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His eyes widened with surprise. “Me?”
I nodded. “Yeah. When you came out to the team last semester, I never said anything, but it really meant something to me,” I confessed. “I knew you didn’t really want to. I could tell you were scared. But you did it. Even if it wasn’t all your choice, you still owned it. I really admire that. I—” I shifted, glancing down at the countertop. “It gave me hope. Seeing the team mostly accept you. In a way, it made me feel strong, which is something I, ah, don’t often feel.”
Wes shuffled, his Adam’s apple bobbing in his throat. Astonishment and maybe even a little bit of shyness reflected in his eyes.
“I just wanted you to know that. That even though I didn’t say anything then, what you did made a difference to me. It made me a little more comfortable in my own skin.”
“Can I hug you?” Wes whispered.
His whisper wasn’t nearly as intoxicating as Arsen’s.
I nodded.
Wes plowed into me, his arms going around my shoulders, hands slapping my back. I wasn’t sure what to do, so I lifted my arms, awkwardly hugging back.
“It’s hard to be yourself sometimes,” he told me. “And if I made that easier for you in even a small way, then I’m glad.”
I dropped my arms, clearing my throat. Wes gave me one last squeeze and pulled back.
I turned to Lars who was standing there awkwardly like he wasn’t sure he should be there. I took the cup from his hand and set it on the stone countertop and then hugged him too. Honestly, doing it cost me more of the dwindling energy I clung to, but it was worth it.
“Same for you,” I said, pulling back. “You literally flew into town and announced you were gay to all of us without fear.”
“I wouldn’t say it was without fear,” he said, his accent a little thicker than usual.
“It gave me confidence too,” I said. “Seeing all of them accept you.”
I glanced between them. “I just wanted to say that.”
Wes smiled. “We gay bros got to stick together.”
Lars laughed.
“I’m glad you guys got your happy ending,” I told them, pain pinching my heart.
“You will too,” Wes said.
I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”
“Hey, if I managed an HEA with my stalkery pseudo brother who I thought was straight,” Wes mused, then pointed to Lars, “and he managed to get my commitment-phobe brother to fall in love, then I’d say there is definitely hope for you.”
Lars nodded. “I’ve seen the way Arsen looks at you. He’s definitely in love.”
“Well, I better go shower,” I said, backing out of the kitchen toward the stairs. “Jail is not a good look.”
If they knew I was avoiding, they didn’t call me out.
They went back to pizza, and I slipped up the stairs. The second my bedroom door was shut, I slid down the wood until I was sitting in the darkened space. I took several sips of coffee, hoping the sugar would help with my crash.
The trembles came quickly. Dizziness spun the room, and the laughter echoing up the stairs made me feel isolated and alone. I couldn’t even be relieved that all my secrets were out and the burden of truth was lifted. It had cost so much, and now my body was hyperactive while the rest of me was vacant.
I wanted Arsen. Needed him more than air.
I guess learning to live with Arsen’s absence starts now.
30
Arsen
