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“Because it’s not that easy for me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m afraid!”
“Of what?” she demanded, pushing at my chest. “Huh?” She pushed me again. “What are you afraid of?”
“You, Claire,” I roared back at her, chest heaving. “I’m afraid of you!”
49
All Aboard the Feels Train!
CLAIRE
“Me?”
“Yes!”
“You’re afraid of me?”
“Yes!”
“Why?”
“Because I fucking love you, Claire!”
“I love you, too.”
“I know,” he agreed. “That’s what makes it even worse!”
“But that doesn’t make any sense,” I cried out hoarsely. Reeling from his admission, I stood in the rain, staring up at the only boy I ever loved and screamed. “None of what you’re saying makes any sense to me, Gerard!”
I didn’t want to be in love with him, and I was. It sucked. Big time. I wanted requited love. The proper kind. Like Shannon had with Johnny. And Aoife with Joey. Well, minus the drugs and the teen pregnancy. I just wanted a real relationship.
With him.
He marked me in childhood, and that mark had only scored deeper on my heart as the years went by. I knew him, though. He lingered on my heart. I couldn’t seem to get past him.
Apparently, that was too much to ask because the boy I wanted was broken in the head. He didn’t have the same feelings I had. He didn’t work the same way I did.
“When has anything about my thought process ever made sense, Claire?” Gerard shouted back. “I know I’m fucking all of this up.” He pushed a hand through his drenched hair and shrugged helplessly. “I’m not trying to purposefully upset you. I swear to Christ, I’m not, but that’s what happens.” He threw his hands up in defeat. “That’s what I seem to do, Claire.”
“Then you need to stop.”
“I’m trying,” he bit out through gritted teeth. “That’s what I’m trying to do, Claire. I’m trying to talk this out with you!”
“I don’t need any more words, Gerard,” I clapped back. “I don’t need you putting anymore words into the atmosphere that you don’t mean.”
“That I don’t mean?” he demanded. “What have I ever not meant?”
“How about all of those lies you’ve fed me for the past sixteen years about loving me and wanting us to be together,” I strangled out. “Only to turn right around and do the opposite every chance you get!”
“I do love you, Claire. I do want to be with you. I’ve always wanted to be with you. I just—” He stopped short and blew out a frustrated breath, hands moving to his hips. “If you just let me explain…”
“I am, Gerard,” I urged, voice high-pitched and torn. “I am letting you explain. I have given you all the time in the world to explain. To figure it the hell out. Sixteen years, to be precise. But you can’t come up with a good enough excuse off the top of your head quick enough, now, can you?” I shook my head. “Instead, you say all the right words and then you turn around and do the complete opposite.” Teeth chattering from the cold, I stamped my foot in frustration. Big mistake. My shoe landed in a pothole, causing brown, muddy water to splash all over my tights. Again. Furious, I balled my hands into fists and screamed. “And now I’m muddy again!” I glared at him, heart racing at a thousand miles an hour. “And these shoes are new!”
“It’s not about me finding excuses to not be with you, Claire,” he roared. “It’s about me knowing that you’re the perfect person for me.” Clearly furious, he slapped the heel of his hand against his forehand and hissed, “All the while knowing that I’m not!”
