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“Well, I told you that I need space.”
“Jesus, Aoife, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going with you.” I pushed my hands through my hair. “If you have something you need to say to me, then you might as well get it over with.”
Silence.
“You’re mad at me.”
More silence.
“You blame me.”
She didn’t respond, choosing to cover her ears with her hands instead.
“Admit it,” I demanded, feeling helpless and frustrated as my chest heaved. “Whatever you need to say to me, just fucking admit it, Molloy.”
“Fine, Joey, fine! You want to know how I’m feeling? I’m hurt!” she screamed, scrambling onto her knees and throwing her pillow at me. “Because I was nearly raped tonight—by a man that looks just like you! And I was put in that position because of you! Because you didn’t care enough to pick up the phone and tell me what was happening. Because you didn’t spare a thought for me when you left and didn’t come back!”
And there it was.
It was out there now.
She blamed me as much as I blamed me.
“I had my back to him when he grabbed me,” she cried out hoarsely. “I thought it was you… I thought he was you, Joey! But it wasn’t you. Those weren’t your hands on my body, or your tongue on my skin, or your fingers in my hair, and now I don’t know what to feel.”
I flinched. “Jesus Christ.”
Just when I thought I couldn’t hate myself any more than I did, she opened her mouth and gave me her truth.
Choking out a huge sob, she cried, “So, yes, I’m mad at you, and maybe it’s irrational to feel it and my emotions are all misplaced, but I’m mad, and hurt, and I’m so fucking angry with you.” Her voice cracked, and she choked out another pained sob before admitting, “Because I was there tonight for you. Looking after your brothers for you. And because every horrible situation that I’ve found myself in this past year and a half has been for you. I keep getting hurt because I love you!”
I could smell her perfume on my skin, could feel her devastation all around me, as she looked into my eyes and ripped my heart out of my chest. This was exactly what I had tried to stop from happening.
I didn’t want to fall in love with her and I did. I didn’t want to let her in and I did. Everything I never wanted to do, I did with her, for her, because I loved her. Because she refused to accept nothing less.
I didn’t know what to say to make it right.
I didn’t have the words to comfort her in this moment.
I couldn’t deny or rebuff what she was saying.
As hard as it was to hear, it was the truth.
I hurt her and she hurt me, it was what we seemed to do, but she couldn’t look at me now without seeing my father, and all I could see in this moment when I looked at her was my mother.
My body bowed in pain.
I couldn’t breathe.
Deciding it was safer to keep my mouth shut in this moment, I quicky climbed out of her bed and moved for my clothes.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t answer her.
“Joey?”
I couldn’t. Ignoring the pain impaling my chest, crushing down on my windpipe, I focused on what my brain was telling me.
