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He shrugged and gave her a wry smile. "Because he knows I like you. A lot. And he knows I've been carrying a torch for you for a long time. And he knows that I'm at the point in my life where I’m looking for someone I can settle down with, start a family, all that stuff."
She stiffened. "I'm not—I can't—"
"Hold on, I'm not in any particular rush to get it done tomorrow or even in the next year. And I'm not saying it has to happen with you. But the truth is, I like being with you. I love having sex with you. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope that we could be more to each other than just friends who fuck."
"Is that what this is?" She was taken aback at his bluntness.
He lifted her hand from the bar so it rested in his. "What else would you call it?"
Hooking up? Casual sex? Oddly, the most shocking thing about the term he used was the idea that they were friends.
Of course they'd always been friendly, but by the time they got to middle school, the age difference and separate social crowds meant they weren't really friends. All that had changed since she'd come back, she realized. In the time she'd been working out at the ranch, he'd become someone she confided in, and looked forward to spending time with both in and out of bed.
Silly that she hadn't realized what a good friend he'd become—and how much she valued that—until this very moment.
"I guess that's as good a way to put it as any."
And now he wanted more. More than she was capable of giving. If he realized the truth of that, would she lose his friendship too?
Heaviness gathered in her chest like a lead weight as she acknowledged that she had to take that risk. She couldn't string him along, building up his hopes only to dash them. As much as she would miss the hot sex and whispered conversations that had become the highlights of her life, her conscience wouldn't let her use him to soothe the wounds inflicted by someone else.
Maybe if she told him the whole truth, made him understand how deeply broken she was, they could part on good terms, before he got hurt.
She squeezed the hand that held hers. She licked her lips, tried to figure out where to start.
"You have to understand, what happened with Gregory, the way it ended. It... annihilated me. I don't think I'll ever get to a point where I can take a risk of that happening again."
"I get it. He cheated on you, and that's horrible," he said, frustrated. "But that doesn't mean every man out there is as awful and is going to cheat on you."
"It wasn't just the cheating, though. It was everything that was happening." And everything that didn't happen. Grief swelled in her throat as the feelings and memories she'd tried to stuff back for months rose to the surface.
JT took her other hand and spun their stools so they were facing each other. "Tell me then. Help me understand."
Colleen took a deep breath and expelled it in a shaky sigh.
"For the last two years of our marriage, Gregory and I were trying for a baby. We made the decision, I threw out my birth control pills and assumed I'd be pregnant the next month. But it didn't exactly work out that way."
She told him how she spent the first six months convincing herself it was just her body getting back to regulating itself after so many years on the pill. Besides, maybe it was a blessing in disguise that it was taking them awhile because Gregory was so busy finishing up his residency.
"Of course it messed up our sex life. Instead of just doing it for fun, we started doing it by the calendar. Gregory started to complain that he felt less like a lover and more like a stud for hire."
"Yeah, sounds like real torture."
She gave him a sad smile. "He had a point though. Trying for a baby stripped a lot of the joy out of sex. How could I enjoy it when I had started to feel so desperate? And then, month after month, and I still didn't get pregnant..." she trailed off, eyes burning with unshed tears.
He said her name softly and stroked her cheek with his thumb. She resisted the urge to bury her head against his shoulder and sob.
After a year it became apparent that if she wanted to get pregnant, they would need outside assistance. "Our sex life wasn't awesome before I started fertility treatments, and it took a complete nosedive once I started.
"My sex drive was already in the crapper, and though I was never diagnosed, looking back, I'm pretty sure I was depressed. Then the hormones made me gain weight. I felt fat and unattractive—not to mention a complete failure because I couldn't get pregnant.
"I knew Gregory wasn't satisfied with our sex life. He would get angry, tell me that I was making him feel undesirable because I didn't want to have sex—I only did it when the timing was right to get pregnant. Which wasn't entirely true, but it was a far cry from the early days when we'd attack each other as soon as we walked through the door."
"You were sad and scared and feeling bad about yourself,” JT said, his eyes dark with compassion.
"I tried to explain that to him, but he didn't get it, said I was just saying that to make him feel better, that truthfully, I didn't really want him anymore, didn't love him." A tear that was equal parts grief and anger spilled down her cheek. "I was like, 'really, I don't love you? I'm trying desperately to get pregnant with your child. Shouldn't that prove that I love you and want to be with you?'" She shook her head.
"Finally we decided to try IUI—intrauterine insemination."
