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“Sure, of course. She can visit in the summers, but she’ll live here with her mother. That makes the most sense. They have a life here. One you wouldn’t have known about if you hadn’t gotten curious. I forgive you, though.” She kisses me the tip of my nose.
“I need some air.” I open the door and walk out, and Noelle follows me. The one counseling session we went to, I mentioned I want to escape to think about things, and Noelle agreed to let me.
She did the first couple times, but she quickly forgot.
“Why did you come back here, anyway?” she asks.
“You wanted me to explore. Really think about what we are, but you didn’t give me any time!” My voice is a little too loud but I don’t care.
“I did. I gave you that time.”
“No, you didn’t.” I run my fingers through my hair. I hate the way I’m talking to her, but this ever-present resentment has grown and morphed and lives under my skin.
“You came here without telling me!” she shouts.
“I did, and I just found out that I have a nine-year-old daughter who I didn’t know existed. You know what my father did to me, and I did it to another person, unknowingly. You gave me the ultimatum. You are making me choose. It’s not fair, Noelle.”
Noelle steps back because I’ve never raised my voice to her, ever. “Fair? You want to talk about fair? Do you know how many weddings I’ve been to in how many years? How many of my friends have gotten engaged and I’ve had to act happy when all I wish for is that it’s me? That my boyfriend, who has been with me for three years, will want me? Instead he runs off to this town in the middle of bumfuck-nowhere to see a girl he had a fling with when he was twenty-five.”
I breathe out, my heart beating fast.
“She was more than a fling.” My voice is just above a whisper.
“What?”
“She was more than a fling,” I bark. Noelle takes a step back, like my words slapped her in the face.
“Excuse me? How long was it?”
“It was a week, but…” My thoughts jumble like items in a junk drawer. It’s not possible to love someone more in one week than in three years. That can’t be right.
I still drove here. I didn’t drive home, to Noelle, even after being apart from her for thirty days.
“I think we need to end this.” I look up at her, and her eyes brim over with tears.
“What?” Noelle’s lips curl against her perfectly white teeth.
"That’s my answer to your ultimatum.” My throat constricts as the early days of our relationship flash in front of me. How I fell in love with Noelle without trying and forcing it. How I hadn’t felt like that since Emily.
“Do you like her?”
“It’s more than that,” I lie, although I know the memory of Emily crept in as the pressure to propose mounted. “You deserve someone who can’t wait to marry you.”
Her face morphs to tear-filled anger. “You’re throwing away three years for that woman? Who didn’t tell you about your daughter?”
“It’s not because of her,” I say.
“Be honest, Max. For once in your life.” Her mouth stretches over her bared teeth.
“You’re right.” Nagging thoughts bubble to the surface, and I close my eyes. I’m done being asleep in my own life. Seeing Emily again, meeting Olive, I feel like I’m waking up. My eyes flash open, and I take a deep breath.
“I love you, but it’s not enough. Not what you need. Or what I need.”
Noelle nods and walks inside. I rub my jaw, prickly from my stubble, and peer inside. There’s rustling and thuds, and then she walks out with her weekender bag, overflowing with stuff. I’ve never seen her pack that fast.
“I’m sorry I gave you the best years of my life.” She slings her bag onto her shoulder. I watch her open her car and throw her bag in the backseat. When she gets in and the headlights turn on, she sticks her middle finger out the car door to me.
I watch her pull off, making sure she gets to the main road okay.
