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Of course, he didn’t.
Instead, he released a ragged breath, cupped the side of my neck, bringing me closer, and touched his cheek to mine. Pressing his lips to my ear, in a voice barely more than a whisper, he said, “I’m scared, Shannon.”
“Scared?”
I felt him nod, his stubbly cheek rubbing against mine.
“Of what?”
“You.”
“Me?” My heart flipped in my chest. “Why?”
“What I told you that night?” he whispered, gently clutching the side of my neck with his huge hand. “All that shite about my surgery and how much pain I’m in? I’m furious with myself for losing my head and telling you something that can be used against me. I gave you power over me and now I’m fucking panicking, okay? I lost my cool with you in the car because you struck a nerve. Because you called me out on my bullshit. Because you were right.”
“I was?”
He nodded and the movement caused his cheek to rub against mine.
“I’m not thick,” he continued to whisper. “I know what I’m risking by playing, but I have everything riding on the next fifteen months—on my body holding out. It’s my career,” he told me, voice barely audible.
His words were coming so low and fast, mixed with a thickening Dublin accent, that it was a struggle to keep up.
“It’s my future, and I can’t bear to watch it slip through my fingers. I’ve worked too hard to get to this position to let it all go. They’re making me take a test, Shannon. I haven’t told anyone about it. And if don’t pass it—if they find out I’m not a hundred percent—they’ll pull me and I’ll be out for months, Shannon. Months. It mightn’t seem like a big deal to you, but for me, it’s my life. I’ll miss my shot with the U20s in June. I’ll miss everything. I’ll lose everything. That can’t fucking happen.”
His lips brushed against my earlobe as he spoke.
It wasn’t an intentional move or remotely flirtatious—he was clearly agitated—but I still had to suppress a shiver at the contact.
“And you knowing all of this? Me telling you? Knowing that it could be held over me?” Johnny sighed heavily, his warm breath fanning the curve of my jawline. “I don’t do that, Shannon. I don’t make myself vulnerable to anyone. Ever.” His fingers trembled against my neck as he spoke. “And it scares the shite out of me that I’ve handed that kind of power over to you.”
“Then why did you do it?” I asked, as a small shudder rolled down my spine. Leaning back so that I could look at his face, I asked, “Why did you tell me?”
He looked so helpless as he shrugged.
“I’ve been asking myself the same question for a long time, and I still don’t have an answer, Shannon,” he croaked out, tormented blue eyes locked on mine. “I don’t understand what’s happening between us.”
I realized that I was witnessing a rare moment of vulnerability from Johnny, and my heart could barely take the pressure.
Seeing him like this…so exposed and unguarded? It did something to me. Made me feel protective. Like I needed to nurture him or something, which was insane, because one look at the boy and it was obvious he didn’t need anyone’s protection.
But I still felt it.
I watched him watch me for the longest moment, soaking in his defeated expression and the way he looked down at me almost hopefully, like I had the answers to all his questions.
I didn’t.
The right thing to do would be to comfort him with words of assurance.
I didn’t do that.
Instead, I whispered my truth.
“I don’t want you to play.” Throwing caution to the wind and moving on instinct, I tucked my legs beneath me, shifted closer, and pressed my lips to his ear. “Not today, and not tomorrow. I don’t want you to go out there and put yourself in harm’s way, Johnny. I don’t want you to get hurt. I want you to stop. I want you to rest your body. I want you to take care of yourself.”
“Shannon—”
“Let me finish,” I whispered.
