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“Uh…maybe?” I chuckled sheepishly, unable to stop my mind from wandering back to a particularly strange interaction I shared with Gerard’s ladder last Easter.
“Are you alone?” Gerard asked when he hobbled into my bedroom, kitted out in our town’s rugby team kit—muddy boots and all. “There’s no one else in here?” He looked around nervously, all while covering his crotch with his hands. “No evil Viper lurking behind a door with a knife in hand, waiting for the opportunity to take me out?”
“No, Gerard, I’m all alone.” I laughed, still flipping through the pages of my favorite weekly magazine subscription. “Why are you back from the game early?” I narrowed my eyes, instantly suspicious. “Did you get sent off again?”
“Yes, but I sent myself off this time,” he explained, as he hobbled comically toward me.
“Care to explain why?”
“Because your brother couldn’t protect a paper bag in a goddamn maul, that’s why,” he huffed. “Listen, what I’m about to show you is really bad, and I apologize in advance for the nightmares I’m about to unleash on you, but I’m in real danger of dying here, Claire-Bear.” He sank down on my bed beside me, only to grunt in pain and spring back up. “As in fully dead with no comeback.”
“Why?” I laughed, pulling myself into a sitting position. “What did you do?”
“It’s my dick,” he admitted in a pained tone. “Actually, it’s my ladder.”
“Your ladder?” My eyes widened. “Your dick is a ladder?”
“No, no, no,” he groaned, gingerly lowering himself down on the mattress this time. “It’s the ladder on my dick.”
“Okay.” I shook my head. “I am so confused right.”
“Listen to me; I pierced my dick, it’s called a Jacob’s ladder, and some prick from the other team kicked me square in the nuts during the game,” he said in a big whoosh. “I’m hurt, and I mean seriously hurt, Claire-Bear. We’re talking ‘Tom’s down and Dick and Harry are missing in action’ kind of hurt.”
“Oh my god.” My eyes widened in horror as I tried to make sense of the crazy spilling from his lips. “You did what?”
“Can you check it for me?” he asked, grimacing in discomfort. “And not in a ‘I’m trying to get you to put it in your mouth’ kind of way,” he hurried to add. “More of a ‘I really fucking love my dick and I don’t want to get sepsis like Kav’ kind of way?”
“Gerard!”
“Please, Claire,” he begged, clutching his stomach. “You know I can’t cope with blood, and if there’s blood down there, then I’m going to pass out.”
“You can’t cope with blood? What about me?” I squealed, scrambling onto my knees in anticipation, as some sick wave of morbid curiosity washed over me. “What if it scares me? Oh god, what if I vomit? You know I hate vomiting.”
“I’m not going to lie to you, Claire. It might scare you, and we could both vomit,” he confirmed grimly. “But you’re my best friend and I would do it for you in a heartbeat.”
Dammit, that was true.
All jokes aside, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was stupid enough to pierce my genitals, he would help me. “Okay, okay, fine!”
“Thank you,” he sighed in relief. “Okay, if it’s bad, don’t tell me. Just go outside and call an ambulance.”
“And you’re sure you don’t want to ask one of the boys to check it for you?” I asked in a much calmer tone than I was feeling. “You wouldn’t feel more comfortable with Hugh or Johnny, or Keith—”
“No,” he choked out. “Jesus no. It can only be you.”
“Okay.”
He looked at me uncertainly. “Okay?”
“Okay,” I confirmed with a determined nod. Climbing off the bed, I dropped to my knees in front him and reached for the waist of his shorts. “I’m ready.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” he choked out, batting my hands away as he squirmed in discomfort. “I’ve changed my mind.”
“Gerard, come on, don’t be a baby. You’re in pain and need to get this ladder inspected,” I urged, reaching for his shorts again. “Just be brave and take off your underpants.”
“It’s not a ladder right now, babe,” he groaned, hands settling on the elastic waistband of his shorts. “The minute I saw you in those shorts, it turned into a full-blown fire-escape stairwell.”
I grinned up at him. “It did?”
