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“Aren’t we going to talk about this?”
“Talk about what, Dad? There’s nothing more to say. You lied to me. You lied to the woman I love. You told her I wanted her to get an abortion. What the fuck is wrong with you? That should’ve been a discussion between her and me.” Spit sprays from my mouth as my voice raises. My face is rigid and tense, my mouth hooked.
Fred grabs my arm and pulls me in an empty room, a space the country club uses for small dinner parties and gatherings. “Maxwell, keep your voice down.”
“You fucked up my life,” I say, my pointer finger punching his chest. “You knew what my dad did, and you turned me into him. I will never forgive you for what you did. Ever. We’re done.”
“Maxwell, be reasonable. I’ve given you everything. I married your mother. I put you in private school. I gave you a beautiful life.”
“Was it, though?” I ask, feeling suddenly exhausted. “I didn’t ask for any of this. This wasn’t my choice. You even set me up with Noelle, since you golf with her dad and thought it would be funny if you were in-laws.”
I expect Fred to blow up, but he’s matching my shouting with a low, baritone voice that always sent shivers through my blood. “Hey, you loved Noelle. You dated her for three years! You like being a dentist. You run off every chance you get to help those poor people in that…what country was it?”
“Costa Rica,” I say. Has he been paying attention to what I really want at all? It’s what he wants is what I get.
“Don’t throw away what we’ve worked so hard for. What we’ve planned for. I will pay for Emily and Olive to move here. I will give you the house.”
The house in La Jolla is worth three million dollars. I shake my head. My mind flips to the dark wood and coziness of Emily’s house, nestled amongst trees, a dark blue tiny home sitting close as a friend. I think about my daughter’s giggles and the way Emily’s face lights up when I tell a joke. I remember walking along the beach with her, dancing to “Wonderwall”, and feeling the heat bear down on me. I remember it all, and I want it. With her.
“My family lives in Goldheart, so I will live in Goldheart.” I grab for the door and turn around. “Did you love me?”
“Of course,” he says. “Of course I love you.”
Nodding, I turn back to the hallway. “If you really loved me, you would’ve let me be with who I loved.”
31
Max
I’m shoving clothes into a duffel bag, my other pieces of luggage already full. I’ve ransacked my condo so violently, it looks like an intruder broke in looking for hidden cash. My AirPods are shoved into my ears as I listen to Metallica, fueling my rage as I pack, so loud I don’t hear the banging at my door.
An alert comes through my headphones, and Siri reads out to me. “Mom said, ‘Please open the door. I want to talk to you.’”
I pause “Battery” and pull my AirPods out, slip them into their case, and walk to my door. When I open it, my mother’s worried eyes meet mine.
She closes the door and wrings her hands, approaching me like a feral animal.
“Max, I didn’t get a chance to tell you this earlier, but…I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what Fred told her. Fred didn’t tell me she was pregnant. If I’d known…”
“Mom, that was years ago. It’s his fault. He wanted to groom me to take over, but what he did was selfish and unforgiveable.”
“He wants to talk to you.” Mom inches closer to me, stepping inside of my bedroom. “He hopes you’ll let him say his peace.”
“Let him give me shit about the party? I don’t think so.”
“He understands you’re angry—”
“He ruined my life,” I yell. “He ruined Emily’s life. My daughter’s life. I was gone for nine years. She thought I didn’t want them this whole time, and I….I became Dad. I’m just as bad as him. That asshole left us, and she felt the way I felt. That I wasn’t good enough for him to stick around. I…”
I drop like a sack of bricks on my bed, my face in my hands. The bed shifts next to me, as my mom’s soft tears join my own. Her hand rubs my back in soothing circles, like I’m five years old and I had a bad dream.
“I didn’t know that your dad not being around still affected you so much.”
“It’s always hurt,” I say. “When a parent doesn’t want you, it really, really fucking hurts.”
“I know, sweetie. I know.” She wraps her arm around my head, pulling me into her chest. She pats my ear. “It’s not too late for you to be the father you want to be, Max.”
“I can’t lose out on another second.”
