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Fine.
Be safe.
I groaned as I shoved my phone into my sweatshirt. I didn’t need Gabby to follow me around for protection—especially not when she wasn’t any better off at this stuff than I was.
The new pastor was young. Surprisingly young. His baby face was relaxed as dark eyes scanned the pack from his spot on the porch. He smiled as he gave a small wave to all of us.
“Hello, hello,” he greeted warmly. “My name is Pastor Parker Hudson. I know, I know… a pastor named Parker. I look young, I am young, but I promise I know what I’m doing. Feel free to call me Parker. I encourage it. It feels more personal, which I feel is important.”
Oh, he was already so different than my father.
“I’ll be honest, I’ve heard it’s been a rough few weeks,” he continued. Rough was an understatement. “And I know that’s the worst way to put it. Now, I know what you’re all thinking. They brought the pastor to come in to talk to everyone, but I can promise you tonight… tonight, we’re not talking about religion. I won’t talk to you about God. I know not everyone is religious and I’d be doing your pack a disservice if I preached something that didn’t apply to everyone.”
Next to me, Killian made a small sound of disbelief.
“Tonight, we’re going to do a little… call it a social experiment about grief.” Parker moved around the porch, dragging several boxes into view, and flipped them open. I frowned. He came equipped with activities. “There’s candles in these boxes. Different colors for different boxes. Pink for a parent or parent figure, blue for a spouse or a partner, yellow for a sibling, green for a friend, and white for a child. What I’m asking—and I know it’s a big ask for the new guy—is that each of you who has experienced loss… come up and pick out a candle. Or two. Or however many you need. And loss doesn’t just mean death. There are many ways to experience loss.”
No one moved. Parker was patient, hands in his pocket as he waited out the hesitancy of the pack.
“I promise I won’t bite,” he said when several minutes passed. “And I promise there’s a point to this exercise.”
Declan was the first to move with Sam right behind him. Both grabbed pink candles. They took enough to hand out to their brothers. I watched Maeve smile at her boys as she did the same, taking out a blue candle. It was enough to set off a cascade of participants moving to pick out candles.
My heart hammered in my chest as I stood there watching. My mind tumbled with the right thing to do for the pack but also with what I wanted to do.
“You don’t have to do anything for the image of it, princess,” Killian whispered as if reading my thoughts. His arm wrapped around my shoulders, and he pulled my back to his chest. He kissed my temple. “Only do what you want to, Genevieve.”
“I think…” I swallowed hard, and his hold tightened. “I think… I want to.”
“Only if you’re sure,” he said.
“I don’t think I’m sure of anything anymore,” I replied. I slipped my hand through his. There was no way I could make the walk alone.
I felt every step from our spot to the porches. My whole body trembled. I’d spent years keeping our secret. By taking a candle, everyone would know. I wanted to say I could handle it, but I wasn’t sure I could.
“Hey. Look at me, Genevieve.” Killian tugged gently on my hand until I did. “You have nothing to prove to anyone.”
“I do. To me,” I said as I blinked back tears. Without another word and with a reassuring smile from Parker, I picked up a white candle and hugged it to my chest.
Back in our spot, I was only vaguely aware of everything going on around us as more people shuffled back and forth. Killian kept me close, arms tight around me as he held me to his chest.
“Now,” Parker continued. He leaned down, picked up a blue candle, and took a lighter from his pocket. As he lit the candle, he said, “When your candle is lit, turn to someone next to you and light theirs.”
He took a moment to pass on the flame. The pack was completely silent as candles were lit in the darkness.
“The thing about grief is, so often we feel alone because of it,” Parker told us. “It becomes unimaginable to think others can understand what you’re going through. But if you look around, you’ll see that every single one of you is holding at least one candle, and I’m sure many of you are holding more than one in your heart while only picking one for this exercise.”
I watched as Maeve took her time lighting each one of her sons’ candles. She doted on them with quiet words that no one dared to eavesdrop on. She did the same with Raven and with Cade, treating them with the same affection.
“None of you are alone. And that feeling as if you have to bear it alone is a lie your head is telling you. Look at your friends, your family, your neighbors… look at your pack. The people around you may experience the processing of grief differently, but the feeling is the same. It’s a deep pain that stays with us—one we have to carry forever. So, let go. Let go and give in to it. Let go and seek others. This isn’t a battle you have to fight alone,” Parker continued.
When Maeve stopped in front of me, I was already fighting back tears.
“Both of you have had to bear this weight alone for too long,” she told us softly as she lit the candle I held. Killian’s hand wrapped around mine to steady it. “I wish I had the words to comfort you two, but some pain can’t be comforted away. Some pain is just meant to be carried. But I can promise you this… you are not alone. Either of you. You have me. You have all of us. We love you, and while we never had the chance to know your son, we would have loved him just as fiercely. We will love him just as much as we can from here.”
Killian’s chest heaved against my back while I lost it. Maeve gently took the candle from me, handing it off to someone. She wrapped one arm around me while reaching over my shoulder for Killian.
“We’re right here, my sweet girl,” she whispered as I sobbed, completely overcome by the onslaught of emotions inside me. I did what Parker said. I let go and I gave in, allowing my grief to consume me.
