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“You were different from all of them, though,” I tell Sophie. “You grew up with daddy’s money and power. Anything you wanted, you could have, except maybe absolute freedom. There’s nothing I can give you that he can’t except for a good fuck.”
Sweeping the hair out of her face, I tell her the final truth, “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. It’s not that I don’t want you to touch me, princess. That’s not it at all. Yes, I always restrained the whores you rightfully despise after that ordeal because I just wanted to use them rather than have them put their hands on me, pretending like they wanted me. But your hands? I love having your hands on me, even though I stain them. Every inch of me is fucking filthy. Sex and blood have tainted me inside and out for eight years. I knew I was too disgusting to lay a finger on you, but I still selfishly wanted you, so sweet and innocent and good. Everything I’m not and never will be again. I don’t blame you for not wanting to keep my baby if you do turn up pregnant. I shouldn’t have put you in this position. I fucking know that. What you have to understand is that I would do anything to keep you. You want my word that I’ll be faithful for all of our days? I’ll give it to you. I’ll give you every-fucking-thing I have to give, if you’ll just keep your promise and stay with me.”
37
Sophie
My tears coat Lochlan’s palm that’s still covering my mouth when he finishes telling me about his awful past. What his father did to him…I don’t even know what I would say even if he would let me speak.
I don’t blame him for keeping me quiet. How many times have I insulted him, called him the derogatory things he believes are the worst parts of himself? All I’ve done is make him think he was right to feel ashamed of himself.
When he eventually removes his palm from my mouth, the first thing I’m able to get out is, “Free me.”
Lochlan’s jaw clenches, his eyes filled with ire, making me realize I should’ve said anything else. “You promised me, Sophie.”
“I’m not…I’m not going anywhere. Free me, please, so I can prove it to you.”
There’s still doubt and hurt in his green-gold eyes as he stretches above me to undo the cuff on my right wrist then the left. My arms are heavy, nearly numb from the prolonged stretching above my head. Still, when Lochlan’s face is above mine again, I manage to lift my hands to his face, rubbing my fingers over his short, scruffy beard and bringing his lips down to mine for a quick kiss.
“I’m so sorry he did that to you.”
That. That is probably what I should’ve said first, but I just wanted to touch him so badly.
I realize that wasn’t the right thing to say either when he pulls away from my grip to grumble, “I don’t want your fucking pity, Sophie.”
“Lochlan…”
Before I can figure out what he needs me to say, he rolls off me and onto his back scrubbing his palms over his face. “Bet you wish you hadn’t asked now, don’t you?”
I don’t hesitate before climbing on top of him, grasping his wrists to remove his hands from his face, all the while wondering if he’ll throw me off.
“Please look at me. Please.” The hiccup in my voice alerts me to the fact that I’m still crying.
Lochlan complies, then reaches up to wipe my tears away, before issuing a command, “Stop crying.”
“I’m sorry.” I’m not apologizing for crying, but everything else.
“I told you I don’t want—” Now I place my index finger to his lips to keep him quiet. “I’m sorry about the things I said to you. They were nothing but a way to take my stupid jealousy out on you. I’m jealous of anyone who spent even a second with you before me because I know I’m inexperienced and awkward when it comes to sex. And you…you are the most gorgeous man I’ve ever seen. I’ve been so terrified and intimidated by every single part of you since the moment we met, and I love it. If you had been soft or considerate or boring, I wouldn’t have wanted to marry you. I love your violent confidence and the swagger that comes from knowing you’re a well-endowed, mind-blowing lover. I love you, all of you, but especially the dirty and the bad.”
“You think you love me?” Lochlan asks around my finger.
“I know I love you. I have since that night…” I finally remove my finger from his mouth to swipe my knuckles over my cheeks to dry them. “The reason I was so hurt when I found out where you were, it wasn’t just jealousy but disappointment because I longed with every fiber of my being to be with you, and you were with someone else.”
“That was the biggest mistake of my life,” he murmurs. “I’ll never forgive myself for not being here to protect you.”
“I didn’t need you to be here to protect me. Although, I do love how protective you are when it comes to me. I needed you here because I love you and don’t want to ever be away from you. I feel safe and…happy when I’m with you.”
“You love me.” This time when he says it, it’s a statement, not a question.
Running my palms up his chest, I tell him, “Touching you will never make me feel dirty. It’ll only make me happy because you’re mine now, nobody else’s. I belong to you, and you belong to me. All of you,” I say again. “The good and the bad. There’s not a single thing I would change about you even if I could.”
“You have no idea how much that means to me,” Lochlan replies. “But if I had told you, if you had known from the first day we met…” he trails off, no need to say that he thinks I would’ve refused to marry him.
And for a moment, I try to think back to that day in my room, what I would’ve done if we had this same conversation while he ran that knife over my panties.
“Honestly, after you teased me with the knife under my skirt, there’s nothing you could’ve said that would’ve deterred me.”
“Bullshit.”
