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“Looking as handsome as ever,” Willa says, her canned response to what happens about a dozen times every game.
“I know that’s right.”
The Blades end up winning the game, even though Sadie isn’t awake to witness it. After saying goodnight to Zander, I tuck her in bed and curl up with the Bauer box that I now keep under my own bed. I haven’t read all the letters yet. There are a lot and some days I still don’t want to hear what he had to say. Other days, days like today, I pull one out and let his words lull me to sleep.
Isla,
It’s been three years since I’ve heard your voice. A little more since moving here to Boston. Yet it still doesn’t feel like home. It never will, I’m sure of it.
Every day feels foggy. Like there’s something I’m not seeing, or something I’ve forgotten. Whatever it is, I know it’s important. But no matter how I rack my brain, I can’t figure out what it is.
I’m left with a belief it must be you, Isla.
You’re what is missing, what I’m supposed to find.
So why can’t I bring myself to do that? Why haven’t I taken any one of the million opportunities I’ve had to come find you?
Shame for what I’ve done. Fear of the idea that you’d slam the door in my face.
It’s the knowledge that I can’t get past either of those things that makes me not nearly a good enough man for you. I hope to be one day. I wish I could tell you that, explain to you that I am trying to grow the fuck up.
I’ll get there. And when I do, I won’t give up on being a person that you can count on. Whatever that looks like, however you allow me in your life. I know what I want, but my wants are what got us into this mess to begin with. If I ever have the chance again, I’ll listen to you the way I should have at the start. I won’t come to you unless I have the confidence to be what you need.
That’s been missing, hasn’t it? It’s something you always had in spades, and maybe I relied on you for it. Fuck, Isla. Why did you ever love me? The more I think about it the less reason I find.
I’m learning though, and evolving. I promise. And not for you, or not only. For me. Next time I see you, I’ll be different.
But I’ll still love you.
Cill
It wasn’t me he was missing. It was Sadie. It was my pregnancy he’d forgotten. He’s right about one thing though, he is different.
No matter how hard I tried fighting it, it hasn’t stopped me from still loving him, too.
22
CILLIAN
“Good game, tonight, Wild,” Torsten says as he takes a seat in the all-night diner we used to haunt after games when I still lived in Boston.
“Sorry we kicked your asses,” I tease back.
“Fuck you, one goal does not constitute an ass whooping.”
“You guys almost had us, but I won’t be admitting that to anyone else.” The server comes by for our orders, which is always the same. Double bacon cheeseburger for him, spaghetti and meatballs for me. It’s not the greatest food, but it’s the carb load we’re looking for after a game.
“How’s Seattle treating you?”
“Good, I missed more than I knew.”
“And Isla?”
“Fuck man, there’s a lot to unpack there.”
“That’s why I’m here, bro. We aren’t teammates anymore, but we’re still friends,” he says. “You seriously have a kid?”
“Yeah,” I say, smiling as I pull up a picture of Sadie on my phone. She’s laughing maniacally while she holds Saint, who licks her chin. “Sadie is amazing.”
