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“How are they?” I forced myself to ask her before swallowing roughly. Feeling a white-hot, scorching pain from the words, from the realization that I’d as good as abandoned my little brothers and sister when they needed me most.
She smirked before saying, “They’re grand.”
Reluctantly, my lips tipped up of their own accord. “I suppose I deserved that one.”
“The boys are doing just fine, love.” She smiled then, a huge, megawatt grin. “In fact, they’re doing better than anyone could have hoped for, given the circumstances.”
Thank Christ for small mercies.
“And Shannon?”
Grinning, Edel rolled her eyes. “Your sister is loved up to the hilt with my young fella. They’re like an old married couple at this stage. Keeping them apart is the main challenge these days.”
“I can imagine,” I replied, all the while knowing that the very last thing that I ever wanted to do on this earth was imagine that particular scenario.
“Actually, I wanted to run something by you.” Reaching for the radio, she turned the volume down. “I thought, with them both living together, that it would be safer for everyone involved to take Shannon to the doctor.” She cast a nervous glance in my direction. “She’s on the pill since June, love. I hope that’s alright by you.”
The fact that she was asking my permission did something to me. She was treating me like an equal, not a child, and I was grateful.
“No, that’s definitely a wise decision,” I replied. “I mean, it’s not bulletproof.” I paused and gestured to myself. “Clearly. But it’s good that she’s protecting herself.”
“I’ve warned them to keep their hands off,” Edel continued. “But you know the way these things go. I can only do so much.”
Yeah, I knew how it went. Molloy and I had been plenty inventive back in the day.
“Listen.” Clearing my throat, I rolled my sleeves up to my elbows, while I shifted around in discomfort, trying to form the words that would never come close to what needed to be said. “I can never repay you and John for what you’ve done for my family…” I paused and dragged in a pained breath, before adding, “For what you’ve done for me.”
Fuck, I hated this with every fiber of my being. “I’m still not sure why you did what you did—or why you continue to help us—but I think it’s pretty clear that it takes a special sort of person to take in a family like you’ve done for us. I don’t have anything to give you in return. I don’t know if I ever will, but I’ll do everything I can to pay you back for—”
“I love your family, Joey,” she cut me off by saying, voice thick with emotion. “Each and every one of you.” She winked. “Especially you.”
Especially me.
Well, shit.
I had nothing to say in return to that. Because the truth was, I didn’t love her. My heart just didn’t beat the same way as my siblings’. In fact, I was fairly certain that it didn’t beat right at all. In that moment, it felt like there was steel in my windpipe, blocking the air from escaping my lungs and preventing the words that needed to be spoken from spilling from my lips.
Maybe it was just as well that I didn’t love the woman in the driver’s seat. After all, I had either let down or successfully ruined every woman that had managed to breach the walls around my cold, black heart.
My mother.
My sister.
My girlfriend.
Thinking about the girl I’d left behind in Ballylaggin at the beginning of the summer caused a swell of guilt so strong and severe to build up inside of me that I truly felt I might drown. The guilt made me itch and burn and fucking yearn to escape the confines of this woman’s luxury car.
No, scratch that, it made me want to use.
Breathe, lad, just breathe.
No, don’t breathe, just hold your breath until you pass the fuck out and stop feeling.
Turning to face my door window, I clenched my eyes shut and did just that. Forcing my shoulders to relax, I allowed myself to absorb the feeling like I had been taught to. I took it all in, while focusing on my breathing, the steady beat of my heart. Channeling in on my senses, I concentrated on the feel, and smell, and taste of fresh air.
Finally, it passed.
“I’ve been calling Aoife,” I offered up out of thin air, surprising myself with the admission. “Every day since I earned my phone privileges.”
