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It was a reckless sort of urgency that took ahold of me. A need to be touched and avoided all in one breath. It was complicated and I feared delving too deep inside my head, inside my memories, to find the root of the problem. Either way, I was in total control and that was how I liked it.
When I was with her, we moved at my pace. She wasn’t forcing me to do shit, and in turn, I had learned everything I knew from this woman. Problem was, after a while, being Dee’s giver had begun to feel icky, and the moment she had started to push me for more, I’d quickly slammed the brakes.
When it came to this woman, I had been such a fucking eejit. I wasn’t about to lie and say that piercing my dick back in fifth year didn’t have anything to do with Dee. It had. It was my temporary way out of a situation that had gotten too big for me. A successful one at that, because I’d deftly managed to avoid the woman since then.
Hugh and the lads assumed I was a fuckboy without a conscience, and I let it roll because why the fuck not? They’d be surprised if they knew the real me, the person I was beneath the surface, desperate for the kind of affection that I could control.
Leaning against the tall countertop that separated the students from the staff, I felt a wave of self-loathing roll through my body. It was a feeling I’d spent my life trying to run from and somehow, I always managed to find myself back here, drowning in my disgust.
“No, I’m not training after school,” I clarified, pulling my attention back to the present, to the woman looking expectantly at me. Why are you the way you are, my conscience demanded, furious with me for once again getting my ass caught up in a level of drama that I wasn’t nearly mature enough to handle. “Listen,” I said, trying a different approach. “We’ve had a good run of it, but I’m going to be busy with school this year.”
Instead of taking my words at face value, Dee threw her head back and laughed. “Gibs, this is me you’re talking to.”
I steeled my resolve and said, “I’m not interested anymore.”
“You’re not interested.” It wasn’t a question, but her accusatory tone of voice assured me that she wasn’t about to let me off the hook easily. “Because of her?”
Claire’s face flashed through my mind, sending a whole new level of devastated guilt washing through me. “No,” I bit out slowly. “Because this never should’ve happened in the first place.” I discreetly gestured between us and blew out a sharp breath. “Just call it a day and walk away, Dee.”
“That’s not what you were saying before.”
“Well, it’s what I’m saying now.”
“You’re acting like I forced you.”
“No, I’m not acting like anything. I’m telling you that it’s done with.”
“So, it’s official?” Leaning back in her chair, she folded her arms across her chest and studied my face. “You’ve finally grown a pair of balls and decided to settle down with her?”
“I’m seventeen,” I snapped back, beyond pissed off that she was bringing Claire into the equation. “I’m not settling down with anything.”
“You don’t look seventeen.”
“Well, if you need a reminder of my age, then take a look at my birth certificate,” I tossed back. “It’s in my file.”
Dee flinched like I had smacked her, and I felt like a knob. “You said it helped.”
“It did,” I urged, feeling my sanity slip further away the longer this conversation lasted. “But that’s past tense, okay? I’m over it.”
“So, I don’t do it for you anymore.”
“I’m just not interested anymore,” I groaned, dropping my head in my hands, elbows resting on the counter. “I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings.”
“Don’t apologize,” she snapped, tone laced with hurt, as she rolled her desk chair backwards and stood up. “And don’t even think about telling your little girlfriend about this.”
Trust me, if I could erase it from my mind I would in a heartbeat. “She’s not my girlfriend, Dee,” I shot back with a clipped nod. “But don’t worry,” I added, moving for the door. “I have no plans to tell her.”
“She won’t understand,” she called after me. “How your mind works. You’ll never be able to make it work with her.”
“I’ll take my chances.”
15
Shiny Happy People
CLAIRE
“Evening, family,” I chimed, strolling into Gerard’s kitchen on Friday evening.
