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Another loud scream of a fire engine siren filled the air, and we both turned toward Elk’s side of the bridge to see flashing lights whizzing by in the distance.
“Looks like you’re not the only one being a menace to society tonight,” she jibed, folding her arms across her chest, still watching me warily. “Sounds like it’s coming from your neck of the woods.”
“Yeah,” I muttered, feeling a wave of unease creep over me as I watched in the distance the stream of fire engines, ambulances, and squad cars speeding toward Elk’s Terrace. “I think you might be right.”
108
Queen of Hearts
AOIFE
Queen,
There’s so much I want to say to you. So much I want to apologize for. I know that writing this down looks like I’m taking the coward’s way out, and you’re absolutely right. I am a coward, but then again, I’ve always been weak when it came to you. But I’m not doing it anymore. I’m not taking you down another day. I refuse to. Besides, I’ve done enough of that shit to last a lifetime.
I spoke to my father tonight. Talked things through. He made a lot of sense, said a lot of shit that rang true with me. He told me the only way I can break the cycle is by leaving you and the baby before I destroy you. For the first time in my life, I feel like he gave me solid advice. Because if he’d left my mother, then maybe everything would be different.
He didn’t love her enough to do the right thing for her, but I do. I love you enough to do the right thing for you. And the right thing for you and our baby is to live a life without me in it. Because let’s face it, baby, I’m not getting better.
I’m sorry, queen. For the lies I’ve told. For the names I’ve called you. For the times I’ve made you cry. For every ounce of shit I’ve put you through. For leaving you alone in this. I know what you’re thinking: that I’m bailing, but I’m not, Molloy. I’m trying to make sure that kid doesn’t end up like its father. I’m trying to make sure that you don’t end up like my mother. Knowing that I’m sparing you and the baby a life like the one I’ve lived gives me so much peace. You deserve to live a good life, and as long as I’m still here, that’ll never happen for you.
I love you, okay?
Please don’t ever doubt that.
I love you so fucking much I don’t even know how to put it into words.
But I just… I need to set you free.
Yours always,
Joey x
PS: On the other side of this letter is a full confession of the shit that went down at home in my words, dated and signed. I want you to give it to John Kavanagh. It will help him in court when he goes for custody of my siblings.
Tell them I was sorry.
Tell them I loved them.
Tell my son that I loved him.
Tell yourself that I loved you most.
I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy. xx
Frantic, I shoved the letter I’d found in the front pocket of my hoodie down on the counter in the Garda station and cried, “You have to help me find him before he does something!”
“Aoife, pet, try to stay calm,” Dad instructed as he wrapped his coat over my shoulders. “The Gards are doing all they can. They’ve already sent a car out looking for him. Podge and Alec are out looking for him. Darren’s out looking for him. Your mother and Kev, too—”
“It’s not enough!” I screamed, clutching my stomach as I leaned heavily against my father so as not to collapse in a heap on the floor. “You don’t understand. He’s not well right now. He’s so vulnerable!”
“What did you say his home address was?” the female Gard behind the counter asked.
“95 Elk’s Terrace,” I strangled out, chest heaving. “Why? Is he there? Did they find him? Is he okay?”
Looking concerned, the Garda tapped on the keyboard attached to her computer before switching up to read something scribbled down on a notepad. She then picked up the ringing phone on her desk and paled as she listened to whatever was being said on the other line.
“No, no, no,” I cried, sagging heavily against my father, as my legs gave out beneath me. “He’s dead, isn’t he?”
