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At his urging she settled back against him. "Even back in high school, it wasn't like I walked around feeling like this amazing, perfect being. Like most girls, I worried about my weight. I worried about my looks. And, oh God, this is going to make me sound like such an asshole," she paused and licked her lips. "But I knew what people said about me. Perfect Colleen. She's so pretty. She gets good grades. She's nice to everyone."
"Sounds like torture," he said drily.
"Like I said, I know it makes me sound like an asshole. But I started to feel all this pressure, like I couldn't get a zit, I couldn't mess up in a class, I couldn't have a bad hair day. Like if I wasn't perfect all the time, how could I be lovable?"
She cringed inwardly at how pathetic the truth was. Even though she knew logically she was lovable—her parents and brother certainly loved her—somehow, she couldn't let any cracks form in the facade or her whole life would blow apart.
Only to learn that, no matter how hard she strove for perfection, her life could blow apart anyway.
JT pressed a kiss to the top of her head. "You don't have to be perfect for me to think you're lovable," he whispered.
Alarm bells rang in her head as she stiffened against him. Then as his arm relaxed around her waist and his breathing grew heavy with sleep, she tried to convince herself he didn't mean anything by what he said. Saying he found her lovable wasn't remotely the same as him saying he loved her.
He couldn't love her.
Oh, get over yourself Colleen. This is just pure wish fulfillment on his part, remember? He said himself he’s living his high school fantasy.
She sighed silently in relief at the reminder. Because if he loved her, it would be a disaster. If he loved her, it meant they would have to stop.
And she still needed him—no, check that—she needed this too much to give it up yet.
Chapter 13
“I had stuff to do in town, so I'm meeting Liam for a drink. After four days dealing with Cort, I need it. Almost as much as I need to see your beautiful face."
"Must be something good, based on the look on your face," said Molly, who was acting as hostess that night. She was sitting at the bar, giving her feet a rest before the dinner rush started. "Who's it from?"
Colleen tried, but couldn't quite wipe off the smile. "No one."
Molly gave her a knowing look and leaned in closer so the smattering of happy hour customers couldn't overhear. "I think it's someone all right, and if I had to guess, he's about six three, hotter than a three-alarm fire, and fills out a pair of wranglers like nobody's business."
Colleen's cheeks heated as she busied herself mixing a mojito. "Is that any way for a married, pregnant lady to be talking?"
"Being married and knocked up doesn't make me blind," she said. "I know something's been going on with you, and I know it's with JT. How come you've been holding out on me?"
Colleen shrugged. "Fine. We've been... seeing each other. But it's nothing serious. Not like it's going to go anywhere, so I figure the fewer people who know about it, the better."
At least, she wasn't taking it seriously, and despite her moment of alarm a few nights ago, JT showed no indication that he wanted anything different. There had been no more conversations about what they were doing and where this might be going.
So what if she got a thrill from his text, and every other message he'd sent her in the two days since they'd seen each other? What woman wouldn't get a thrill from a smoking hot guy telling her she was beautiful? And so what if her stomach was fluttering at the thought of seeing him soon?
She liked spending time with JT, and she loved having sex with him. Nothing more.
"Ah, so you're keeping it on the DL. I get it." Molly made a motion of sealing her lips with a key. "Don't worry, I'm a vault."
She gave a little sigh of relief at Molly's unsolicited promise. "Thanks. You know how this town is. If word got out that JT and I are hooking up... it would just make things more complicated." For that reason, she had done her best to keep her activities to herself, and trusted JT was doing the same.
The only person she'd confided in was Sarah, her best friend from college. Because when you were having mind-blowing sex for the first time since your husband dumped you, it was impossible to keep the information entirely to yourself. Since Sarah lived in Malibu, it wasn't like she was going share the information with anyone who would get the Big Timber gossip mill going.
And since Sarah herself had been divorced for two years, she could relate and commiserate with Colleen on every step of her pre- and post-divorce journey.
"Damn," she'd said when Colleen had called her after the first night with JT, "is it terrible that, as happy as I am for you, I'm jealous for myself? Right out of the gate, you nail a hot cowboy, and all I seem to attract are the typical LA douchebags."
"What about that guy you've been seeing for the last few months? I thought you said that had potential."
"Oh, yeah, Chris," she said, her voice flat. "I don't think it's going to work out."
"But you made him sound so great." According to Sarah, Chris was funny, cute, and had a good job working as an attorney for a major studio. Plus, he had a daughter close to Sarah's son's age, so he understood the challenges of sharing custody and co-parenting. And he wasn't a bad kisser.
