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Aside from my shorts and jersey and a clean pair of underwear, something I always carried, I didn’t have a spare change of clothes at school, so I would have to suffer on until I got home.
My bus wasn’t for another hour but I knew I would much rather wait at the bus stop for it to arrive than risk bumping into Bella inside the school. Even though I didn’t know what Bella looked like, I wasn’t prepared to put myself through that level of worry. Not even for my coat that was still in my locker.
The rain was worth my peace of mind.
Tucking my emergency pouch back into the front pocket of my schoolbag, I hoisted it onto my back and settled the straps of my bag on my shoulders before reaching for the note.
Shan,
I should’ve kept my fat gob shut. I really didn’t mean to upset you. I thought we were all joking around and I got caught up in the banter. Sometimes, I forget about all the horrible things those girls did to you. It’s hard because you seem so happy here…and different? Different in a good way.
And don’t take any notice of Shelly and Helen. They are complete drama whores. Bella won’t lay a finger on you. I promise.
Anyway, I’m really sorry and please text me when you get home.
Love, Claire. x.x.x
I read the note three more times before stuffing it into the pocket of my skirt. Then I tucked my gear bag under the bench next to Claire’s before leaving the changing room.
I wasn’t mad at Claire. Their banter was perfectly normal. It was my reaction to the banter that I was mad about. My constant overreaction to everything.
I needed to work on myself. I needed to stop being scared all the time.
It was hard, though, when I spent most of my waking hours in a constant state of paranoia and anxiety.
Joey told me that I had to fight back. He said it again last night when he was rubbing my back as I tried to breathe through a panic attack. He told me that if Da ever put his hands on me again, I should grab a weapon.
I was afraid to, though. I was terrified of unleashing something I might not be able to rein back in.
It was because of my lack of action that my brother ended up taking a beating last night. I knew Joey didn’t blame me for his broken nose, but the text message I’d received from him earlier, letting me know that he was staying with Aoife for the night, made the prospect of going home a terrifying one. He was bailing out and I didn’t blame him.
If I had a safe place to fall, I would hurl myself toward it.
That’s what Aoife was to my brother. Joey had Aoife and I had no one.
Deep in thought, I was at the bottom of the steps outside the P.E. building when the sound of my name being called rocketed through the air.
“Shannon.”
Turning around, I watched as Johnny jogged down the steep steps of the building, pulling up the hood of his navy jacket as he went.
Don’t overreact and run, I silently commanded as my feet twitched beneath me. Just say hi.
Realizing that I was physically nodding along to my mental affirmations, I cleared my throat and offered a weak, “Hi, Johnny.”
“Hi, Shannon,” he puffed, coming to a stop in front of me. “How’s it going?”
“Okay,” I squeezed out as I tried to keep my features impassive. It was an impossible feat when every ounce of blood in my body was rushing to my face, encouraged by my thunderous heartbeat. “You, uh, were in the hall?”
“Yeah.” Johnny nodded. “I had a few things I needed to go through with Coach.” A small smile pulled at his lips. “You weren’t messing when you said you didn’t play any sports, huh?”
I flamed in embarrassment.
“Ah, no, I wasn’t.”
“How’s your mam?” he asked, blue eyes sharp and probing.
“Oh, she’s, uh—” I paused to tuck a drenched tendril of hair behind my ear. “She’s a lot better now.”
