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68
Opening Up and Shutting Down
GIBSIE
The last several weeks had been the best of my life, but in a messed-up way, they had also been the hardest. Because every day, I woke up and lied to the one person I wasn’t supposed to keep secrets from. It was bearable when our relationship was platonic, but the shift that had come over me since we became more was like night and day.
I felt so tired all the time, like I was carrying this massive weight around that was becoming more unbearable with every day that passed. It wasn’t until the morning of the winter ball that I finally came to the conclusion that I couldn’t do this anymore.
I couldn’t carry this weight another day.
It was too much.
It was too crippling.
With my arm wrapped tightly around the naked girl in my bed and my attention fixated on my bedroom ceiling above us, I thought about my options.
Could I say it?
Could I truly get the words out again, knowing that the one and only time I had spoken them before, they had fallen on deaf ears. I wasn’t believed then, so what was to say that Claire would believe me now? Yes, she loved me, I knew that was true, but love didn’t have anything to do with someone’s ability to believe in monsters.
Concentrating on my breathing, I tried to repress the feeling of uneasiness, and when that didn’t work, I held my breath in the hope that I might pass out and get a few minutes of sleep before my alarm clock went off for school. But all that seemed to do was make the sound of my pulse even louder in my ears.
Finding no comfort within myself, I flicked my attention to the tux hanging on the back of my bedroom door before settling my gaze on the sleeping beauty in my arms. She’d been asleep for hours, while I hadn’t closed an eye. I wasn’t comfortable in my own bed, having spent ninety percent of my nights sleeping in hers, so it didn’t exactly soothe the anxiety ebbing away at me.
But having her here in my space, with her body touching mine, gave me a semblance of peace in this room that I didn’t have before. She made me want to stay in this bed with her. She made me want to relax. Because I loved her. Every part of me. With every bone in my body. Defective and all as I was. I couldn’t help it. It was instinctive. It was ever consuming. It was forever.
As my eyes trailed over her, I felt my heart anchor itself to her, both attaching and wrapping itself up in intricate knots around every part of her. I knew that I would never get over this girl, which made lying to her almost as unthinkable as disclosing to her.
Fighting an internal war that had me losing either way, I waited in silence until she finally roused from her sleep, bringing with her a smile that shone brighter than any sun over Ballylaggin.
“Morning, Mr. Smiley Face,” Claire mumbled sleepily as she rolled onto her side and draped both her arm and leg over my body. “Mmm, my human radiator.”
“Morning, Mrs. Smiley Face,” I replied, feeling my entire body ignite now that she was awake. “Are you okay?” Her soft little puffy breaths tickled my chest, but I didn’t move an inch. I needed the warmth that emanated from her. The light. “Are you sore?”
“I feel great,” she replied sleepily, shifting closer until our bodies were once again melded together. “Last night was super fun.”
Super.
I smiled when she used the word.
It was so fucking adorable.
And last night was more than just super fun. It meant everything to me. She would never understand how many demons she chased out of my room with her body. Being with her in this bed, the same bed where I’d endured countless nights of torture throughout the course of my childhood, was so cathartic, it was almost surreal.
Tell her, my heart commanded, just tell her.
“Do we really have to go to school?”
“No,” I croaked out, pushing down my memories once more to live in the moment with the person responsible for keeping my heart beating since I was seven years old.
“Yeah, we do,” she said with a sigh. “Mam will get a call from Dee if I don’t show up at school, and then we’ll be caught because she’ll call Edel and will find out that I’m not at Shannon’s house.”
I shifted in discomfort.
“Are you okay?” She lifted her head to look at me. “Your body just went all stiff.”
“I’m grand,” I assured her, while trying to figure out what to do or how to phrase what I knew I had to disclose. “I need to tell you something.”
