AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The girl was everything to me, and that wasn’t me being dramatic. It was a fact. The thought of letting her down made me feel physically sick. The thought of any form of harm coming to her, be it emotional or physical, made me feel homicidal.
So, I did the friend thing, played the role I had been assigned since birth, and tried my best not to fuck it up, while soaking in every spare second of time with her. I didn’t call over at the Biggs house for Hugh. It was always for her. I would always look after her, even if looking at her from afar was all I could do. It would be enough for me. It would have to be. Because breaking her or corrupting her wasn’t an option. Letting her down was even less of one.
Hugh didn’t want me near his sister for all the reasons he didn’t need to worry about. Because, as sure as there was a cat in County Cork, I would never cause harm to Claire Biggs.
She was too important to me.
She was everything to me.
Knowing that our mothers not only thought we would make a good couple, but strongly encouraged it on the daily warmed something inside of me, but it couldn’t warm or quieten the niggling fear I had of fucking everything up and potentially driving away the only person I couldn’t live without.
Because I never wanted her to run from me. To be afraid of me, or for me to make her feel the way I felt. I never wanted her to experience that form of helplessness.
I wanted the future I joked about with her. I wanted everything with her. Problem was, I didn’t trust the person I was. I was too fucking scared of becoming what had ruined me. Of abusing her love and breaking her heart.
Because once we crossed that line, things would never be the same again. We couldn’t come back from it. And I needed the guarantee that I wouldn’t wreck it. That I wouldn’t be reckless with her heart. That I could love her the right way. Because I loved this girl. With every fiber of my being. With every beat of my poor defective heart. I loved her fiercely, solely, wholeheartedly. I had so many physical urges directed solely toward her, but there were no guarantees in life, and I couldn’t risk it.
Clenching my eyes shut, I took a moment to compose myself, to slide my comedic, carefree mask into place. It covered me like a blanket of deceit and protection.
This was how I had managed to reinvent myself when my world crashed down around me. Not just reinvent myself. No, it was more than that. It was my personal resurrection.
When I opened my eyes again, I was the version of me I could tolerate. The version that couldn’t be hurt.
Never again.
“You know me, Claire-Bear,” I offered with a reassuring smile. Because even though looking at her was effortless, seeing concern in her eyes was not. “I’m always okay.”
She didn’t look impressed. Or fooled. “So, it’s like that again, huh?”
Guilt swam inside of me, but I doubled down and smiled harder. “Like what?”
She didn’t respond. Instead, she stared at me for the longest time before shaking her head in resignation.
“Okay, Gerard.” Releasing me, she climbed to her feet. “Build your walls back up all you want,” she declared as she gathered up her pillows and duvet that were strewn everywhere, along with her nightstand and lamp. “I’m too tired to break them down tonight.”
It was only then that I was registered the fact that not only did I wake her up with my bullshit, but I’d messed her room up in my pathetic attempt to find her in the dark.
“Shit, babe,” I muttered, hurrying to fix my mistakes. “I didn’t mean to do any of this.” Standing the nightstand back up, I switched on the thankfully unbroken lamp and placed it back in its usual spot. “Fuck.” Immediately, my gaze channeled in on the sleeping cat in the corner of her bedroom, with her litter of babies, and I sagged in relief, grateful that I hadn’t disturbed them. “I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah.” Yawning, she clambered onto her bed, burrowed under the duvet, and then patted the empty patch of mattress beside her. “It was like you were trying to fight me and run to me all in one breath.”
A shudder racked through me. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. I’m glad you’re here.” She patted the mattress once more, causing a combination of guilt and relief to course through my veins. “Now, come here and snuggle me. You know I hate sleeping without you.”
Yeah, I knew that, and it was a troubling piece of information because it meant that my fucked-up issues had managed to seep their way into her innocence.
It meant that I had infected her with my bullshit. It felt an awful lot like an unhealthy codependency technique, and that troubled me because I didn’t want this girl to depend on me for anything. Because I wasn’t worthy and I sure as hell wasn’t good enough.
Still, like every night since the age of seven, I found myself climbing into bed beside her, with only one goal in mind: to get as close as humanly possible to the only form of physical comfort I had found in my seventeen years on earth.
When I was under the covers, I automatically moved into the middle of the bed and then rolled onto my right side, feeling the familiar dip in the mattress that had been put there from my body imprint.
Like clockwork, Claire rolled onto her side and raised her arm, waiting for mine to come around her. “Mmm,” she purred like a little kitten. “You’re always toasty warm.”
“Yeah.” I shifted closer until our bodies aligned, her back to my chest, my hand on her hip, her hand gripping my forearm. Perfectly in sync in every human way possible. “Claire?”
“Hmm?”
