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The only one I prayed would be there when I got out of here.
Even though I knew she would be better off far away from me.
I’d dragged her down to my toxic level.
And then I’d left her, alone, carrying a baby inside of her belly.
My baby.
I did that. I wrecked her future before her life had even started.
I was no better than him.
I’d done to Molloy what my father had done to my mother all those years ago.
And still, she remained by my side.
Through the storm, through the Category 5 fucking hurricane that was my life, she stayed, never giving up on me even when I’d given up on myself.
Nobody ever got me like she did.
Nobody ever accepted me like she had.
For me.
I spent so long trying to push her away that when I stopped, it was so easy. Being with her was like breathing. I didn’t know I needed the air, but I knew that I would die without it.
That’s what she was to me now.
How important her presence in my life was.
Being without her now felt alien.
The thought of not having her in my life made me want to stay down.
Sometimes, I wondered if I stayed still enough, would the world just forget about me? Would I join my mother? Wherever the fuck she was.
In therapy, they told me to write about my feelings, but the truth was that I didn’t know where to begin.
I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore, didn’t know and couldn’t tell what was real and what was synthesized.
All I could see was her.
The girl from the wall.
118
Cramming and Cracking
AOIFE
I’ll be seeing ya, Molloy.
I’ll come back for you.
For both of you.
“Aoife, come on, will you? You need to focus!” My brother’s voice penetrated my thoughts. I looked up from the copybook I was doodling in to find Kev staring at me from across the kitchen table with an expectant look etched on his face. “Have you taken in a word of what I’ve been saying for the past two hours?”
