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I took off for the door again. This time, there was nothing in my way.
Bang! The sound of the metal dome wow-wow-wowing dropped me to my knees.
“I hate you,” I said through gritted teeth. The inside of my mouth tasted like blood.
Pulling one hand from my ear, I noted the red still smeared on my fingers, a deeper color now because it dried into my skin.
Shivering, I wiped it across my thigh furiously, trying to get the mess off my digits.
The men grabbed me from behind, hauling me onto my feet and spinning so I had to face McClaren.
“Just as volatile as you always were.”
“What do you want?” I asked, the bones beneath my skin vibrating the same way that dome had.
“Me?” he asked, incredulousness in his tone. His eyes were blue, a flat, dull color. I’d gotten my brown eyes from my mother. “I wanted you to remember your place.”
“I don’t have a place with you.” I snarled. Suddenly, I was grateful for it. Grateful he’d disowned me because, seriously, he was the absolute worst.
“Then why are you still in my fucking way?” he roared.
His voice was so loud and so deranged that it silenced the chaos in my head for a fraction of a second. The men holding me by the arms went stiff as though his outburst was a surprise.
“I’m in your way?” I spat. “If I was in your way, then why the fuck did you have to come to me?”
Or, more precisely, bash me in the head and force me to your door.
He struck out, his fist connecting with my jaw. My head few to the side, but I stayed upright because of the men holding me.
Tears blurred my vision, the wound on my head stung, and my face burned. It was all secondary, though, to the noise in my head. To the overlapping trauma, voices, and panic.
“From the moment you were born, you were nothing but a liability. A stain on the family tree. An insult to my name. The only good thing you ever did for me was disappear.”
One of the guys pinning my arm jolted as if the barbs aimed at me hit him too. I felt him stare at me from the side of his eye, but I had no energy for that asshole. I had no energy left at all.
It was like I was four again. Nothing I ever did was good enough, and my mere existence was a burden. My head hung even though I told myself to hold it high. This man’s opinion didn’t matter. His words were only that: words. Words had no meaning unless the person listening assigned a definition.
“I should have drowned you in the pool like I wanted. Held you down and took away the very life I gave you.”
I sucked in a breath, and my head whipped up. “What?”
He sneered. “That’s right. The only reason you’re still alive is because I allowed it! I could have drowned you in the backyard and then played the part of the poor, broken man whose son went swimming when we told him not to and died because he was too stupid to listen. Everyone would have believed it. You were such a foolish child. Completely unruly and defiant. It was your mother who wanted to send you away, and I went along with it.”
The men holding me let go, and my body sagged toward the floor like a limp noodle.
My father planned to kill me.
“This is what I get for showing leniency. Not only are you queer, but you get involved with Andrews’s son and completely ruin my attempts at getting him out of office! Your existence got me blackmailed!” he wailed. “And I had no choice but to comply. Do you have any idea what you’ve cost me? What you’ve cost the state?”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered, broken.
“Sorry!” He laughed. “You think sorry is good enough? You’re bad! A bad seed.”
“Boss.” Someone in the room admonished him.
I was beyond seeing. The world was just something I was trapped in, something I could no longer actually participate in.
“Your mother is ashamed as well. Refused to even come here and look at you.”
