something I’ve always wanted and been terrified to know.
“Yes. The first time she gave me a kiss goodbye. It surprised me, but I stopped her immediately, reminding her that I had you. In hindsight, I should have made a bigger deal about that, been clearer. I promised you I would set boundaries with her and then failed at my first chance. The second time was… more. Knowing what I know now, I can see she took advantage of the situation. Torsten had a handful of people over, which wasn’t abnormal for him. We played some video games, watched movies, and sometimes drank more than we should. I’d gotten sleepy but hadn’t gone off to bed yet, Trina snuggled up and waited until I was almost lights out. That time, it took me longer to stop because my head was foggy with sleep, and I half dreamed it was you. I opened my eyes to her and told her I couldn’t do that. But again, it didn’t stop me from hanging around with her.”
“What do you mean by knowing what you know now?”
18
CILLIAN
How am I supposed to admit that I wasn’t smart enough to avoid a trap like Trina? Or strong enough?
“At the time, I didn’t see her actions as intentional. I didn’t think she was purposefully trying to get between us. On my side, it was a friendship developing naturally and that, eventually, took step after step too far. Then you showed me what you’d been sent. I sat with that information and realized so much of my friendship with her wasn’t what it seemed.”
“You say friendship, but it was more than that, Cillian,” Isla interrupts.
“Yes,” I agree. “But also no. We were never a couple. Sometimes there were… uh, sexual benefits. I never loved her, I never wanted more from her. She knew that, because I never wavered on it. Sex with her was convenient, as much as that makes me an asshole, I made the parameters clear. What I didn’t know was that she must have felt threatened by how much I still loved you, and because of that she was doing awful things. Like what she sent you, even taking those pictures of me is a huge violation of the trust I had with her. She also snuck around and read the letters I wrote you.”
“What?” Isla bolts upright, that temper that I used to love so much lighting up inside her. There have been sparks of it here and there, especially when she hit me with that right hook. But largely, it’s only been a simmer compared to how easily it boiled as a teenager. “She read my letters?”
“Yes. It’s how she knew when to send you the bullshit she did. I never shared anything about you with her.” The smile forms on my face without my control, as she jumps up in outrage.
“What the fuck is funny to you right now, Wylder?”
“Nothing, Cole.”
“Then why are you smiling!”
“Why are you this outraged?”
“Because those are my goddamned letters, and I haven’t even read them yet. How fucking dare she?” She paces, no longer needing the blanket. Her disdain is keeping her warm enough.
“Right? What an awful person.”
“She’s a fucking bitch. She better hope I never see her again. Not only because of the letters, but what kind of psychopath takes pictures of people while they’re sleeping? Like, what the actual fuck? Not to mention the fact that she heard me tell you I was pregnant and then what? Conveniently fucking forgot.”
“What exactly happened in that call? I don’t remember talking to you.”
“You answered saying you missed this, and I thought you meant video calling with me. But then you started saying how I’d never talk to you again and how you didn’t want to see me because I’d look sad and that would make you feel bad,” she says, pausing to swallow down some emotion. “Then Trina said something, and the phone turned so I could see her, see that she was giving you a hand job. I lost my shit, blurted out that I was pregnant, then the call ended. I didn’t know if it was you or her that hung up, but I suppose we can piece that shit together now.”
“I remember her showing up at some point that night, but I don’t remember any of that.”
“I’m sorry, Cillian, I didn’t think you were that out of it. I fully believed you chose to be with her that night. If I had thought she was doing something you didn’t want…”
“Stop, Isla. I think I would have known if something more happened. But I’m pretty sure the only thing she took advantage of was the situation. One that I let her be a part of, that’s on me,” I reassure both her and myself. A person in your life taking such advantage of you is a weighty thing to face. Trina had plenty of opportunity to pull stunts like that, and I’m only now realizing the gravity of it all and just how diabolical she is.
“Cillian, if you don’t remember the conversation, then you didn’t give her consent to be touching you like that.”
“If I can’t remember that conversation, I doubt she got very far.” Thank you, biology.
“Don’t blow it off, Cill. That’s still assault,” Isla says, tears in her eyes. “Do you think she slipped you something? I don’t know how much you drank that night, but I never knew you to get out of control or blackout drunk.”
