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“Yes,” I answer confidently.
Maybe it’s naïve to think that I could find love in an arranged marriage like my dad and Vanessa, but at least I now have a little more hope. It’s possible that I can find the kind of happiness they have together, not just an exciting adventure.
That doesn’t mean I want to cancel the idea of a bachelorette party. I could just as easily meet the man of my dreams that night, prompting me to call off the wedding before the ceremony. Doubtful, but either way, I don’t want my first time to be with a much older, much more experienced man who wields knives to get whatever he wants. I want to be confident when I’m naked with him for the first time.
My virginity isn’t his to have. It’s mine. I get to decide who I want to give it to for the first time.
More than likely, it will be Lochlan on our wedding night. I’m not sure if I could have sex with a stranger, but I’m still excited to consider giving it a try. After all, Lochlan’s a stranger too and I was instantly attracted to him. I’m expected to have sex with him as soon as we say a few vows. And yes, I wanted him to push his knife in me so I think I might like when he puts something else inside me…
Even more fun is thinking about the man’s reaction to disobeying his command because I wanted some experience. Will he punish me? I think I want him to, and I think he would enjoy it as well.
But how the hell would I know for sure? Any experience is better than none. Before I even consider experimenting, I need information. Lots of it.
That’s why, after we’ve picked a beautiful satin dress and are finished having lunch at a local cafe, I ask Vanessa, “Will you tell me everything I need to know about sex?”
“Oh, lord,” she whispers, like it matters if the guards standing at our backs overhear us. They hear everything. “I’m not…I appreciate you feeling comfortable enough to ask me about that, but I just don’t know if your father would want me talking to you about sex.”
“Who else is there for me to talk to about it?” I ask her. “Cass? You know she’s as clueless as I am on the subject. And if my father thinks I’m old enough to be marrying a man, then surely, I’m old enough to have a conversation with you about sex. At least what to expect, that sort of thing.”
“You’re right. And Dante doesn’t need to know about this conversation. He’s never told you anything about sex?”
“Yes, he told me not to have it with anyone until I was married.”
“Right,” she says, wringing her hands in her lap. “So, where would you like to start? How much do you know? Have you ever read any erotica or watched any pornography?”
“Ew, no. Why would I want to see two strangers have sex?”
Smiling, she says, “Okay, so I guess we should start at the beginning?”
“Yes. And I know technically how a woman gets pregnant, that a man’s sperm fertilizes her egg during ovulation, but sex wise, how does all of that work?”
“Oh, well, every time a man has sex, he will ejaculate at the conclusion in the form of a thick, milky substance called semen. The semen contains sperm which, when inserted into a woman’s vagina will try to make its way to the fallopian tubes. Fertile women release an egg each month from their ovary, and if the sperm reaches the egg and fertilizes it without dying, then that could be the beginning of pregnancy. The fertilized egg still has to travel to the uterus and implant where it will grow and develop. If the egg doesn’t get fertilized or implanted, then she has her period about two weeks later.”
I try to process all that information. “So, if I don’t want to get pregnant, then I need to keep his semen out of me, down there?”
“Yes. You’re young. There’s no reason for you to be in a hurry to get pregnant.”
“I never want to be a mother,” I assure her.
“Right. Well, make sure you tell Lochlan, so he’ll respect your decision and use protection.”
“Protection?”
“He’ll need to wear a condom during sex to catch the semen unless you go on birth control pills or some other type of prevention.”
“Is it easy to get pregnant or does it require multiple times? It sounds like a complicated process.”
“The more times you have sex the higher the probability, especially around the time of ovulation. But even once could be enough if the timing happens to be right.”
“Okay. And the actual sex part,” I start. “What will Lochlan expect me to do? Will it hurt? Cass says it will hurt like hell.”
“The first time could be uncomfortable for you, but it will be better if he takes things slow to help get you in the mood.”
“Get me in the mood?”
Vanessa’s face flushes red. “Ah, if he makes sure you’re turned on enough that it doesn’t hurt.”
I don’t really know what that means, but I don’t ask her to elaborate since she seems embarrassed talking about it.
